Acts of contrition

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We have one child together and I have one child from a previous relationship. One time, early in our relationship, I was unfaithful. I didn't tell him about it. I knew it wouldn't happen again, and I was afraid of losing him because of my stupid mistake. He discovered my indiscretion. We made the decision to continue. For the next 4 years, his anger and resentment ruled our household. Nothing I did was enough, and everything I did was wrong. I began hiding things I shouldn't need to, just to avoid his angry outbursts. My indiscretion was never really forgiven, and constantly brought up. (and still is to this day) I became apathetic. Withdrawing emotionally and shutting down. I negated his feelings. I worked hard overtime as a waitress, took care of the household and children, and went through the motions with my husband. Despite how much I care about him, we could never go more than a couple days in a row without a fight. Not a healthy fight. Nasty ones that we threw poison darts at each other. He has been obsessed with the past. Mine with him, and mine before him. He began an EA with an ex right before Christmas. Left me on Christmas Eve. He moved in with his parents. He had a one night stand with a barely legal girl on New Year's eve. He dated someone while we were separated (about 10 weeks). He was quite cruel while we were separated, making a fool of me by stringing me along while he did whatever he wanted. In March, he came to the house I was staying in and said he wanted to try again. That for all the problems, and all my faults he loved me and wanted to make things work. He said that he tried with other women while we were apart, but he could only think about me. We got back together, and we were staying with family for about 3 months until we found a house to rent. We still haven't gotten beyond the past. He questions me daily about my past lovers and our past. He says that I have single handedly destroyed everything good about him. Taken away his confidence and made him feel inadequate. This is what he has been telling me he wants. He wants an equal and opposite act for the things that I've done in the past to hurt him. I've given our marriage all my effort the past 5 months since we started reconciliation. I've done everything I can think of that I should have been doing but wasn't. I've been completely honest about everything (past and present). I've tried to come up with extra things just to show him I'm trying. It's not enough. He says if I can't figure out how to make up for my past actions in a way that will satisfy him, then I must not care as much as I say. I have NO IDEA what equal and opposite actions he is looking for. ???????

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