I am not sure how to write this post exactly, since there is a lot of stuff involved. Do I give a long story or a short explanation?
I will go for the long one...and small summary at the bottom.
I am in a long distance relationship with a woman from a European country. My parents are from this country originally, and I always wanted to marry a girl with the same heritage as me for religious and cultural reasons. I am 38, she is 34.
We started talking in February of 2013 and things proceeded to where I came to visit her last August for 3 weeks, things went well, so I came back at Christmas for a month, then in March for a month and I then took a leave of absence from work for 5 months to spend time with her to get to know her.
Neither of us has been in any serious relationship in the past. She is very close to her mother, and just didn't really feel much need or never found the right guy, I have not pushed her much on this aspect. She suffers from some anxiety issues and fear (especially if she thinks she is sick or somebody did something to her) but she is a very strong person (stronger than she thinks) in other aspects, with very good moral beliefs, pretty, honest, gentle, does exactly what she says she will do, slightly interverted, playful with me, can get pissed off in a heart beat but always apologizes if she was wrong. She loves to give gifts and do little things for me at times. She spends a lot of time watching TV, and when I am not around, pretty much just stays home but she is always eager to go out and do a lot of things when we are together. She has cut off all ties with friends over the last 5 years since somebody did something to her in the past, and she doesn't trust anybody ou tside her family for the most part. She doesn't speak badly about people though. Her parents are great people and love me. She is terrified of airplanes and has never been outside of her country, except when I took her to Paris.
Myself, I am 38 and have had some issues growing up, mostly with self worth, some anxiety, fear of failure, feeling I was ugly (though most women told me I was anything but), fear of saying stupid things and sometimes socializing, though I am generally exterverted. I've resolved most of these issues, but they crop up at times. I am hard working but I like my space. Basically, I just grew up with a lot of people around me who "always had a problem with me", be it not living up to my parents standards or my friends in high school perhaps never accepting me fully because while I was born in Canada, my heritage is from another southern European country. I am not abusive, hate to get into fights with people, generally pretty passive but I WILL get into vicious fights with my parents at times. Most people would say I am layed back and reserved, gentle, humble and too empathetic, but those who have worked with me know I can be high strung, always want to do the best, but don 't take criticism the best (depends on how it is presented) and sometimes "freak out" because of that. On top of that, I do suffer from catastrophic thinking at times and I dwell on stuff far more than can be healthy, while most of the time I just tend to do what feels right and not worry about anything. I lived alone for about 10 years, but since 2004, I started living my parents again, first to save money for a house, then because of a bunch of factors. My parents are good people, but they do get on my nerves with knitt picking. I have a good job, contribute around the house, pay for things, don't live in the basement, contribute a lot at church, work out, etc, etc. I did have a few years where I worked, did my "contributions" and played a lot of computer games though. I do sometimes fear change and I can really fear the future at times, especially uncertainty....
When I entered into the relationship, it was all through Skype. We just started talking. My language skills were crap, and she doesn't know any english, but I worked on my language skills and they have improved a lot. There was no "love at first site", though I did find her attractive. She says the same thing about me. When I came here for the first time, I just assumed that I would go spend 2 or 3 days with her, and we would find we are not compatible, and go on our separate ways. That didn't happen. Instead, we spent 2 weeks together.
She told me she wasn't 100% sure she could move to Canada and I needed to risk that. I said I could. I also told her that maybe if things were ok, I could move to her country, though it would be very hard as this country is currently in a major economic situation.
I went back to Canada and booked tickets the next day to come back at Christmas time. I wanted to bring her here, but she gets a vacation only at August of each year, and I didn't want her to come to Canada for 10 days only, the max she could get if she came at Christmas or Easter, so we agreed that in August of 2014, she would come. (If everything went well).
For the next 3 months, I agonized over how to keep the relationship going properly. We would talk on the weekends on Skype, but she said she wanted to hear from me daily, but all she needed was to hear a simple good night or good morning or whatever. This made me nervous and I found myself starting to talk to get anxious and keeping her on skype for longer perhaps than I felt comfortable with, talking to her with GTalk. I eventually discovered Viber and a Predictive Text for my phone (Swype It) and through the power of VOIP and predictive text, I learned to read/write the language, and things got MUCH MUCH easier. We could text all day long and talk for 15 minutes a day, and things were cool. I still had some anxiety left over from the first two months though.
