You can't have both!!!!!

I just need to rant...I know everyone is going to tell me I'm an idiot. I know that. I just need to get stuff off my chest. So after 3 months of interrogating and investigating, I finally gave up on learning the truth. I was tired of the trickle truthing. Every few weeks a new thing was coming out. Even incredibly pointless lies. She told me she gave some guy oral sex, and then later admitted to actual intercourse. Really what's the difference? And I made it clear to her: If she wants a big magic reconciliation where our marriage is stronger than ever, the first step is truth and honesty. No trickle truth, no sugar coating, no rug sweeping, no leaving out what she thinks isn't important. So what did she do? Lie. But I know it's really hard to tell the truth about awful things you've done, so I gave her another chance. I kept asking, I kept digging, and she just kept refusing to come out with it. NYE, I finally told her I was done with all that crap. She can keep her stupid secrets, and I'll feel about it however I feel about it and let's just try and be civil for the kids. I really don't want a divorce. But she's still being as stubborn as ever, and wondering why things aren't magically better now. WTF woman...it's like we're driving to a destination in our car, and we come to a fork in the road. I told her to go left, and she went right, and she knew going right was the wrong way to go, but she refuses to turn around or even acknowledge she took the wrong turn. Lately she's been suspicious of various female friends I have on facebook. I am not a cheater nor have I ever been. But I have people with vaginas on my friends list. She's now all upset like "Why are you friends with this girl? What about that girl? Are you cheating on me?" YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW! You weren't honest with me, so you don't get honesty. Regardless of how innocent it is, have fun suffering like I've been. Maybe you'll see how it feels! A few nights ago she took a little road trip to wal-mart (about an hour drive away). After she gets home, she tells me she picked up a hitchhiker and gave him a ride home. This in and of itself doesn't bother me a whole lot...there was a storm, and we live in a small community where its actually pretty common to pick up someone who's walking in a blizzard. But then she's all upset that I might dare consider the possibility that she might have done something with this guy. Oh really? Could it be that you're a f***ing liar? You don't get to handle things the way you've handled them and then expect that I'm going to just forgive and forget and not assume you're still screwing around!?!?!? You might be saying "Jadiel, just get rid of her!" Well...trying not to. We have a couple of awesome kids and I don't want their dad to be some guy they see on weekends. I don't want to see her and her new boyfriend dropping them off at my new ****ty apartment. I don't want to deal with divorce because it SUCKS. And more than anything....I spent a long time chasing her. I do love her, even if she pisses me off to no end...I just don't get why she can't accept her fate and let us take it easy for a while. So we can be like two civil business partners, and our business venture is raising these kids like normal people.

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