I am new to this. My husband and I have been in an ongoing fight about the house.
For background, I moved into his home 4mo before our engagement. He bought the house new and choose every finish in the home and hung pictures he had ordered on an a standard art/poster website (even even said he filled it with travel pictures because he did not want to be living there at the time). He had a nice couch and bedroom set, but otherwise it looked like a bachelor pad. He told me I could "do what I want" with the guest room, but that we needed to make decisions together about the common areas, and began to call the guest room "your room" and the office "his room".
Over the past 2 years, we have had on and off arguments about the house. With discussion and my ideas, a few things have changed in the house. We have changed the pendant lights, added shelves in the closet and the dining area, new LR chairs, a patio replaced the weeds and pictures on the stair wall. We made the decisions together. Although it was my idea, he had many opportunities to say "no, I do not like it" and I continually asked his opinion. Often he is indifferent and says nothing or that he doesn't care, but the other half of the time he says "we don't need that", "it works fine how it is", "we don't need to spend the money" (i contribute equal pay). He continues to throw those examples of the decisions made together back at me, stating at one point "I let you do this.." and "You changed all these things".
He wants me to check with him before I do anything. ANYTHING, this includes if I exchange a picture on the wall, move a piece of furniture or even an item of his off the counter on his side of the bathroom. When I asked what things I had done to the house without checking with him, he listed three things. A christmas wreath hung on the front door with removable hook , pictures above the bed hung removable tape, and a cork wreath I made replaced one of the pictures he had hung. He then said I change his bedside table on a regular basis and he doesn't give me flack for that...I dust! I move the stuff and make it neat after I dust.
He says we need to make decisions together, that it is "mutual respect" and he would never touch something of mine without checking with me first. I feel like he doesn't trust me to do the right thing and has no mutual respect for my hobby and has no trust in me. I have stated repeatedly, I would not get rid of his stuff without checking with him first. I have stated repeatedly I would not make big decisions without checking with him first. He thinks anything that ANY changes the aesthetics of the home, whether it be simply moving a photo is a big change and we should decide together and I should wait to "discuss" with him. I translate that to "you need to check with me before doing it", even if it can be simply moved back or returned.
Organizing and home decorating are hobbies of mine, and I find great enjoyment in it. I feel like I cannot do it because I have to check in with him on everything. I work 3 long shifts a week and have days off while he works his day job. I find it unreasonable to have to text him while he is in a meeting, wait for a response or to wait till he gets home to do anything. Of course, if i wait till he gets home, then I am busy making dinner for us because he expects dinner to be ready when he gets home. Half the time my "checking" with him results in an argument because he feels it is unnecessary to change anything, or he want to organize it himself. He is not the best with organization and it has taken him over 2 years to "organize" the office...the progress made is that we can now see the floor. (eventually the office will have to be shared, as the guest room will become a nursery...if things get better)
I could go on and provide more examples and a better timeline.
I have also been trying very hard to be patient with him and I spend a lot of time explaining how I feel and communicate my wants and needs. I feel like roommate in HIS home, not OUR home. He won't budge and I am feeling more isolated. I got so angry and upset last night I slept in the guest room. I do not know what to do. :confused::(:mad:
For background, I moved into his home 4mo before our engagement. He bought the house new and choose every finish in the home and hung pictures he had ordered on an a standard art/poster website (even even said he filled it with travel pictures because he did not want to be living there at the time). He had a nice couch and bedroom set, but otherwise it looked like a bachelor pad. He told me I could "do what I want" with the guest room, but that we needed to make decisions together about the common areas, and began to call the guest room "your room" and the office "his room".
Over the past 2 years, we have had on and off arguments about the house. With discussion and my ideas, a few things have changed in the house. We have changed the pendant lights, added shelves in the closet and the dining area, new LR chairs, a patio replaced the weeds and pictures on the stair wall. We made the decisions together. Although it was my idea, he had many opportunities to say "no, I do not like it" and I continually asked his opinion. Often he is indifferent and says nothing or that he doesn't care, but the other half of the time he says "we don't need that", "it works fine how it is", "we don't need to spend the money" (i contribute equal pay). He continues to throw those examples of the decisions made together back at me, stating at one point "I let you do this.." and "You changed all these things".
He wants me to check with him before I do anything. ANYTHING, this includes if I exchange a picture on the wall, move a piece of furniture or even an item of his off the counter on his side of the bathroom. When I asked what things I had done to the house without checking with him, he listed three things. A christmas wreath hung on the front door with removable hook , pictures above the bed hung removable tape, and a cork wreath I made replaced one of the pictures he had hung. He then said I change his bedside table on a regular basis and he doesn't give me flack for that...I dust! I move the stuff and make it neat after I dust.
He says we need to make decisions together, that it is "mutual respect" and he would never touch something of mine without checking with me first. I feel like he doesn't trust me to do the right thing and has no mutual respect for my hobby and has no trust in me. I have stated repeatedly, I would not get rid of his stuff without checking with him first. I have stated repeatedly I would not make big decisions without checking with him first. He thinks anything that ANY changes the aesthetics of the home, whether it be simply moving a photo is a big change and we should decide together and I should wait to "discuss" with him. I translate that to "you need to check with me before doing it", even if it can be simply moved back or returned.
Organizing and home decorating are hobbies of mine, and I find great enjoyment in it. I feel like I cannot do it because I have to check in with him on everything. I work 3 long shifts a week and have days off while he works his day job. I find it unreasonable to have to text him while he is in a meeting, wait for a response or to wait till he gets home to do anything. Of course, if i wait till he gets home, then I am busy making dinner for us because he expects dinner to be ready when he gets home. Half the time my "checking" with him results in an argument because he feels it is unnecessary to change anything, or he want to organize it himself. He is not the best with organization and it has taken him over 2 years to "organize" the office...the progress made is that we can now see the floor. (eventually the office will have to be shared, as the guest room will become a nursery...if things get better)
I could go on and provide more examples and a better timeline.
I have also been trying very hard to be patient with him and I spend a lot of time explaining how I feel and communicate my wants and needs. I feel like roommate in HIS home, not OUR home. He won't budge and I am feeling more isolated. I got so angry and upset last night I slept in the guest room. I do not know what to do. :confused::(:mad:
Put the internet to work for you.
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