At Christmas I came to see her again, and things went very well, except the last week I was here, she told me that she feared I was a momma's boy, that did everything my mother told me to do. I laughed at that. I lived at home primarily because I was saving up money for a house, not because I couldn't do laundry or cook or clean. I had lived alone from 18 until about 28, with no issues, except some loneliness. I told her if she wants to see who I am really, to come see me in August in Canada.
The "long distance" part of communicating with her was super easy between January and March. I didn't have much of the anxiety I had in the first two months of our relationship, but I do hate speaking on Skype.
I came in March for 3 weeks, and we had a good trip. However, I thought I had a yeast infection on my mouth at one point (turned out it was just hairy tongue) and she thought I had given it to her one night from kissing, and she kind of freaked out at me, then she apologized and everything was fine.
There were a few times when we had some disagreements or fights, and she said to me "If you want to end this now, we can!". I was like WTF? That made me insecure.
After I left in April, the plan was for me to return in early June and stay with her for 2 months, then bring her to Canada all of august. However, we had a fight after a week of being gone from her. I don't like Skype, and I didn't tell her I was off on Good Friday because I wanted to sleep in and I didn't want to inconveniance her at the same time, knowing she was going to church and would need to rush to be able to skype me. So I didn't tell her anything until the last minute that yes I could wake up. She got pissed I didn't tell her, and refused to talk to me on Skype again, VOIP only. No video images. Great. This REALLY rattled me. I changed my June ticket to come back in early may, since my fear was that I was going to go crazy if I didn't see her soon. For the 4 weeks we were apart in April to May, I felt like crap. I was always tense.
Note, I stayed with her and her parents on all these trips to her house in her country.
In early may, I came back to her country. Everything was fine, but this is where the major problems started as well.
Just a note on love:
Sometime after the summer and before Christmas, I started to feel in love with the woman. I wanted to be with her, make her smile, do everything for her... we have not had sex (we were going too soon) and while she is pretty and I am attracted to her physically, that sexual part wasn't motivating me. I felt something inside me for her.
We started to work on her mini-apartment next to her parents apartment. I proceeded to do all the work, which was quite involved but her parents and herself helped me wherever they could. We figured it would take us about 3 weeks, but it instead turned into this 2 month stint. The work involved repainting everything, redoing the bathroom and renovating the kitchen completely (new cupboards and tiles). I WANTED to do the work for her, and I took it on freely, but it really wore me down.
We pretty much stopped going out at night or on the weekends, just staying home and doing work on the house, going out with the intent of getting stuff we needed for the house/apartment or we stayed home and sat on her bed and watched TV. Meanwhile, she and her dad had some massive fights. I on the other hand, felt like a pressure cooker, slowly coming up to a boil.
In the last 2 months, we took one weekend to go see her grandma, which was a fun trip. We went to my parents home town for 2 days, which again was fun. We also went to a popular Island for 4 days, which we had planned for 3 months. The trip was good, but we got badly sunburned on the second last day. We were both sick for 3 days after.
After a few days of moping around the house, I started to question everything. I felt utterly physically and emotionally exhausted. I started questioning if my girlfriend was into me, if she was really going to be able to come to Canada and live there, etc, etc. She had said she wanted to live for 6 months in Canada and 6 months in her country at the start, and I wasn't sure if I could deal with that pressure. I presented these fears to her one evening, and she got upset.
The truth is, these fears had eaten at me for months, but I accepted them and moved on. I didn't know if she was going to stay with me after her trip to Canada in August, and I always worried that if I did get married, maybe she would leave me a few years later if she didn't like it.
So we had that small fight, then she told me she IS coming to Canada in August and that I have to accept the risk that if we get married, it might not work out, because no marriage is certain and I shouldn't expect guarantees on everything all the time. She told me she isn't the type of girl to tell me she will marry me and go anywhere I tell her to go, because she doesn't know and its a risk. I respect that and she is true with that.
A week later my doubts rose again and we had a huge fight, that strangely felt good at the same time to explode and get it all out there. We both said all sorts of hurtful things. I felt like I was going to explode, and I did explode. I was crying and feeling things I had never felt in my life. We screamed and yelled, her parents took no side but tried to tell us we were both being kids. The next day (Friday), she came back from work and we both said sorry. We went to a concert that evening, but something had changed in me.
