I had a big conversation the other day with my best friend, via text message, about my relationship with my boyfriend and my need for space.
I was saying how I felt extremely smothered and how I wanted to go visit my out-of-state family solo so I could get a little space.
"Coincidentally" my boyfriend decides he doesnt want to go out-of-town with me anymore for the exact same reason that I had listed in the text thread. I was telling my friend that I really needed to spend alone time with a family member who is dying of cancer.
So me, feeling that he went through my text, I thought I might as well finally have this long dreaded conversation with him - my need for space. My boyfriend and I live together, we're attached at the hip and do everything together. He's a busybody and I'm a homebody, and I hate always being out and about. I'd really love just to have a day to myself sometimes, but I never get that.
So I told my boyfriend that I needed space and that didn't go over well at all.
I told him that it had nothing to do with him, but sometimes I just need time to myself and time to recharge.
He told me that if I felt I needed space then we shouldn't be together. He said he doesn't ever need space from me and none of his coupled friends ever need space. He told me he didn't know what it meant to "recharge" and was very sarcastic and condescending about the whole thing.
Then he said he "had a feeling" I tell my friends all of this and he didnt want me to talk to my friends about our issues, to which I admitted that I do vent to my best friend. So he then asked to read my text messages and I said no, because I felt that's an invasion of my privacy.
I told him that if I'm saying I feel smothered and that I need space his response should not be to go through my phone. I told him that was overkill and that I already admitted to venting to a friend, and he didn't need to know the details.
He took that as me hiding something and we argued for 3 hours. I feel like there was a text in my phone that he had already read previously and that he wanted to discuss, but he couldn't do that without admitting he had already went through my phone. So his plan was to find it on "accident" when I surrendered my phone.
It's not that I'm hiding anything, I just don't want to explain every single thing that's said between me and a friend in a private conversation. And I think it's extremely controlling of him to want to monitor my text messages.
So we went back and forth for 3 hours. He was very abrasive, he was screaming. He threaten to kick me out (he's the breadwinner and I live in his ginormous house). It was just a lot.
So in the end he he agreed to give me space, but he was very sarcastic and condescending about it. And after a long fight, he gave up on going through my phone.
I've since changed the passwords on my phone and iPad, but now I want to break up with. My only issue is finding an exit plan. We live in Los Angeles and its very expensive to move.
But I guess what I want to know is what do you guys think? Is this worth fixing? Should I give him an ultimatum that we see a counselor? I want us to work and I love him, but I feel like he tries to control me sometimes and this find made it clear that he does.
Also, am I wrong for not letting I'm go through my phone? Geez, I know this is a lot, but your advice is so appreciated!
I was saying how I felt extremely smothered and how I wanted to go visit my out-of-state family solo so I could get a little space.
"Coincidentally" my boyfriend decides he doesnt want to go out-of-town with me anymore for the exact same reason that I had listed in the text thread. I was telling my friend that I really needed to spend alone time with a family member who is dying of cancer.
So me, feeling that he went through my text, I thought I might as well finally have this long dreaded conversation with him - my need for space. My boyfriend and I live together, we're attached at the hip and do everything together. He's a busybody and I'm a homebody, and I hate always being out and about. I'd really love just to have a day to myself sometimes, but I never get that.
So I told my boyfriend that I needed space and that didn't go over well at all.
I told him that it had nothing to do with him, but sometimes I just need time to myself and time to recharge.
He told me that if I felt I needed space then we shouldn't be together. He said he doesn't ever need space from me and none of his coupled friends ever need space. He told me he didn't know what it meant to "recharge" and was very sarcastic and condescending about the whole thing.
Then he said he "had a feeling" I tell my friends all of this and he didnt want me to talk to my friends about our issues, to which I admitted that I do vent to my best friend. So he then asked to read my text messages and I said no, because I felt that's an invasion of my privacy.
I told him that if I'm saying I feel smothered and that I need space his response should not be to go through my phone. I told him that was overkill and that I already admitted to venting to a friend, and he didn't need to know the details.
He took that as me hiding something and we argued for 3 hours. I feel like there was a text in my phone that he had already read previously and that he wanted to discuss, but he couldn't do that without admitting he had already went through my phone. So his plan was to find it on "accident" when I surrendered my phone.
It's not that I'm hiding anything, I just don't want to explain every single thing that's said between me and a friend in a private conversation. And I think it's extremely controlling of him to want to monitor my text messages.
So we went back and forth for 3 hours. He was very abrasive, he was screaming. He threaten to kick me out (he's the breadwinner and I live in his ginormous house). It was just a lot.
So in the end he he agreed to give me space, but he was very sarcastic and condescending about it. And after a long fight, he gave up on going through my phone.
I've since changed the passwords on my phone and iPad, but now I want to break up with. My only issue is finding an exit plan. We live in Los Angeles and its very expensive to move.
But I guess what I want to know is what do you guys think? Is this worth fixing? Should I give him an ultimatum that we see a counselor? I want us to work and I love him, but I feel like he tries to control me sometimes and this find made it clear that he does.
Also, am I wrong for not letting I'm go through my phone? Geez, I know this is a lot, but your advice is so appreciated!
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