Never used a forum and, to be honest, never thought I would, but I am read several posts and replies and very impressed with the replies/suggestions.
Sorry in advance but this is kind of long but there is so much and I really need an honest opinion.
I have been married to H.S. sweetheart and have a 27 year old daughter. My daughter went to a private school (this was financially difficult for us but we wanted her to be in a Christian environment so we managed).
While there we became friends with another family who were financially more well off. My wife owned a local hair salon and soon all their family including the husband were her clientele.
This man needed a early appointment and by wife obliged, i did not think anything about it. But, approximately 12 years ago, I just happen to be driving past and say her hug and give him a kiss on the cheek as she was walking him out of the salon. Being Hispanic and him being a family friend this is very common behavior in Latin community, but there was something about what I saw that troubled me. I discussed this with her and she said the usual - I have an over action imagination and blah blah blah. Months later I came into the salon during his early morning appointment and they were in the office area alone (I forgot to mention due to the early hours the other employees do not arrive until much later - but this is not uncommon to work at 7am) and again my suspicion grew and we went to a marriage counselor. The counselor's opinion was exactly what I thought he would say - It is not appropriate for a married women and man to be locked behind closed doors, at 7 am, and etc.
A few years later she began cutting his hair at 7 am behind locked doors and on several occasions I stopped by and saw them in the small room where she mixes color and etc. Again, my instincts said something was not right and I asked her to stop, but she refused saying it was all in my head and etc. By this time I had graduated from medical school and he hired me fresh out of school into a job most new doctors would only dream of. I assumed this was because we were family friends and etc. However, her cutting his hair continued and he was a Deacon of their church and the dealer of the Bible study group that I was apart of so my suspicion diminished. (His daughter was in my daughter's wedding and Mine in her wedding) I was clueless at this point!
The clinic had a very nasty break up after I was there for 6 years. I opened my own clinic and was doing very well. This other man (OM) attempted to derail my business by doing some very unethical things that caused me to lose sleep and worry about my business's survival. During this time all communications between the families stopped.
After eight additional months his brother left the clinic with his brother, due to the unethical business practices occurring, and came to my clinic. During conversation he told me that I need to keep an eye on his brother due to him having numerous secret affairs and he had made a comment about my wife to him after I had left the clinic.
I called my wife and nonchalantly mentioned that the brothers split up and that an odd comment was made, but I did not reveal the entire facts. But in reality, I was in my car to see her reaction first hand as I have a back ground interviewing potential criminal and etc as an intelligence officer in the military and I can read most peoples body language very well.
When I got home she was surprised to see me and acted completely normal. Then I dropped the bomb as to what was exactly said to me. She did what every criminal does when surprised with a question that they were not expecting to come.
My instincts told me one thing but she adamantly denied.
To gather evidence I got my phone records and it revealed they had been talking for as far as I could order the phone records up to 2.5 hours a month.
When confronted she advised she was helping him thru a marriage issue and normal stuff. I am no idiot so I dug further and she finally left the house and went to stay with very close friends that were like the parents I did not have.
While with our friends she played the victim role as well as a Broadway actor by denying everything and saying I was having an affair, was mentally ill, abusive verbally and than she was afraid of me. Each were absolute lies. She was so convincing that they stopped communicating with me and when I would call her he sent me a text asking me to stop cause I was delusional and he was going to call the cops. (I did not say one thing in the text saying I was going to hurt anyone or etc), then when our daughter called my wife failed to talk to her and she called their house phone and got the same response from our mutual friends (they were going to call the cops on our daughter) My daughter and I were shocked as to the lengths she was going over phone calls. *Note: in the phone records the day I called her to tell her the brothers broke up and the one brother made an odd comment the moment I hung up - she called him. (sorry forgot that tidbit of info)
She finally came home and we were going to counseling and she admitted to exaggerating/lying to our mutual friends about me. Her excuse was she was tired of having to answer questions about an insignificant event. But did admit that for many many years she was involved in an emotional affair because of his position in the church, soothing conversations with her, talking about Bible and etc.
Well, a few months later the OM's wife called to tell me to meet for coffee. I did and she dropped the bomb. The OM had confessed that him and my wife had a 10+ year EA and a four year SA. It was only in my wife's business in the back room and there was no intercourse or oral but everything else. (what that meant I do not know).
I came home and confronted my wife. I was not angry because when she left the first time I knew in my heart there was more to the story but I did not have the evidence to prove it, but obviously I was hurt. She immediately denied this and only admitted when I told her I met with the OM face to face and he told me that you guys made a pact to deny, where and when. She finally capitulated.
