So here's my situation.
Background: We are 40 (me) and 32 (her) years old. We both have children from previous relationships, and we both have shared custody (she has slightly less than 50%, I have 50%). We've been together for ~2 years. We are not married.
She was abused as a child. Not - as far as I know, and as far as she can remember, sexually. Just really lousy parents, who didn't treat her well. She spent her 20's pulling herself together from a mental wreck of a child to a functional, resourceful adult.
We're at a crossroads in the relationship:
She desperately wants another child, with me. She has stated that she does not think she can continue the relationship, unless we have a child together.
I am undetermined. I don't need another child, but I could have one. And I would be happy about it. What makes me unsure comes down to... sex.
Since the beginning of the relationship, the chemistry in bed has been tricky. She hasn't had an orgasm with a partner for more than a decade, and this has eventually become a "thing" with us. I want to please her, and to me it's important to be able to help her get there. She can only finish by herself, and using a pretty powerful vibrator.
So, fair enough. Some girls are like that. It could be something that I would accept, except; her sex drive is low - she believes due to the childhood trauma and some intermittent health issues. She is also very hesitant to try new things. To me; a sexual relationship where I cannot help my woman climax is simply not good sex.
She has stated in the past that she wants to work on this, to get past her past and to achieve a healthy sex life. However, it's not that important to her. There's no drive to work on it. She has said several times that we'll make time in the weekends when there's just the two of us to explore, to play, to see what happens. But in the end, she forgets, or down-prioritizes this. I have stated that this is important to me, I need to see her work on this. I haven't made it explicitly clear that it's a deal breaker for me if she doesn't put the effort in, but I believe she has caught on to that meaning.
As is only natural, she feels this as pressure, making it even more difficult for her to get past her issues.
I have not mentioned this in a while, because she doesn't need more pressure. I strongly believe that the key for her to heal sexually is that it needs to happen without stress, and it's been difficult managing communication on the topic; making my own needs and boundaries clear without stressing her out unduly.
So we're now in a catch-22: The reason why I don't want to commit to having a child, is that I don't know if we will ever get a healthy sexual relationship. I haven't said this - I've said that I am just not sure about having another child. The reason why I am not being truthful is that I know that the truth will put even more stress on her. For the past year I have been hopeful that eventually, we would work through her problems together, as this has been my condition for continuing the relationship. Some weeks ago she made it clear that having a child is her condition for continuing the relationship.
We are currently, probably, heading towards splitting up as I will not commit to another child.
Any thoughts?
Background: We are 40 (me) and 32 (her) years old. We both have children from previous relationships, and we both have shared custody (she has slightly less than 50%, I have 50%). We've been together for ~2 years. We are not married.
She was abused as a child. Not - as far as I know, and as far as she can remember, sexually. Just really lousy parents, who didn't treat her well. She spent her 20's pulling herself together from a mental wreck of a child to a functional, resourceful adult.
We're at a crossroads in the relationship:
She desperately wants another child, with me. She has stated that she does not think she can continue the relationship, unless we have a child together.
I am undetermined. I don't need another child, but I could have one. And I would be happy about it. What makes me unsure comes down to... sex.
Since the beginning of the relationship, the chemistry in bed has been tricky. She hasn't had an orgasm with a partner for more than a decade, and this has eventually become a "thing" with us. I want to please her, and to me it's important to be able to help her get there. She can only finish by herself, and using a pretty powerful vibrator.
So, fair enough. Some girls are like that. It could be something that I would accept, except; her sex drive is low - she believes due to the childhood trauma and some intermittent health issues. She is also very hesitant to try new things. To me; a sexual relationship where I cannot help my woman climax is simply not good sex.
She has stated in the past that she wants to work on this, to get past her past and to achieve a healthy sex life. However, it's not that important to her. There's no drive to work on it. She has said several times that we'll make time in the weekends when there's just the two of us to explore, to play, to see what happens. But in the end, she forgets, or down-prioritizes this. I have stated that this is important to me, I need to see her work on this. I haven't made it explicitly clear that it's a deal breaker for me if she doesn't put the effort in, but I believe she has caught on to that meaning.
As is only natural, she feels this as pressure, making it even more difficult for her to get past her issues.
I have not mentioned this in a while, because she doesn't need more pressure. I strongly believe that the key for her to heal sexually is that it needs to happen without stress, and it's been difficult managing communication on the topic; making my own needs and boundaries clear without stressing her out unduly.
So we're now in a catch-22: The reason why I don't want to commit to having a child, is that I don't know if we will ever get a healthy sexual relationship. I haven't said this - I've said that I am just not sure about having another child. The reason why I am not being truthful is that I know that the truth will put even more stress on her. For the past year I have been hopeful that eventually, we would work through her problems together, as this has been my condition for continuing the relationship. Some weeks ago she made it clear that having a child is her condition for continuing the relationship.
We are currently, probably, heading towards splitting up as I will not commit to another child.
Any thoughts?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment