Hi-
First post for me. Been stalking, reading posts for a while.
A little background. My SO and I have been together for 11 years. We were both married previously, have been hesitant on the whole 'tying the knot' gig, but for all intensive purposes, we might as well be. We each have one child from our prior: He, 14 year old daughter....I, 16 year old son. Schedule with the kids allows us to have one night a week, plus two weekends a month kid-free, which has been nice.
Things have not always been great. He went through a really rough divorce from his first. She cheated on him....took him totally by surprise and he went off the deep end. He had started to get it together when I came along, but had a DUI to show for it. We worked through that and a lot of other issues that he brought with him during our first years together. I was steadfast in my support of him through that time and he says he doesn't know how he would've gotten thru it without me.
About 3 years ago I found out he was sexting with strangers on the internet. We had gotten to something of a duldrums in our relationship. There were some build up resentments and bad communication habits that led to this behavior. Although I was shocked and devastated, we went to counseling and things really turned around. Felt like we were a much stronger couple than we had been before, although the trust issues have been really tough to work through for me. He swears to this day that he never had an affair, but I still have some nagging doubts. I installed spyware on his phone so I can read his texts, but have never found anything since that time that concerns me much.
Fast forward to now, and it seems I am the one with the issues. I am an only child. My parents are in their 70's. My mother was diagnosed with dementia about 2 years ago. Her condition has gradually deteriorated, then last November she fell and broke her hip. Dad is gradually showing some memory issues of his own and it became clear that he could no longer care for her. I am her medical power of attorney and all the decisions of what to do end up being in my court. She has been in memory care now since January. then just this last April, she fell again, and broke her femur at the knee....(same leg as last time)....so likely what little mobility she had is gone now. All of this has been hugely hard on me....feeling like i'm grieving my parents while they are still with me and need so much of my help.
Through all this I have had a full time high responsibility job for the last 8 years (sole bookkeeper for a medium sized company). My son is now a teenager who is cutting school and dabbling with weed. I have to be on him like white on rice to make sure he is doing his schoolwork and staying out of trouble. I feel like i'm under so much stress I am going to pop.
Meanwhile, my SO....he is in a field where he works varying hours per day. some days he's off at noon, sometimes not working at all. Rare are the days when he is home later than I, and he hasn't worked a 40 hour week in years. He makes good money, so I try not to begrudge his hours, but it's what he does with his free time that drives me insane. He goes off to visit with friends....he does his 'man chores' around the house....stops off for a cold one on the way home....that sort of thing. harmless in and of itself I suppose, but when I come home to find the kitchen still a wreck from the night before and i'm expected to fix dinner while he plays games on his phone or whatever.....arrrrgh!
I have tried talking to him and making him see how much stress I am under and talk to him about how he could show me more support, but it doesn't seem to happen. he is all wrapped up in himself. I can come home and get and hour long dissertation on how the a/c install went for him that day....and be lucky to get a "how's ma?" in return. He rarely goes with me to visit my mother. I don't feel supported, I feel completely alone....his social schedule and selfish interests are all that seem to matter to him. We get into the same petty arguments over and over again where he portrays himself as the misunderstood victim that's just trying the best he can. Thing is, he is NOT doing the best he can. He's trying to skate by. I told him I was deeply afraid that he would not be able to step up to the plate for me during this time, and it seems to be coming true.
I can feel myself pulling away from him. I don't want to break apart our family....but there are other people who need me that are actually grateful for what I do. I feel like i'm losing myself. I used to be fun! Now I am always Mother, Daughter, WorkerBee, HouseB***h.....then you throw in His Needs and there is none of Me left! We have plans to retire to the ocean in 10-15 years and have talked of finally tying the knot. But I feel like what I need right now is a loving supportive Husband, not a do-as-you-might Roommate. I have thought of moving in with Dad for a while....get some space. I do love him, but I am sooo exhausted and angry.
Am I overreacting?? Just being selfish? I am trying to head off an explosion on my part of epic proportions....years of resentments and sacrifices I've made boiling to the surface....but I can't do it by myself and he just has his head in the sand. When did I become the great Caretaker of our relationship? Why can't he see that it is HIS TURN.....??? I just don't know if I even care anymore.
First post for me. Been stalking, reading posts for a while.
A little background. My SO and I have been together for 11 years. We were both married previously, have been hesitant on the whole 'tying the knot' gig, but for all intensive purposes, we might as well be. We each have one child from our prior: He, 14 year old daughter....I, 16 year old son. Schedule with the kids allows us to have one night a week, plus two weekends a month kid-free, which has been nice.
Things have not always been great. He went through a really rough divorce from his first. She cheated on him....took him totally by surprise and he went off the deep end. He had started to get it together when I came along, but had a DUI to show for it. We worked through that and a lot of other issues that he brought with him during our first years together. I was steadfast in my support of him through that time and he says he doesn't know how he would've gotten thru it without me.
About 3 years ago I found out he was sexting with strangers on the internet. We had gotten to something of a duldrums in our relationship. There were some build up resentments and bad communication habits that led to this behavior. Although I was shocked and devastated, we went to counseling and things really turned around. Felt like we were a much stronger couple than we had been before, although the trust issues have been really tough to work through for me. He swears to this day that he never had an affair, but I still have some nagging doubts. I installed spyware on his phone so I can read his texts, but have never found anything since that time that concerns me much.
Fast forward to now, and it seems I am the one with the issues. I am an only child. My parents are in their 70's. My mother was diagnosed with dementia about 2 years ago. Her condition has gradually deteriorated, then last November she fell and broke her hip. Dad is gradually showing some memory issues of his own and it became clear that he could no longer care for her. I am her medical power of attorney and all the decisions of what to do end up being in my court. She has been in memory care now since January. then just this last April, she fell again, and broke her femur at the knee....(same leg as last time)....so likely what little mobility she had is gone now. All of this has been hugely hard on me....feeling like i'm grieving my parents while they are still with me and need so much of my help.
Through all this I have had a full time high responsibility job for the last 8 years (sole bookkeeper for a medium sized company). My son is now a teenager who is cutting school and dabbling with weed. I have to be on him like white on rice to make sure he is doing his schoolwork and staying out of trouble. I feel like i'm under so much stress I am going to pop.
Meanwhile, my SO....he is in a field where he works varying hours per day. some days he's off at noon, sometimes not working at all. Rare are the days when he is home later than I, and he hasn't worked a 40 hour week in years. He makes good money, so I try not to begrudge his hours, but it's what he does with his free time that drives me insane. He goes off to visit with friends....he does his 'man chores' around the house....stops off for a cold one on the way home....that sort of thing. harmless in and of itself I suppose, but when I come home to find the kitchen still a wreck from the night before and i'm expected to fix dinner while he plays games on his phone or whatever.....arrrrgh!
I have tried talking to him and making him see how much stress I am under and talk to him about how he could show me more support, but it doesn't seem to happen. he is all wrapped up in himself. I can come home and get and hour long dissertation on how the a/c install went for him that day....and be lucky to get a "how's ma?" in return. He rarely goes with me to visit my mother. I don't feel supported, I feel completely alone....his social schedule and selfish interests are all that seem to matter to him. We get into the same petty arguments over and over again where he portrays himself as the misunderstood victim that's just trying the best he can. Thing is, he is NOT doing the best he can. He's trying to skate by. I told him I was deeply afraid that he would not be able to step up to the plate for me during this time, and it seems to be coming true.
I can feel myself pulling away from him. I don't want to break apart our family....but there are other people who need me that are actually grateful for what I do. I feel like i'm losing myself. I used to be fun! Now I am always Mother, Daughter, WorkerBee, HouseB***h.....then you throw in His Needs and there is none of Me left! We have plans to retire to the ocean in 10-15 years and have talked of finally tying the knot. But I feel like what I need right now is a loving supportive Husband, not a do-as-you-might Roommate. I have thought of moving in with Dad for a while....get some space. I do love him, but I am sooo exhausted and angry.
Am I overreacting?? Just being selfish? I am trying to head off an explosion on my part of epic proportions....years of resentments and sacrifices I've made boiling to the surface....but I can't do it by myself and he just has his head in the sand. When did I become the great Caretaker of our relationship? Why can't he see that it is HIS TURN.....??? I just don't know if I even care anymore.
Put the internet to work for you.
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