Hi all. I will try to keep this as concise as possible. Last June my wife of 25 years told me that she had been seeing someone else for about 3 months and that she was planning to leave me but was convinced by a friend to tell me about it and to give me a chance.
She says that she had felt lonely and taken for granted for many years. I admit that I have intimacy issues but I was a good husband and father (three children 17, 20, 23). She said that I was a good man but that that was not enough. She needed passion and needed to feel attractive and desirable.
I consulted with a Pastor friend and he said that I must do everything to prove to her that I was willing to change and that I wanted to save the marriage and to prove to her that I still desire her and think she is beautiful. For the last eleven months I have proven to her that I am not the man she thought I was. I adore her and she knows it. She now says that I have been wonderful and amazing to her.
For the first three months she was an emotional wreck. Crying, not eating or sleeping. Part of the issue was depression but part of it was that she wanted to leave me to be with him but he did not want to leave his wife. So I ended up comforting her through the heartache of being rejected by the man she cheated on me with. We went to counseling for a few months but she just could not talk about it and always broke down crying and sobbing. She said that she was not ready to say that she wanted to save the marriage and was not ready for counseling. I have done 90% of the talking and she has said very little about what she is feeling and thinking.
We have gotten along very well in the last 10 months.
She told a friend that this has been the best year of our marriage. We spend 80% of our time together and talk and laugh and it feels great, with one exception, she won't have sex with me. It has been 13-14 months now. We engage in foreplay. I satisfy her 2-3 times per week but she has not satisfied me once and she cannot even kiss me romantically. I give her long back rubs and but I do not sense that she is comfortable touching me. She will cuddle up to me in our sleep and I can touch her and she will readily get naked but she will not touch me back in any kind of desirous way, even to give a back rub.
So, a year is coming up and I believe I need to be honest with her about my non-negotiable issues. She said recently that I am her best friend and that she cannot imagine living without me but she admitted that she does not have romantic feelings for me. But right after that we had one of our most passionate nights and she did kiss me out of passion and I'm pretty sure she would have had sex but the other two times it went too far she cried. So I am fearful of taking it too fast.
My main question is, should I just keep being patient, thinking that she will continue to grow back into the relationship or should I basically say that the situation is unacceptable (I am hurt and insulted that she does not desire me after a passionate affair) and that she has to want to go to counseling to figure this out because I cannot live in a marriage that is so one sided?
I think that part of the reason she has not left is because she does not have a job and has no money or no place to go. She seems to wants it both ways. I think I may have to force her to make a decision to stay or go. I just feel that she has to say that she is committed to save the marriage. I think I have been incredibly patient and I don't want this to go on 2-3 years with her then announcing that she met someone else and is leaving. I am sure the affair is over BTW. Thanks for your insight.
She says that she had felt lonely and taken for granted for many years. I admit that I have intimacy issues but I was a good husband and father (three children 17, 20, 23). She said that I was a good man but that that was not enough. She needed passion and needed to feel attractive and desirable.
I consulted with a Pastor friend and he said that I must do everything to prove to her that I was willing to change and that I wanted to save the marriage and to prove to her that I still desire her and think she is beautiful. For the last eleven months I have proven to her that I am not the man she thought I was. I adore her and she knows it. She now says that I have been wonderful and amazing to her.
For the first three months she was an emotional wreck. Crying, not eating or sleeping. Part of the issue was depression but part of it was that she wanted to leave me to be with him but he did not want to leave his wife. So I ended up comforting her through the heartache of being rejected by the man she cheated on me with. We went to counseling for a few months but she just could not talk about it and always broke down crying and sobbing. She said that she was not ready to say that she wanted to save the marriage and was not ready for counseling. I have done 90% of the talking and she has said very little about what she is feeling and thinking.
We have gotten along very well in the last 10 months.
She told a friend that this has been the best year of our marriage. We spend 80% of our time together and talk and laugh and it feels great, with one exception, she won't have sex with me. It has been 13-14 months now. We engage in foreplay. I satisfy her 2-3 times per week but she has not satisfied me once and she cannot even kiss me romantically. I give her long back rubs and but I do not sense that she is comfortable touching me. She will cuddle up to me in our sleep and I can touch her and she will readily get naked but she will not touch me back in any kind of desirous way, even to give a back rub.
So, a year is coming up and I believe I need to be honest with her about my non-negotiable issues. She said recently that I am her best friend and that she cannot imagine living without me but she admitted that she does not have romantic feelings for me. But right after that we had one of our most passionate nights and she did kiss me out of passion and I'm pretty sure she would have had sex but the other two times it went too far she cried. So I am fearful of taking it too fast.
My main question is, should I just keep being patient, thinking that she will continue to grow back into the relationship or should I basically say that the situation is unacceptable (I am hurt and insulted that she does not desire me after a passionate affair) and that she has to want to go to counseling to figure this out because I cannot live in a marriage that is so one sided?
I think that part of the reason she has not left is because she does not have a job and has no money or no place to go. She seems to wants it both ways. I think I may have to force her to make a decision to stay or go. I just feel that she has to say that she is committed to save the marriage. I think I have been incredibly patient and I don't want this to go on 2-3 years with her then announcing that she met someone else and is leaving. I am sure the affair is over BTW. Thanks for your insight.
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