R but just not feeling it

I haven't shared this on the board - have lurked around, found a friend here, that seems to be going through the same thing - just many months behind. My husband had an EA with the neighbor. I know how it happened, I have accepted that it happened.It has been 10 months since Dday. I fought to win my hubby back, did the hard 180, etc. The crisis is over. But I'm just not feeling it anymore. It's like I can watch him - he is doing everything I wanted - transparent, affection, tons of text messages - but I just don't feel it. I feel there is this wall - and no matter what I cannot respect him anymore. I have been working with a counselor for 10 months, and he asked me to write a list of the pros/cons - because he knows I just keep saying I don't know what I want. I keep just trying to live 1 day at a time and see the happiness in it. But I just don't - yet not enough to say - okay I'm done with you either. The sex for me is the hardest - I feel nothing. I mean I can get mine, but I feel nothing. I don't imagine he is someone else - I imagine that I am. I am not afraid to be alone, so that's not it. In fact, I cherish my alone time in my garden and planting flowers, baking cakes. I feel lost - so I got what I wanted. He realized he wanted me and his family. He made a mistake, but I feel so lost. I'm not lost at who I am - I am strong, but it's like I lost the marriage and I don't know if I want to continue, but don't have anything to say yes or no. My counselor says its the ambivalence/anxiety attachment, never knowing what I might get - so I just choose to not feel at all. Comes from a dominating, put done kind of father. Yet, I know I'm not stupid - I know I can survive with my 4 kids on my own financially. I just don't buy it. Has anyone ever felt like this? I can't write a list of pros and cons - all of the data can be manipulated based on the feeling at the time. My mom says that I am making a decision, by choosing day by day, and being happy for that day. But, I just either want to say Enough, I deserve better or I can forgive you. But I can't forgive him really - it was complete and utter bull **** the crap that he did, and I will never forgive him for it. It was hurtful, and for what? Gawd, it still really pisses me off. How do you do that to another human being? Especially, someone so pathetic. I just don't get it and I am going to be stuck trying to make a decision. I know anger is a secondary emotion to hurt - I've heard it from the counselor a million times, but forgiveness?? I can't get there, and I don't know how. I am pissed at myself for not being able to just make the decision. anyone have any advice? Please only constructive, as I am sensitive. I am a Cancer - moody and crabby, but quite lovable. LOL!

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