I just felt dead inside. When I looked at her, I felt nothing. I felt guilt that I no longer felt anything. I love the girl, but that spark and passion in me wasn't there.
The next day (saturday) I went to my parents home town to relax. This trip was planned for a while. We kept in contact though, talking or texting, but I was trying to collect my thoughts, and I just could not feel it anymore. I felt a little bit of relief. I wanted a week away from everybody just to let my mind relax.
I sat around thinking about what caused this. I think it was a bit of her not making me feel secure, and since I am a bit (a lot?) of an insecure person inside for certain things, it ate at me. The anxiety reached a boiling point and I exploded. It was also a large part due to us not doing anything really fun together the last couple of months maybe too, but isn't that closer to real life?
On Monday she called me and said she just wanted me to know this:
She really misses me. She loves me and she wants me to come back.
In all this time, she had never once said she loved me or missed me.
However, I had some joy, but that spark and fire inside me was not there.
Tuesday she called and asked if I was coming. I said I don't know! I don't know how I feel. I feel like I have cooled off to her. When she heard that, she broke down, told me we are over and had a panik attack and left work to go home.
I was shell shocked, but felt nothing at the same time. I sat on the sofa for 6 hours half dazed.
I had packed my bags that morning, even though I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I got in the bus for her city, and took a taxi to her house and got there at 7pm. I don't know what I was going to do, so I sat outside thinking.
At 8:30pm, I decided maybe it was time to go back to my town, so I wrote a message on a piece of paper that said "I just needed more time to get my head in order. Sorry for everything." and I put it on her car window. When I turned around, I saw her sitting on her balcony, but she didn't see me.
I quickly snatched the paper from her car and went to the side of the road, where I could see her but her not see me. I felt pain in side, but not that spark/fire. I watched her for 15 minutes then decided to put the note on her car again and leave, forever.
She saw me then, thinking I was a car thief. When I turned around and saw my face, she almost collapsed.
She told me to come up stairs to the house. her mother came down and let me in, but asked what I was doing and I told her I didn't know anymore.
I spoke with my girlfriend for a while and felt a lot of the cold that was in me, start melting away. We agreed to stay together for the next few days and try and work it out.
Here are my questions:
I love this girl, but I don't feel that spark in my head right now that I felt before. Is this because all the pressure of the last 2 months plus the blow up has caused me to become an ice cube? I actually feel you could tell me my parents are dead, and it wouldn't phase me right now at all.
On one level, I want to break up with her and just end this and go back to my lonely life in Canada. I know I wont be happy, but it will be a bit of a relief from all the effort I have given. However, she is a good person and worse, I don't know if my head is out of whack right now and that is what is making me think this, or not. 3 weeks ago I would of said hell no to this!
For those of you in years of marriages, do you ever reach small periods where you feel your partner is your friend, more than your "lover"?
Can you regain your love for somebody? That "in love" feeling?
We talked again yesterday, and I told her that I love her, but I am worried that I cant handle the effort and work anymore and the fear that I may bring her to Canada and it may not work out. Its like I am scared of life, and this is why I am rejecting her. At other times though, I am fully ok with these fears and just want to face them with her together. We've discussed this. She asked if I had really turned off to her, and I told her that right now, I am an ice cube in side.
I also told her that if I can't find the strength in me over the next few days, we are going to need to move on for good. She doesn't want too, but she deserves better and understands.
She loves me, I know that. It felt like I was chasing after her for so long to show her my own self worth, that when I won her, I ran out of energy at that point and fell on my face. It seems like my own insecurities made it worse for me though, and drained me, for no reason except for my brain having its fears.
If she did anything wrong, it was in unknowingly stoking my insecurities with some of the things she did. Of course, what I did wrong was not telling her what bothered ME early on. She was always clear about what pissed her off. I am pretty layed back, and things tend to not bother me until I find out that they do, then I can snap.
I don't know. I've gone through a lot to be with her, and I have pulled her out of her shell at the same time. I've lost the "spark" and don't know if its my exhausted head, or if its my heart. I WANT that spark. I want to take her to Canada in a couple weeks and show her a different life there and what we could do. It is entirely possible we could go to Canada and she could tell me it isn't for her, and end it then. I don't know, but I was willing to accept that.
