My wife and I discussed separating numerous times at several of our worst points during months of soul crushing angry fighting caused by my taking her for granted and then her checking out emotionally during our 16 year marriage.
Neither of us knew what was happening until it finally crumbled enough to completely destroy the seemingly undying love we had when we met.
We chose not to separate despite huge fights often several times a day only because we read over 70% of separations result in divorce and we wanted to make it work because of how awesome our love once was. It was the biggest challenge of our lives but we stuck it out and turned our marriage and lost love around.
It took very deliberate committed steps of creating goodwill to get things fixed.
GOOD WILL IS THE KEY TO SAVING AND REBUILDING LOST LOVE
Whatever the hell was going on that was causing us to want to be away from each other, we had to take lots of little steps in the right direction nearly every day and a few big steps here and there for 8 months to get to the good place we are now.
A few key things that helped create the vital goodwill needed to save our love from complete destruction
A. KISSING HELLO AND GOODBYE AND OCCASSIONAL HUGGING
My wife and I made an agreement to kiss hello and goodbye every time we left or arrived at the house without fail as a vitally important ingredient for rebuilding our love and connection regardless of how we were feeling about each other.
The effort and level of commitment that my wife made to honor that agreement helped me to realize how lucky I am to have someone that is trying very hard to make things work for us, loves me enough to be as determined as she is to follow thru with our agreements, which in turn has increased my determination as well in order to honor her commitment to us the way she has been.
I am calling it goodwill that she has created by committing to those vital kisses even if it is a little inconvenient if I am in the attic or out back somewhere or down in the basement or upstairs or whatever when she has to come find me to give me that kiss hello or goodbye. I am so grateful that she is willing to do so with love in her heart instead of complaining about having to "find" me or "chase" me down wherever I am.
She honors our agreement whole heartedly, taking it farther, she does it with a smile and often a hug, and an occasionally a long hug. These felt like little deposits in the love bank each time they happened even if we were still squabbling a little when one of had to leave. We still honored our agreement despite the fighting even if it was difficult to extend that to each other at times, the commitment to do so reminded us what we were attempting to do each time we followed thru even during the bad times.
B. SEARCHNG FOR AND CLEARLY ADMITTING POINTS OF AGREEMENT
I found her positive reaction remarkable when we were talking or fighting, when I said "good point" or "that's a fair criticism" or something like that when she was telling me her thoughts about something that frustrated, disappointed or hurt her.
It was almost a look of shock, relief, appreciation and love all combined into one inspiring moment where our love was residing.
I can not overstate the powerful goodness of those moments acknowledging common ground and agreement when we were having a heated discussion or even a calm discussion and how they nourished the rebuilding of our love for each other.
She realized I wasn't impossible and I was excited to have another opportunity to fix something easy because it made sense to me.
Over the next days, weeks and months I was able to generate goodwill by addressing those concern by either starting, stopping or adjusting something I was doing or saying to demonstrate my love for her. That gesture was recognized by her and put more deposits in the tank for our rebuilding our love
C. BEING VERY OPEN AND DIRECT INSTEAD OF MIND READING AND HOPE AND COVERT CONTRACTS
My wife and I used to hope for accurate mind-reading that never worked. We both had silent desires that we now very purposefully say out loud and clear so the other knows what we hope for, why we want those things from the other and how it makes us feel when it does or does not happen.
This gives us an opportunity to create more goodwill when we are able to honor those wishes. It also gives us an opportunity to let the other know if we wont be able to and why or when we can offer a rain check.
It has been liberating and lovely to be able to love each other like that so efficiently and without any more ongoing disappointment or hurt feelings with covert contracts blowing up. We have made covert contracts overt by saying them all out loud and explaining all the details of those hopes and perhaps unwarranted or warranted expectations based on our beliefs and values to each other.
WE MUST ASK VERY CLEARLY WHAT EACH OF US WANTS FROM THE OTHER. ANY OTHER ARRANGEMENT IS ABSURD
E. BEING FUN, FUNNY, FLIRTY, SILLY
We both got waaaay too serious about everything. We had to lighten waaaay up at times and remain serious when appropriate but we have added the fun back in an energetic way to keep each other amused like we care again if the other person is enjoying our company
F. BE INTERESTING
Outside activities, interests, passions, new hobbies, anything new adds intrigue to the relationship
G. BEING SUPPORTIVE OF BEING INTERESTING
My wife and I each started a few new hobbies while we each have been supportive of the other doing things without each other for some alone time and bonding with others.
In the past the attitude was they were competition for time with each other that we did not want to give up when we were not busy. Now we know how important these outlets are to remain interesting and active and nourishing our souls with outside pursuits
H. AGREEING ON A TIME MOST NIGHTS WHEN WE WILL RENDEVOUZ IN THE BEDROOM
We both are busy people but the priority is still to connect and cuddle and touch and not instead be up all night working on whatever pursuits we have that keeps us from each other in the intimate hours when we could be spending time together physically intertwined
I. COOKING TOGETHER
The powerful effect of erotic and loving effect of teamwork in the kitchen has been very enlightening and has resulted in elevating the good life in emotions, the joy of delicious food, teamwork spirit, mutual feelings of cooperation. We just love everything about cooking together in support of the other nourishing the family in delicious ways.
We also have tried new things that one or the other of us has wanted to try. Even if it doesn't turn out, it makes us each more interesting to the other.
It also gives us a pursuit to talk about that is purely for enjoyment for both of us.
It also gives us a chance to have an enjoyable casual talk
J. PICKING BATTLES
Each of us has decided we don't always have to alter the path or decisions of the other with intricate details. Instead we allow the other to handle things the way they see fit without questioning the little details we may have handled differently
K. PEACE IN PARENTING
This is another area where we have followed J above picking battles and allowing some latitude without nitpicking the other.
L. MATCHING UP SEX DRIVE FREQUENCY
The HD/LD mismatch can destroy a marriage. We have come up with many techniques to address it which I have a post on in General Discussion
M. ALL AROUND GIVE A DAMN MINDSET
We each know the other cares and wants to know what is and is not working and we discuss it without it being the dominant theme so we don't crowd out casual conversation that is also vital
Hope this helps
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