Hi everyone. I'm stuck and looking for guidance. I've been married for 17 years. My wife is a working professional just like me -- we are both in our mid-forties. We have 3 children (21 stepdaughter/college graduate (from my wife's 1st marriage), 14 y/o son and 11 y/o daughter). We live a comfortable life in the suburbs. My kids are the best. I'd do anything for them including staying in my marriage to keep the home together.
The first 10 years or so of our marriage was pure hell for me. I was constantly accused of infidelity even though there wasn't any, faced many arguments for the smallest issue, and once was accused of trying to have her hurt in the most final way because a window I had been working on was left unlocked. I was on a business trip when she called hysterical - that she found the window unlocked and that I must have done that on purpose so that a hired stranger could come in and do her harm. That was the day I decided that the marriage was over. She talked me into staying and said she was sorry for "losing it". I stayed. At one point I thought she had Borderline Personality Disorder. To make this part of the story short -- I stayed and have been living a roller coaster of good times and many more not so great times ever since. Even though I know it's probably not the right thing to do, I stay mostly for the kids and partially because I can't seem to find the strength or courage to ask for a divorce.
That brings me to my current problem. We have some friends who separated last year -- he left his wife. They lived alone (kids are grown and moved out). He said that he'd been wanting to do this for a while and finally left her after a series of fights. Last November I noticed some texts from the now separated friend to my wife popping up on my iPad. (gotta to love that iMessage feature on Apple products). Nothing crazy but thought it weird that he was texting her directly and making casual conversation when I never hear from him. When I accidentally opened one of the text messages before she had a chance to read it, she flipped out. Not just to me, but the whole family (I didn't tell her it was me that opened it). I, with her watching, got everyone's Apple device (iPhones, tablets, iPods) and made sure no one could see her texts again. I found this all to be very strange but very characteristic of her personality. I found her reaction strange so I decided to monitor the situation. From time to time, I would get her phone and read her texts. Nothing alarming was found. Then one day I saw a message pop up on her phone screen from him at around 6:30am while she was in the shower. It read something like "Good morning pretty girl. Hope you slept well :)" I thought what the hell? I continued to monitor this and soon discovered that she was constantly deleting his texts from her phone. I would get her phone at some point later in the day and try to read their messages, but there was nothing. I then pulled the cell phone records and found many calls from her to him at times I wasn't around -- like on the way home from work. Last week I was looking through her purse (never done that even though my kids tell me she is always searching through my stuff and phone.) What did I find? A letter to her from him expressing his personal feelings to her. How much he liked and adored her and that she should always come to him when I make her mad. I can tel l by the letter that he verbally told her about those feelings previously and evidently she told him that she was staying with me. Its been a week since that letter and she is still calling and texting him. I would think that if she really loved me and wanted to stay, she would have ended their "close" friendship and stopped the daily interaction.
I don't know what is making me the most angry -- the fact she is a hypocrite (accusing me of cheating when I haven't, but somehow her affair (I think its an emotional affair) is okay OR the fact that even after she finds out he has romantic feelings for her and she has said 'no' that she continues to be friends with him and text and call.
Knowing that my wife is a major blamer and will find a way to spin this to where its no big deal or it's my fought, I'm looking for the best course of action. Advice on how to confront her. What to do next.
I'm scared to confront because it will get ugly and I'm pretty sure the marriage will be done at that time.
Thanks for reading this very long post!
The first 10 years or so of our marriage was pure hell for me. I was constantly accused of infidelity even though there wasn't any, faced many arguments for the smallest issue, and once was accused of trying to have her hurt in the most final way because a window I had been working on was left unlocked. I was on a business trip when she called hysterical - that she found the window unlocked and that I must have done that on purpose so that a hired stranger could come in and do her harm. That was the day I decided that the marriage was over. She talked me into staying and said she was sorry for "losing it". I stayed. At one point I thought she had Borderline Personality Disorder. To make this part of the story short -- I stayed and have been living a roller coaster of good times and many more not so great times ever since. Even though I know it's probably not the right thing to do, I stay mostly for the kids and partially because I can't seem to find the strength or courage to ask for a divorce.
That brings me to my current problem. We have some friends who separated last year -- he left his wife. They lived alone (kids are grown and moved out). He said that he'd been wanting to do this for a while and finally left her after a series of fights. Last November I noticed some texts from the now separated friend to my wife popping up on my iPad. (gotta to love that iMessage feature on Apple products). Nothing crazy but thought it weird that he was texting her directly and making casual conversation when I never hear from him. When I accidentally opened one of the text messages before she had a chance to read it, she flipped out. Not just to me, but the whole family (I didn't tell her it was me that opened it). I, with her watching, got everyone's Apple device (iPhones, tablets, iPods) and made sure no one could see her texts again. I found this all to be very strange but very characteristic of her personality. I found her reaction strange so I decided to monitor the situation. From time to time, I would get her phone and read her texts. Nothing alarming was found. Then one day I saw a message pop up on her phone screen from him at around 6:30am while she was in the shower. It read something like "Good morning pretty girl. Hope you slept well :)" I thought what the hell? I continued to monitor this and soon discovered that she was constantly deleting his texts from her phone. I would get her phone at some point later in the day and try to read their messages, but there was nothing. I then pulled the cell phone records and found many calls from her to him at times I wasn't around -- like on the way home from work. Last week I was looking through her purse (never done that even though my kids tell me she is always searching through my stuff and phone.) What did I find? A letter to her from him expressing his personal feelings to her. How much he liked and adored her and that she should always come to him when I make her mad. I can tel l by the letter that he verbally told her about those feelings previously and evidently she told him that she was staying with me. Its been a week since that letter and she is still calling and texting him. I would think that if she really loved me and wanted to stay, she would have ended their "close" friendship and stopped the daily interaction.
I don't know what is making me the most angry -- the fact she is a hypocrite (accusing me of cheating when I haven't, but somehow her affair (I think its an emotional affair) is okay OR the fact that even after she finds out he has romantic feelings for her and she has said 'no' that she continues to be friends with him and text and call.
Knowing that my wife is a major blamer and will find a way to spin this to where its no big deal or it's my fought, I'm looking for the best course of action. Advice on how to confront her. What to do next.
I'm scared to confront because it will get ugly and I'm pretty sure the marriage will be done at that time.
Thanks for reading this very long post!
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