I can't take her to Canada feeling the way I feel though, but I worry that the reason I feel like this is just due to all the effort and pressure over the last year causing me to snap in such a way that my brain is NUMB to protect itself, and I will need a few weeks to recover.... and if I recover and find I love her with that fire I had, I may collapse at that point. In other words, I need to go to Canada and be out of a high stress situation in order to relax, to find that love again.
IF I had known about this being in me earlier, and communicated it with her properly, I know she would of allayed my fears. We really only learned to communicate these problems the last few days, but now its like its too late and my heart is numb.
We are spending the next few days together and I hope things change within me. Can they change?
I've learned a LOT about her and myself through this, but I have lost that spark, that spark that I want back. She WANTS me, but I feel wrong to stay here for too long if I can't get that spark back. Does this feeling happen to people in marriages? Am I quitting too easily? Can I regain that spark, and then knowing how I did this, keep it for the future when things are more difficult?
So confused.
I will go for the long one...and small summary at the bottom.
I am in a long distance relationship with a woman from a European country. My parents are from this country originally, and I always wanted to marry a girl with the same heritage as me for religious and cultural reasons. I am 38, she is 34.
We started talking in February of 2013 and things proceeded to where I came to visit her last August for 3 weeks, things went well, so I came back at Christmas for a month, then in March for a month and I then took a leave of absence from work for 5 months to spend time with her to get to know her.
Neither of us has been in any serious relationship in the past. She is very close to her mother, and just didn't really feel much need or never found the right guy, I have not pushed her much on this aspect. She suffers from some anxiety issues and fear (especially if she thinks she is sick or somebody did something to her) but she is a very strong person (stronger than she thinks) in other aspects, with very good moral beliefs, pretty, honest, gentle, does exactly what she says she will do, slightly interverted, playful with me, can get pissed off in a heart beat but always apologizes if she was wrong. She loves to give gifts and do little things for me at times. She spends a lot of time watching TV, and when I am not around, pretty much just stays home but she is always eager to go out and do a lot of things when we are together. She has cut off all ties with friends over the last 5 years since somebody did something to her in the past, and she doesn't trust anybody ou tside her family for the most part. She doesn't speak badly about people though. Her parents are great people and love me. She is terrified of airplanes and has never been outside of her country, except when I took her to Paris.
Myself, I am 38 and have had some issues growing up, mostly with self worth, some anxiety, fear of failure, feeling I was ugly (though most women told me I was anything but), fear of saying stupid things and sometimes socializing, though I am generally exterverted. I've resolved most of these issues, but they crop up at times. I am hard working but I like my space. Basically, I just grew up with a lot of people around me who "always had a problem with me", be it not living up to my parents standards or my friends in high school perhaps never accepting me fully because while I was born in Canada, my heritage is from another southern European country. I am not abusive, hate to get into fights with people, generally pretty passive but I WILL get into vicious fights with my parents at times. Most people would say I am layed back and reserved, gentle, humble and too empathetic, but those who have worked with me know I can be high strung, always want to do the best, but don 't take criticism the best (depends on how it is presented) and sometimes "freak out" because of that. On top of that, I do suffer from catastrophic thinking at times and I dwell on stuff far more than can be healthy, while most of the time I just tend to do what feels right and not worry about anything. I lived alone for about 10 years, but since 2004, I started living my parents again, first to save money for a house, then because of a bunch of factors. My parents are good people, but they do get on my nerves with knitt picking. I have a good job, contribute around the house, pay for things, don't live in the basement, contribute a lot at church, work out, etc, etc. I did have a few years where I worked, did my "contributions" and played a lot of computer games though. I do sometimes fear change and I can really fear the future at times, especially uncertainty....
When I entered into the relationship, it was all through Skype. We just started talking. My language skills were crap, and she doesn't know any english, but I worked on my language skills and they have improved a lot. There was no "love at first site", though I did find her attractive. She says the same thing about me. When I came here for the first time, I just assumed that I would go spend 2 or 3 days with her, and we would find we are not compatible, and go on our separate ways. That didn't happen. Instead, we spent 2 weeks together.
She told me she wasn't 100% sure she could move to Canada and I needed to risk that. I said I could. I also told her that maybe if things were ok, I could move to her country, though it would be very hard as this country is currently in a major economic situation.
