| What are our chances? I separated from my wife 13 months ago. We hadn't finalized divorce so I could keep insurance for her. She's going through school so still wanted to support her as much as I could. We'd been together since 15 because I got her pregnant & made it 24 years, but it was turbulent. Several years ago we made commitment to stick it out for our 3 kids until they all graduate knowing we'd divorce then. It got really bad & decided to split before our youngest started junior year w/all our kids permissions. Two live out of house. After witnessing mostly bad years with us fighting all the time, they just wanted us happy. She started relationship w/married man almost immediately. He said he was going to leave his wife at end of year for her. I dated a bit & eventually started an unexpected relationship w/a great gal 4 months later. I wasn't attracted to her physically at first but fell in love with her personality, easy going manner, and sense of humor. We had a lot in common, values, & similar goals. Our relationship met all criteria of healthy long-term relationship. It was huge eye opener for me especially because I hadn't experienced healthy relationship w/compromise, same goals, similar interests, no jealousy, etc. We communicated amazingly which was especially important because it was lacking in both our prior relationships. At 6 months, only rebound item we matched was I'd recently ended long-term relationship. My kids really like her & hers me. My ex's boyfriend left his wife for a while but eventually went back to his wife & left my ex. Soon after, my ex started begging me to come back. I'd been with my girlfriend 6 months by now & things were great. We were making future plans and were always together & stayed every night together. We talked openly about everything & are compatible in almost every way, with the occasional difference in opinions on movies. I repeatedly said no to my ex, said I was in love w/someone else, we don't work & had tried many times. I will always love her, but like a sister because we practically grew up together. Month & half ago she attempted suicide. We didn't think she was going to make it. Amazingly she pulled thru. When she was dying I had lots of 2nd thoughts & it made me think how I used to love her & how I was losing someone who'd been so important in my life. However, things were still great with my girlfriend and she was so understanding and helpful through this emotional ordeal. Once my ex recovered she was diagnosed bipolar. At first they thought BPD, but then changed to bipolar. I wonder if she's still a little BPD because of childhood trauma tho. My ex started her plea for me to return again. She claimed she'll be different w/treatment & it'll be different. She apologized profusely, said she really does love me, how much she appreciates me & didn't before, feels guilty & has changed. She said our son's grades failed significantly because of our separation. I found out his grades started failing a while ago when she was w/boyfriend so wonder why she didn't tell me then. She said she can't live w/o me. She said 24 yrs is worth more than 8 months I've been with my girlfriend. Now that she's been in treatment a month, I do see a slight change but we still have hard time communicating. With treatment she appears she'll be ok, but I'm not sure. My girlfriend is strong & can make it on her own, I'm not sure my ex can. She said she knows after last attempt she's not meant to die & won't try again, but I'm still scared she'll try again. It had a huge impact on my kids & especially my youngest because she found her. I'm also scared about finances because we incurred big hospital bills from her suicide attempt. With a heavy heart I decided to go back to my ex because I feel like I have to give it one last try even though I think it'll go back to way it was because she's making promises she can't keep. I feel like if I don't I will have this nagging in the back of my mind & it wouldn't be fair to my girlfriend because what if it puts stress on us? If it doesn't work, then I know and will feel good about I've done all I can. However, I truly LOVE my girlfriend. I didn't expect someone like her to come along & never thought I would fall in love again. Our relationship was so healthy and there were no signs of it breaking. Like I said, we were mapping out our future. It was scary for both of us, but we loved each other. My heart is with her, but my kids are with my ex. I don't know how I'm truly going to give it my best shot at reconciliation when I'm in love with someone else. When I went to tell my girlfriend I couldn't leave. I wanted to stay. But I knew I had to do this for my conscious. I feel so bad, she doesn't deserve this she's great! I asked her to not give up on me because I'm sure this won't work, but I don't want her to hang on either for something that might not happen because I can't predict future. I don't want to lose her, but I know if I don't do this it'll eat at my conscious. If I try and it doesn't work, when I return & if she takes me back I will feel better moving forward with her knowing I've done everything I can. I'm in a living hell and so messed up. HELP!!!! I need answers about bipolar to know if reconciliation is worth trying. My questions: 1. Bipolar is mood disorder, so treatment only reduces severity & frequency of episodes. But it doesn't solve our underlying marriage issues like communication, different interests, personality conflicts, etc. We fought over everything. True or False? 2. She's promising she'll be so different, but I think it only stabilizes mood so she won't be as aggressive. It doesn't affect personality unless she is BPD. She's promising things outside of bipolar & may be making promises she can't keep. It may be better for a while because of treatment & she'll be really trying, but I think our core issues will resurface. I still couldn't communicate with her during her "normal" states. True or False? 2. I read stress is big trigger of episodes, homelife being biggest because it's where one spends most time. So our marriage issues probably caused stress that triggered her episodes before & why our marriage was mostly "down." True or False? 3. Do we really have a chance if my heart is elsewhere & in love with another woman? I will do my best but don't know if it really will be because I'm in love with someone else. I'm in desperate need of serious advice or other experiences with bipolar, better yet ones who've been in love with someone else. I've already made the choice to go back and have been for a week, but how long do I give this if I see it returning to way it is? The first few days back all I can think about is my (now ex) girlfriend. I'd appreciate any thoughts. | |||
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