Maybe Love Isn't Enough

I've been married a few years now and have no children. I have been a very difficult man to be married to, as I've made a lot of big, foolish, immature mistakes for which there are no excuses. I've learned a lot and am now a VERY different man than the one my wife made her vows to several years ago. My wife understands that she is a very difficult woman to be married to. She has a handful of issues that are very difficult for anyone to deal with in the context of a close personal relationship, but will not readily acknowledge this if her mood isn't "just so." I could look at my situation and feel happy if I focused on the positives. My wife is the same, if she desires. Most of the time, however, we just stress each other out. We fight fairly frequently, as in usually a couple times a week or more. Not bicker, mind you. Fight. Not physically, just loud and angry. We each have our laundry list of complaints about the other that we both try to overlook as much as we can. You could probably sum up the reason we are still together with a single word: religion. Or perhaps faith. Neither of us is willing to follow through with a divorce (though I used to threaten it a lot - but stopped, and she used to never threaten it - but started). Recently, my spiritual resolve is wearing thin. I love her and I believe she loves me, but we are immature. It is difficult for me to keep my cool long enough for her to calm down. She will not calm down if I don't keep my cool. Sometimes I stay with her because I love her, other times because I'd feel too guilty to leave her, and most often because she depends on me. Now I know she could make it without me, but it would be far easier for me to carry on in the event of a split. I clean, do laundry, pay bills, handle finances, do repairs to home and car, handle emergencies, take care of our dogs, I take care of pretty much everything for her, I even cook occasionally. And still she'll ask me to get things for her that are slightly out of her reach while she's sitting on the couch and I'm in another room - and she is not overweight or incapacitated in any way. She comes to me with every question, concern, and need. Granted, I fostered this to some extent because I like being a caretaker. But she has reacted negatively to me expressing the need for balance in the relationship explosively, if at all. I am her only friend, and she is very hesitant to make any more. She sought friends online and I supported this for months, but she had several terrible experiences and has stopped looking there. She has had no real friends since high school. I left the friends I had when we got married and I had no friends for the first few years of our marriage. Now she will at times make it difficult for me to spend any time with the friends I have presently (friends from church, not like I'm out drinking and partying). And though they would like to meet her, she refuses their invitations. I have repeatedly violated her trust, betrayed her, lied to her, used her, manipulated her, and damaged her. I have been a terrible husband, acting irrationally from uncontrolled emotions, but she has stayed with me. I'm a lot more stable now than ever in my life, and I can credit a lot of my growth to her support. I really do love her. So I try to ignore her insults, and I'll tell her when I'm ignoring her, but she'll rant for a bit until she runs out of steam. And because I violated her trust, I let her approve or deny purchases I would like to make and pretty much all of our minor and major financial decisions. And because she has supported me, I don't argue with her for not contributing to household chores and I try to have a good attitude when she beckons me. I lied to her and used her so many times, I rarely even ask for sex anymore, let alone argue when she says no. I've screwed up so much, I don't get upset when my attempts to romance flat-line because she fails to recognize, acknowledge, or appreciate my efforts. But all this is not well seated in me. I was raised by an excessively alpha-male type father, and I definitely have a portion of the alpha-male spirit. Although I believe that the best leaders are the best servants, the way she treats me often makes me feel like she thinks she owns me. I want to earn her respect, but I fail so often, a bad attitude here, an negative word there, she's never going to give me any respect as a man, let alone as her husband. We've done extensive marriage counseling and I've changed a lot (though I'm the first to admit I have plenty of problems left). Our progress has been stagnant for a while now. We stopped seeing counselors when they started saying that she was contributing to the problems. I have recently been trying to tell her more about how I feel, instead of bottling it up, though I'm constantly reminded of why I bottle it up in the first place. When I try to tell her how she's hurting me, she always gets defensive and it either becomes a fight or I let it go and deal with it however I can. So overall, I am not happy in this relationship. She had her issues coming into it, but I'd hate to leave her more damaged than when I married her. She has often vocalized to me her displeasure with this relationship and her desire to end it, but she always changes her mind when she calms down. She has also said she thinks I'd be happier as an independent, single man, and I'm inclined to agree. What's worst, leaving her in a really hard place? Staying with her until I can position her for a comfortable divorce? Or staying with her in a difficult relationship? I doubt I'll ever be consistently happy with her and I know for a fact that she will never be consistently happy with me. I don't think her wounds can heal as long as I'm around. I appreciate your input.

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