Letter to my wife. What do you guys think?

Anyone that has been following my posts a little, this latter should make sense. If you have not read about my story, feel free to read the letter but please do not comment unless you have something constructive. Thank you. Vicki, I wanted to write out my feelings, try something different, hopefully you will be receptive. I do not think that we can deny that we have some serious issues in our marriage. I have been codependent for my whole life and just recently as you know I have identified that and am working to change it. I want to be honest. I want to be brutally honest because you deserve it. I am not happy, this is nothing new and you know it. I cannot imagine you are happy either in the state that we are in. The one thing that I just cannot understand is why we keep going through these cycles. The last cycle we went through we made a promise to each other saying that we would not let it get to this point again, yet here we are. I told you that if this keeps happening, I cannot stay in this marriage. We deserve to be happy, with someone who will make us happy. Do I want to leave you, no I really do not. I love you more than anything in this world. Are we going to agree on everything, hell no! I have to admit, it's incredibly difficult to love someone who you just do not feel supports you, puts you down, is over critical (yes I know I have been of you, and lord am I trying to not to be). The arguing and fighting has taken its toll on me. I have said that in the past now I am for real, I am done with it. I just cannot do it anymore. My stomach feels like it has ulcers, it affects my sleep, my work; everything in my life is affected by the fighting, the constant push and pull, the lack of intimacy, its killing me slowly. I know you say that you are not a touchy feely person. I get that, but I am. My main love language is touch, I have made that clear to you over the years, yet, it feels like you just give excuses as to why you can't do it. Yes you rub me at night and on the weekends, I love it when you do, but on the nights you have to work I can expect maybe 5 minutes if I am lucky. The weekends are nice, but again, it just feels like it's a chore to you. When I come up to you and rub your back, scratch you, and rub your neck, how does that make you feel? I do not treat it like it is a chore, I genuinely want to do it, because it makes you feel good. I cannot make you want to do it, but I just wish it was different, I wish you would make more of an effort to figure me out, to understand what I want, you say you understand what I want but 8 years later I have only gotten bits and pieces when you feel I am about to leave. I have seen you be everything that I have asked for, it's unfortunate that it feels like I was used just to get me back after I left the first time. I do not want to feel that way, but honestly, after the events that took place, how could I not? Naturally my goal in my marriage to you is to make you feel good when you are hurt, to sacrifice my time for you, not treat it like I have better things to do in life. I really do not think you understand what you do to me when I ask "Hey hun could you rub my neck for a few it hurts" and you respond "Use the machine, or I will work extra OT so you can go pay for one." Well, I do not want to use the machine, I do not want to go pay for one, I want my wife to help me, I want my wife to show me she cares about me and how I feel. These are all missed opportunities to show me the intimacy that I have been craving from you for so long. Another thing I really cannot understand is why you have such a hard time going out with me? I have now made plans more than I can count on one hand. Each and every time these plans have been made you have not been feeling well. However, every time work has a gathering, or a concert you want to go to, you have no issue going, it feels like as long as I am not there, you are ok. Maybe that is not how you intended me to feel, but looking at it from that perspective, could you see how I can feel that way? Therapy, I went that one time and stopped going, why even try if you're not? I can fix myself to become as close to perfect as possible, but it does not matter what I do because the other half is still broken. There is no way that we will ever be whole if you do not own up to your issues and take action on fixing them. It's apparent that after 8 years these issues are not going away, without the help of an outside party. I refuse to let this marriage go the way that it went down with Mark. Threesomes and other guys, I think you think I am a monster or something in this regard. Vicki, take a minute and reflect on how our relationship got started. You were married, in a crappy relationship, and needed to be saved (Do you need to be saved now from me?). My codependent behavior was in full swing and while I do love you, I also felt the need to fix you and save you from the misery that was Mark. I respect that you would tell me your fantasies Vicki and I do want to know them. It's the only way we can build that level of intimacy that I want so bad. The part that scares me is that you almost crossed the line, if you saw yourself from the outside during this time, the level of desire you had, you actually asked me if I would be with another man while we both had sex with you, that is acting on your fantasy, that is what scared me, not that you had the fantasy. When you say things like I am not going to tell you anything ever again because you used this against me… this is not me using this against you, that is you twisting the truth and what I really mean to make me look to be the bad guy, not acceptable! Our marriage is going to go one of two ways. I am not going to live the way that we have been living anymore. One of the things that I have learned in recovery from codependence is that if you are being treated like a doormat, you need to have enough self respect to stop it. I am stopping it. I am going to give you the respect you deserve as an adult, and I hope you will do the same for me. I want to work through our issues but given the fact that this has happened in cycles over and over again, I am not sure what else I can do to change it, the ball is in your court. I want this marriage to work. I have spent a very long 8 years of my life with you. I have spent a great deal of my youth with you. I have invested my life into you, and I do not want to give that up. I want to make sure that I have done everything I can to make sure that this is not going to work before I leave, but I cannot control you. So I feel at this point, I have done everything I can. I have sacrificed so much for this marriage, children being the largest sacrifice, and like I have always said I am ok with that, as long as it is traded for a happy life with a woman who loves me and shows me. This letter is not intended as a threat, as a scare tactic, this letter was written in hopes that I can bring attention to the issues I think need fixed and I encourage you to do the same. If you have issues with me, tell me, but it's not fair if your issues are based on assumption. You cannot get mad at me for something you assume I meant, it's just not fair, and I will not tolerate it anymore. I want this so bad, I want you to want me, need me, desire me, comfort me, hold me, touch me, be intimate with me, drop your fears and open up with me. I love you honey and I want to work together to fix this, but we have to work together, you have to trust me, and I have to trust you. I am willing to do this. Are you?

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