I don't even know where to start....
My H and I are in our early 30s and have been together/married 10 years. Our marriage has been rocky and the deeper I dig it seems it has been kind of toxic. After reading different threads and some suggested books I apparently suffer from Codependency.
Over our relationship my H has been an alcoholic (he would never admit it), addicted to cocaine and opiates. Though I have put my foot down multiple multiple times and demanded he gets help though I have never stuck to my guns. He has never actually started the process of getting help beyond researching where to go and telling me what I want to hear so that I back off. He has a way with word. His laziness and finical neglect have been constant battles through out our marriage. He has only ever laid hands on me a couple of times, just grabbing and pushing never hitting. Always after drinking and he normally does not remember even if he is not drinking he has a horrible temper. Though I am not trying to paint myself as perfect. I Work full time most of the time multiple jobs, pay all the bills(he contributes some), ALL household chores that get done and follow his around trying to prevent mass destruction. In the last 3 years he has wrecked or totaled 8-10 cars.
Needless to say I have some built up resentment and anger...FF to the last year. This is when things went from not so great to full blow disastrous MESS!!
We started a business adventure to try to help ground him. As I already work a full time job, this was suppose to be his job and I was suppose to be "only helping". In reality I ended up doing 90% of the work while he continued to further progress his alcoholism and who knows what else I don't know about. We had multiple convos about his problems, him needing help, I could not do this anymore, how unhappy I was, and me begging him to step up and HELP ME. This cycle continued for the next couple of months until 1 day BAM!! I woke up. When did I become so estranged from friends and family ,so depressed, so lonely, so angry, so resentful, and so CRAZY?!?
Me trying to figure out where to go from there we separate for a week. I normal form he confesses his infinity of love, respect and appreciation for me. Also in normal form he becomes pitiful, sick (always/everyday something) and super needy. So here I come to the rescue!!
The past 6 months have been an endless internal battle. I should be happy! I cant leave him... I mean he does love me. He cant survive without me(so he says). I am responsible for all of this, I let this MESS get this bad. Why do I freeze at his touch? Am I withdrawing? Why am I so mean, so critical, so Bi@$y? Have lost my mind?
I have seen a major decrease in his drinking and he claims to be off of everything else (all on his own no help or counseling) . I am not sure though I have caught him in several lies but I did not call him out on these lies because I am just trying to avoid conflict at this point. Even with some improvement I am still very resentful and angry. We argue daily about something/anything. I am starting to recognize he is manipulating me... how have a I missed it this long?
I can not stand the thought of us not being together.I do love him! But I can not live the rest of my life like this.
Thanks for reading and for your input! Sorry if it is confusing.
My H and I are in our early 30s and have been together/married 10 years. Our marriage has been rocky and the deeper I dig it seems it has been kind of toxic. After reading different threads and some suggested books I apparently suffer from Codependency.
Over our relationship my H has been an alcoholic (he would never admit it), addicted to cocaine and opiates. Though I have put my foot down multiple multiple times and demanded he gets help though I have never stuck to my guns. He has never actually started the process of getting help beyond researching where to go and telling me what I want to hear so that I back off. He has a way with word. His laziness and finical neglect have been constant battles through out our marriage. He has only ever laid hands on me a couple of times, just grabbing and pushing never hitting. Always after drinking and he normally does not remember even if he is not drinking he has a horrible temper. Though I am not trying to paint myself as perfect. I Work full time most of the time multiple jobs, pay all the bills(he contributes some), ALL household chores that get done and follow his around trying to prevent mass destruction. In the last 3 years he has wrecked or totaled 8-10 cars.
Needless to say I have some built up resentment and anger...FF to the last year. This is when things went from not so great to full blow disastrous MESS!!
We started a business adventure to try to help ground him. As I already work a full time job, this was suppose to be his job and I was suppose to be "only helping". In reality I ended up doing 90% of the work while he continued to further progress his alcoholism and who knows what else I don't know about. We had multiple convos about his problems, him needing help, I could not do this anymore, how unhappy I was, and me begging him to step up and HELP ME. This cycle continued for the next couple of months until 1 day BAM!! I woke up. When did I become so estranged from friends and family ,so depressed, so lonely, so angry, so resentful, and so CRAZY?!?
Me trying to figure out where to go from there we separate for a week. I normal form he confesses his infinity of love, respect and appreciation for me. Also in normal form he becomes pitiful, sick (always/everyday something) and super needy. So here I come to the rescue!!
The past 6 months have been an endless internal battle. I should be happy! I cant leave him... I mean he does love me. He cant survive without me(so he says). I am responsible for all of this, I let this MESS get this bad. Why do I freeze at his touch? Am I withdrawing? Why am I so mean, so critical, so Bi@$y? Have lost my mind?
I have seen a major decrease in his drinking and he claims to be off of everything else (all on his own no help or counseling) . I am not sure though I have caught him in several lies but I did not call him out on these lies because I am just trying to avoid conflict at this point. Even with some improvement I am still very resentful and angry. We argue daily about something/anything. I am starting to recognize he is manipulating me... how have a I missed it this long?
I can not stand the thought of us not being together.I do love him! But I can not live the rest of my life like this.
Thanks for reading and for your input! Sorry if it is confusing.
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