While this was happening my business has expanded and the OM's business is struggling. My firm has grown and financially I am doing very but still drive my Toyota with 227k, same guy who walks around town in ripped jeans, have same friends since I was a kid who are from all walks of life but are good/loyal/honest people and etc. I say this because she was impressed with his perceived wealth (big hat no cattle), fancy cars and Gucci clothing.
At a counseling session when the counselor asked her how she felt after learning she was only 1 of many girls he was having a SA with, my wife got up and left crying. The counselor advised they would explore this at next session a few days later alone with her.
At the next session they did talk about this at length and after the session my wife went across the street to a business that had a phone, asked to use it and called the OM. The OM refused to speak with her and told his wife (trying to mend their marriage) that she called. His wife called my wife and my wife cried saying she wanted to apologize and etc but no more. The OM's wife called me to tell me she called her husband from a business phone. When confronted she admitted but said it was ONLY because she did not want them to be communicating with me cause we were working on our marriage. OK maybe true but why from a pay phone, why not call his wife and why did she not tell the OM's wife about them not to call me? My opinion: I do not think she thought OM whould refused to talk to her and then tell his wife.
So, here I am at the cross roads! I love my wife and have since I was 17 yoa, but she betrayed me for years, ruined several friendships (friends that I called Mom and Dad cause I was raised by my Grandparents who are deceased) covering up her affair by slandering me, had an EA for 10+ years, SA for 4 years, told ppl lies about me to derail me cause she knows I know how to investigate and I was hot on the trail and she was in a panic - and the list can go on for years.
She has refused to discuss the EA or SA by saying I told you everything so lets get over it and move on and other things that are hurtful to me and show me no respect.
As a side note: She does not seem upset for overly concerned that she hurt our daughter (having cops called on her) or me and the fact she was trying to reconnect with him makes me think she is obsessed with him, there are more lies still uncovered or ????.
Folks: this is way out of my league of expertise and any input/ suggestions wold be greatly appreciated cause I do not know if our relationship can be salvaged or I should look for someone that cares about me.
*Never been any domestic violence whatsoever, I am not controlling, surprise her with perfume, purses and even cars, I am not the jealous type, but I can be distracted at times in my thoughts, have a tendency to be self centered if working on a project or have a goal and can be sarcastic - so I am no saint, but have in the past stood by her side when she had a conflict with a business partner who was embezzling money.
Thank You in Advance!
Sorry in advance but this is kind of long but there is so much and I really need an honest opinion.
I have been married to H.S. sweetheart and have a 27 year old daughter. My daughter went to a private school (this was financially difficult for us but we wanted her to be in a Christian environment so we managed).
While there we became friends with another family who were financially more well off. My wife owned a local hair salon and soon all their family including the husband were her clientele.
This man needed a early appointment and by wife obliged, i did not think anything about it. But, approximately 12 years ago, I just happen to be driving past and say her hug and give him a kiss on the cheek as she was walking him out of the salon. Being Hispanic and him being a family friend this is very common behavior in Latin community, but there was something about what I saw that troubled me. I discussed this with her and she said the usual - I have an over action imagination and blah blah blah. Months later I came into the salon during his early morning appointment and they were in the office area alone (I forgot to mention due to the early hours the other employees do not arrive until much later - but this is not uncommon to work at 7am) and again my suspicion grew and we went to a marriage counselor. The counselor's opinion was exactly what I thought he would say - It is not appropriate for a married women and man to be locked behind closed doors, at 7 am, and etc.
A few years later she began cutting his hair at 7 am behind locked doors and on several occasions I stopped by and saw them in the small room where she mixes color and etc. Again, my instincts said something was not right and I asked her to stop, but she refused saying it was all in my head and etc. By this time I had graduated from medical school and he hired me fresh out of school into a job most new doctors would only dream of. I assumed this was because we were family friends and etc. However, her cutting his hair continued and he was a Deacon of their church and the dealer of the Bible study group that I was apart of so my suspicion diminished. (His daughter was in my daughter's wedding and Mine in her wedding) I was clueless at this point!
The clinic had a very nasty break up after I was there for 6 years. I opened my own clinic and was doing very well. This other man (OM) attempted to derail my business by doing some very unethical things that caused me to lose sleep and worry about my business's survival. During this time all communications between the families stopped.
After eight additional months his brother left the clinic with his brother, due to the unethical business practices occurring, and came to my clinic. During conversation he told me that I need to keep an eye on his brother due to him having numerous secret affairs and he had made a comment about my wife to him after I had left the clinic.
