| In this case, splitting has two meanings. One, splitting in the case of leaving. Meaning, I'm outta here. Seen enough, heard enough, felt enough. Not interested in dating further, See Ya. Meaning, FB-unfriend, delete from contacts, delete messages, delete from email contacts, etc. Outta sight, outta mind. I see no reason in keeping a guy around as a friend if I dated him seriously enough to back out vs. just being busy and not going on any more dates. Usually this occurs just after they've achieved dating exclusively stage and show their true colors (swearing under breath, getting angry at grocery store checkout aisle behavior, texting from bed in the a.m....to their former lover...oh, but there's a reason, involves work so it's okay...lol...) I figure the right thing to do is a clean break, no waffling, and move on. No entanglements, no second chances needed (if growing attraction has suddenly been short-circuited by misbehavior, it's not like it can be rejuvenated...) Splitting. As in the case of the borderline meaning, I suppose. The guy who I've known maybe all of two months will accuse me of splitting, because invariably he will say I went from hot to cold. I think this impression is given because I keep my opinions to myself, other than obvious issues that would be a weed-out, such as smoking, drinking and driving, texting while driving, excessive farting, and other little things like chewing with mouth open, etc. I typically don't call a guy out in the beginning stages of dating because I don't want him to censor his behavior. I'm not there to babysit, I'm there to be congenial and pleasant and relax and be in a variety of situations so that I can observe how the man will act when his guard is down. i.e. to see how he really is. I guess when I don't say anything but just file it away for my own information (which I think is legit in the first few months of knowing someone) it's taken for being 100% head over heels... IF there were just a couple issues that bugged me, and just a couple, and they weren't deal-breakers in terms of value and interpersonal style, I would certainly sit down and talk it out at the end of a couple months, before committing. But I don't think that things need to be mediated if there are more than a few deal-breakers in terms of behavior...even if it can be changed, I'm not into changing someone. Either I can come to terms with their behavior or not. I get the impression that the guy is thinking because I don't say anything, I don't have any objections, vs. just keeping quiet because I want to see is there anything else...and when there is, saying, thanks, but no thanks. I try to keep it to one thing...such as way too much texting and interferes with communication flow between us. But invariably they argue about that, having reasons for whatever the singled-out behavior is, and try to say but there is this benefit or that benefit. And then I have to be honest and say, well, there was this, and this, and this and this, and I have simply had enough, your lifestyle as it stands and mine and our habits are not compatible, have a nice life, and I cut ties. But both guys this happened with accused me of splitting on them. Maybe I should just refuse to give feedback when men want it? If I change my dating behavior, the cycle of finding out what a guy is really like will take longer, and I don't like wasting my time on a relationship. I'm okay having more intimate dates, it seems to lead to better information more quickly. I think men confuse sex with total affirmation vs. just one of many deal breakers that could occur. This most recent guy got upset because I told him I didn't keep former sex partners on FB. He was mad because I unfriended him. I explained that I didn't want to have to hide anything from a future, permanent committed relationship, should one (miraculously, lol) occur, and he was upset because he said I was ashamed of him. And said, is that what you think of me, a former sex partner, and I said, from the point of view of a future committed long term partner, yes! Anyone else been accused of being mentally ill when they cut ties with a guy? Oh, this guy was actually in a psych hospital, he said he'd self-committed for 4 days after going off Wellbutrin (he lost track of his meds because of moving? And breaking up with someone? Or something like that...having issues with custody of his daughter...well, I can see why...) and he didn't remember that he hadn't told me the story of that..."Oh, I thought I had told you?" So of course I listened to the story nodding my head and understanding to get all the info...but later when I brought it up as a concern (my aversion to day-long texting wasn't enough) he got very, very angry. So I was splitting at that point. Sigh. The point here was not getting himself to help, it was that he was under the impression that he had already shared this 'baring the soul' (as he described it) information with me, when he hadn't! (So among other things, not able to keep track of what he'd shared with me, that he considered important...meaning he had shared it with a lot of other dates in the recent past...not cool...and also having a piss-poor memory, something I can't deal with.) Not to mention it made me feel like just next in line to hear the story...so much for baring the soul, he might as well put it on a billboard. If he had told me, I would have ended the relationship. I don't have much hope of ever really connecting with anyone who would have been suicidal, under any circumstances, because that is just not me. I divorced my husband after he turned to suicidal threats when threats of divorce didn't work for him, manipulatively....he knew my father had committed suicide when I was 17. Anyhow, I know he hadn't told me because if he had I would not have been on the date when he told me for real (not in his memory.) Is it in vogue to keep people around as friends after you date them for say, 6 weeks, sleep with them, and then decide when they show their true colors after that, that you're not interested in them and you move on? I'm not going to stop sleeping with guys I'm interested in because that kind of affirmation seems to be the only thing that consistently brings out their true colors. | |||
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