| Warning: wall of text/stream of consciousness ahead. Also, I'm new here so apologies if I don't use acronyms correctly. February of last year, the (eventual) OM began working with my wife (married 2 years at the time. We're in our mid/late 20s, no kids). At their job, their group of friends hang out a lot- going out to bars, hanging out at eachother's places, etc. Basically, They developed a friendship that at the time I deemed completely harmless because of the above and because to be honest, the guy was a bit of a loser. It's not that I was actively looking for signs of cheating then, but I've always been acutely aware of the fact that people generally do ****ty things and I don't want to get hurt. So subconsciously I told myself I didn't need to worry about this guy. Over the next several months, her behaviors changed pretty significantly, and I picked up on them fairly quickly. In the past, she'd leave her phone laying around and even ask me to check her texts, set her alarm, etc. Now, she was always keeping her phone by her, never letting it go, and keeping it on silent. Always texting. I was naive, and this should have been the only warning I needed- I didn't think anything of it. Starting in May or June, they began to hang out alone vs. with friends. I was not okay with this and I told her so. She told me I was being paranoid and that I was letting my anxiety problems get the best of me. It took some convincing on her part, but idiotically, I let this proceed. In August or September, he moved away out of the country to go to school. I was happy about this, but the texting continued. Facebook/text/IM. All the time. 24/7. I told her it bothered me, and she didn't stop. My suspicions got the best of me, and I checked her texts and Facebook. There was definitely some flirting going on, but nothing overtly sexual. I decided to not say anything and see where this went. I didn't want to reveal the fact that I was snooping if I didn't have hard evidence. On November 10th, we had come home from a friend's engagement party. We had been drinking a bit, and she told me she was tired and was going to go lay in bed and browse the internet. I found this strange, as our routine is usually she passes out on the couch with me while I watch a little TV or go on my computer. I loged on to her facebook, and lo and behold, I found what was for her the most graphic conversation I've ever seen. Really raunchy stuff. They were video chatting on facebook and typing since I was downstairs. I don't know how to accurately describe what I felt at that point. Shaking uncontrollably. Heart beating so fast that I thought I'd have a heart attack. Seeing stars. I basically had a panic attack, probably. I came to my senses and took a bunch of screen shots of their conversations. Without even thinking about it, I went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door open. She had heard me coming so had shut off her computer. She was naked. She said "I've been waiting for you to come up" and I literally almost threw up. Couldn't even respond. I went back downstairs, drank about half a bottle of wine, and then went back up and told her that I knew what she was doing. At first she pretended like I was talking nonsense, but she realized I knew and freaked out. She had a meltdown. Grabbed on to me while she was still naked, which disgusted me for some reason. I remember that part vividly to this day. Crying hysterically. Got the slow trickle of information. First it was chatting only, then it was a kiss, then it was hooking up, then it was sex. The trickle went on for days/weeks. Eventually I found out they had been having an EA/PA for 8 months. They'd had sex dozens of times. First with, then without protection. It makes me sick to think about still. I don't know why I didn't leave the night I found out. Most days I think I should have. I guess part of it is that we had just closed on a house a month before. The other (bigger) part was and is that I still care about her. I do love her still, but it's different love now, and it's changed forever. I have zero trust for her, and most days I think she's still talking to him or someone else behind my back. She unfriended the OM on facebook and swears they don't talk, but she's a smart person and if she wanted to hide it, she could. The point is that I have no way of knowing. Sometimes I want to leave, but I'm terrified of being alone. Sometimes I want to stay, but I'm completely miserable. I get triggers constantly. We've had sex, but all I think about when we do it is him and her together. I almost never initiate it. I feel like a zombie, like I'm just floating through life. I stay at work late because I don't want to come home. when I do get home, all I want to do is drink a couple beers and/or pass out. I start fights over this all of the time. She freaks out at me even mentioning leaving. She knows what she did destroyed us and is genuinely remorseful. But I don't know if I can forgive her. I don't know what the point of typing all of this was. I need advice. I need help. The best thing for me would probably be for her to leave me. It's just not fair that she did all of this and now I'm the one stuck making a life altering decision. Because of her being unable to control herself. We've tried counseling, but I don't feel like it helped- partly because I'm not sure I want to R. We took a trip. We've bought some furniture. It all just feels meaningless and worthless. Most days I think about getting back at her by cheating on her, but I don't think I could do it, even after all of this. Thanks for reading. The forums have been helpful (if not one big trigger). | |||
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