I called my wife and nonchalantly mentioned that the brothers split up and that an odd comment was made, but I did not reveal the entire facts. But in reality, I was in my car to see her reaction first hand as I have a back ground interviewing potential criminal and etc as an intelligence officer in the military and I can read most peoples body language very well.
When I got home she was surprised to see me and acted completely normal. Then I dropped the bomb as to what was exactly said to me. She did what every criminal does when surprised with a question that they were not expecting to come.
My instincts told me one thing but she adamantly denied.
To gather evidence I got my phone records and it revealed they had been talking for as far as I could order the phone records up to 2.5 hours a month.
When confronted she advised she was helping him thru a marriage issue and normal stuff. I am no idiot so I dug further and she finally left the house and went to stay with very close friends that were like the parents I did not have.
While with our friends she played the victim role as well as a Broadway actor by denying everything and saying I was having an affair, was mentally ill, abusive verbally and than she was afraid of me. Each were absolute lies. She was so convincing that they stopped communicating with me and when I would call her he sent me a text asking me to stop cause I was delusional and he was going to call the cops. (I did not say one thing in the text saying I was going to hurt anyone or etc), then when our daughter called my wife failed to talk to her and she called their house phone and got the same response from our mutual friends (they were going to call the cops on our daughter) My daughter and I were shocked as to the lengths she was going over phone calls. *Note: in the phone records the day I called her to tell her the brothers broke up and the one brother made an odd comment the moment I hung up - she called him. (sorry forgot that tidbit of info)
She finally came home and we were going to counseling and she admitted to exaggerating/lying to our mutual friends about me. Her excuse was she was tired of having to answer questions about an insignificant event. But did admit that for many many years she was involved in an emotional affair because of his position in the church, soothing conversations with her, talking about Bible and etc.
Well, a few months later the OM's wife called to tell me to meet for coffee. I did and she dropped the bomb. The OM had confessed that him and my wife had a 10+ year EA and a four year SA. It was only in my wife's business in the back room and there was no intercourse or oral but everything else. (what that meant I do not know).
I came home and confronted my wife. I was not angry because when she left the first time I knew in my heart there was more to the story but I did not have the evidence to prove it, but obviously I was hurt. She immediately denied this and only admitted when I told her I met with the OM face to face and he told me that you guys made a pact to deny, where and when. She finally capitulated.
While this was happening my business has expanded and the OM's business is struggling. My firm has grown and financially I am doing very but still drive my Toyota with 227k, same guy who walks around town in ripped jeans, have same friends since I was a kid who are from all walks of life but are good/loyal/honest people and etc. I say this because she was impressed with his perceived wealth (big hat no cattle), fancy cars and Gucci clothing.
At a counseling session when the counselor asked her how she felt after learning she was only 1 of many girls he was having a SA with, my wife got up and left crying. The counselor advised they would explore this at next session a few days later alone with her.
At the next session they did talk about this at length and after the session my wife went across the street to a business that had a phone, asked to use it and called the OM. The OM refused to speak with her and told his wife (trying to mend their marriage) that she called. His wife called my wife and my wife cried saying she wanted to apologize and etc but no more. The OM's wife called me to tell me she called her husband from a business phone. When confronted she admitted but said it was ONLY because she did not want them to be communicating with me cause we were working on our marriage. OK maybe true but why from a pay phone, why not call his wife and why did she not tell the OM's wife about them not to call me? My opinion: I do not think she thought OM whould refused to talk to her and then tell his wife.
So, here I am at the cross roads! I love my wife and have since I was 17 yoa, but she betrayed me for years, ruined several friendships (friends that I called Mom and Dad cause I was raised by my Grandparents who are deceased) covering up her affair by slandering me, had an EA for 10+ years, SA for 4 years, told ppl lies about me to derail me cause she knows I know how to investigate and I was hot on the trail and she was in a panic - and the list can go on for years.
She has refused to discuss the EA or SA by saying I told you everything so lets get over it and move on and other things that are hurtful to me and show me no respect.
As a side note: She does not seem upset for overly concerned that she hurt our daughter (having cops called on her) or me and the fact she was trying to reconnect with him makes me think she is obsessed with him, there are more lies still uncovered or ????.
Folks: this is way out of my league of expertise and any input/ suggestions wold be greatly appreciated cause I do not know if our relationship can be salvaged or I should look for someone that cares about me.
*Never been any domestic violence whatsoever, I am not controlling, surprise her with perfume, purses and even cars, I am not the jealous type, but I can be distracted at times in my thoughts, have a tendency to be self centered if working on a project or have a goal and can be sarcastic - so I am no saint, but have in the past stood by her side when she had a conflict with a business partner who was embezzling money.
Thank You in Advance!
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