| I have gone back and forth about posting on here. This will be my third account that I have made. Since after making the previous two I chickened out, and let them sit so long they lapsed. My worry is I will get more criticism then helpful advice, but I have decided what ever the opinions are I need to see them. So here is my situation. I love my wife very much. We have been married for 3 years, and had dated for about 7 before that. We both just turned 30 this year. I am not perfect but I try very hard to be a good husband. My wife works full time, and I also work full time, and go to school full time. We also purchased a fixer upper duplex as half residence, and half rental. So money is tight and stress is high. No kids, just a very spoiled dog. I am struggling because my wife is not happy…..ever. It breaks my heart that she does not have everything she wants, but I am starting to realize that I may never be able to give her what she wants. Most days she is very distraught by the "crappiness" of where she lives. We both agreed that this would be a good investment, and took it on together. She has lost interest in helping with it and spends most of her time sulking on her iphone. She does not seem to love me as much as I love her. Last year she forgot our wedding anniversary (only the second, so I don't know if that is bad or…. good) This year was our ten year dating anniversary. I made plans and reservations for the weekend, but once she took the time off of work she felt it would be a good time to go see her family. But given that money is tight and international travel is expensive she went by herself for two weeks. I cancelled the reservation plans and tried to pick back up the shifts I had taken off from work. Of course she said she was sorry and that she felt bad, but I can't stop feeling like I am an idiot. She complains that she has to work a 9-5 type job. Not that she really wants to be the stay at home wife type. She hates cooking but does not like to eat out. She hates a messy or dirty house, but rarely feels like picking stuff up. Again I am not perfect, I am far from it. I try to juggle some of the house work against, school, and working on the larger house projects ( running new plumbing, changing out fixtures, etc ). I don't count my normal 40 a week job, because I wont' lie it s fairly simple and I see it as my break time. I am not bothered that I start laundry, and then plaster new walls in between loads, so I can try to finish in time to round out my homework before school the next day. What bugs me is that she still treats me and talks about me like I am some lazy dead beat. She talks down to me whenever we hang out with her friends for "couples" stuff. I just sink inside so much I actually feel shorter. All I want is her admiration and it kills me to never feel like I am good enough. She works in higher education and her friends are very smart people. I try hard to fit in and not be anti-social or that "loud irritating guy" at the parties. I don't have many close friends, given that I just don't have time for them. The few I do have she never wants to hang out with. She always has a reason, but I don't think they are ever the real one. I should clarify something really quick. My wife is not originally from here ( the US), we met while she was going to college. She grew up accustomed to a higher standard of living and I think she believes she has hit rock bottom with me. I worry also that to some degree she is suffering from being homesick, and that is why I am back in school. The only reason I am going back to school for my bachelors is so I can move to her home country and teach English. Everyday here gets worse, and I worry that even after we move things wont change. The other problem that I am having is the lack of sex. I try to talk to my few friends about this, but it is embarrassing. I know it is bad so I lie to them, even as I am trying to open up and be honest. I tell them it is only around once a month which they can't believe, and have no idea how I deal with. I have a hard time putting this down here but the truth is I was hoping I would get to have sex on my birthday, back in January since it had already been longer than 3 months. Sadly I did not get birthday sex, or any sex (or any kind of sexual contact) then or since then about 5 months later. I might already be at a year of celibacy, I just can't remember when the last time was to actually measure. There are several reasons I have been given for no sexual relations. Most of them, after all these years, I don't really believe. She does not like to give me handjobs because "it" gets heavy and hurts her wrist. Blowjobs hurt her mouth, because "it" is too wide. Sex hurts her vagina, because "it" is too long. Most of her reasoning centers around her idea that my penis is too big. I think this is supposed to be a way of boosting my ego while deflating my sex drive. I am not that big though. 8 inches is not pornstar quality, and I am a little past the lets whip them out and measure phase to see how I stack up. I have no disillusions about my manhood. Every time we have made love in the past, it has been an issue and I try to take extra care to be gentle, but it never seems to make a difference. I have struggled with this issue so much. I have been angry, sad, and depressed, but I think I am ready to move on and try to not focus on it. It is so hard some days. It seems to be all I can think about. I think I want to try and start to be "actively" celibate. I am not a quitter. I love my wife and want to make it work. I just need help in trying to curb my high sex drive and find other outlets for my thoughts to wonder to. So I guess my problem is two fold. How can I make my wife happier in the short term while I try to build what will make her happy in the long term? And what is the best way to train yourself into celibacy? I know priests, nuns, and monks of various religions have been doing it for a long time. I am not religious, but it cant simply be a belief in a god that makes you forget about your genitals, so how do you remove those creeping thoughts? Every time a cute girl smiles, or flirts with me, I panic and feel incredibly guilty knowing that at the wrong time in the wrong situation I might not be able to contain my frustration and do something I will regret? | |||
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