I went back to Canada and booked tickets the next day to come back at Christmas time. I wanted to bring her here, but she gets a vacation only at August of each year, and I didn't want her to come to Canada for 10 days only, the max she could get if she came at Christmas or Easter, so we agreed that in August of 2014, she would come. (If everything went well).
For the next 3 months, I agonized over how to keep the relationship going properly. We would talk on the weekends on Skype, but she said she wanted to hear from me daily, but all she needed was to hear a simple good night or good morning or whatever. This made me nervous and I found myself starting to talk to get anxious and keeping her on skype for longer perhaps than I felt comfortable with, talking to her with GTalk. I eventually discovered Viber and a Predictive Text for my phone (Swype It) and through the power of VOIP and predictive text, I learned to read/write the language, and things got MUCH MUCH easier. We could text all day long and talk for 15 minutes a day, and things were cool. I still had some anxiety left over from the first two months though.
At Christmas I came to see her again, and things went very well, except the last week I was here, she told me that she feared I was a momma's boy, that did everything my mother told me to do. I laughed at that. I lived at home primarily because I was saving up money for a house, not because I couldn't do laundry or cook or clean. I had lived alone from 18 until about 28, with no issues, except some loneliness. I told her if she wants to see who I am really, to come see me in August in Canada.
The "long distance" part of communicating with her was super easy between January and March. I didn't have much of the anxiety I had in the first two months of our relationship, but I do hate speaking on Skype.
I came in March for 3 weeks, and we had a good trip. However, I thought I had a yeast infection on my mouth at one point (turned out it was just hairy tongue) and she thought I had given it to her one night from kissing, and she kind of freaked out at me, then she apologized and everything was fine.
There were a few times when we had some disagreements or fights, and she said to me "If you want to end this now, we can!". I was like WTF? That made me insecure.
After I left in April, the plan was for me to return in early June and stay with her for 2 months, then bring her to Canada all of august. However, we had a fight after a week of being gone from her. I don't like Skype, and I didn't tell her I was off on Good Friday because I wanted to sleep in and I didn't want to inconveniance her at the same time, knowing she was going to church and would need to rush to be able to skype me. So I didn't tell her anything until the last minute that yes I could wake up. She got pissed I didn't tell her, and refused to talk to me on Skype again, VOIP only. No video images. Great. This REALLY rattled me. I changed my June ticket to come back in early may, since my fear was that I was going to go crazy if I didn't see her soon. For the 4 weeks we were apart in April to May, I felt like crap. I was always tense.
Note, I stayed with her and her parents on all these trips to her house in her country.
In early may, I came back to her country. Everything was fine, but this is where the major problems started as well.
Just a note on love:
Sometime after the summer and before Christmas, I started to feel in love with the woman. I wanted to be with her, make her smile, do everything for her... we have not had sex (we were going too soon) and while she is pretty and I am attracted to her physically, that sexual part wasn't motivating me. I felt something inside me for her.
We started to work on her mini-apartment next to her parents apartment. I proceeded to do all the work, which was quite involved but her parents and herself helped me wherever they could. We figured it would take us about 3 weeks, but it instead turned into this 2 month stint. The work involved repainting everything, redoing the bathroom and renovating the kitchen completely (new cupboards and tiles). I WANTED to do the work for her, and I took it on freely, but it really wore me down.
We pretty much stopped going out at night or on the weekends, just staying home and doing work on the house, going out with the intent of getting stuff we needed for the house/apartment or we stayed home and sat on her bed and watched TV. Meanwhile, she and her dad had some massive fights. I on the other hand, felt like a pressure cooker, slowly coming up to a boil.
In the last 2 months, we took one weekend to go see her grandma, which was a fun trip. We went to my parents home town for 2 days, which again was fun. We also went to a popular Island for 4 days, which we had planned for 3 months. The trip was good, but we got badly sunburned on the second last day. We were both sick for 3 days after.
After a few days of moping around the house, I started to question everything. I felt utterly physically and emotionally exhausted. I started questioning if my girlfriend was into me, if she was really going to be able to come to Canada and live there, etc, etc. She had said she wanted to live for 6 months in Canada and 6 months in her country at the start, and I wasn't sure if I could deal with that pressure. I presented these fears to her one evening, and she got upset.
The truth is, these fears had eaten at me for months, but I accepted them and moved on. I didn't know if she was going to stay with me after her trip to Canada in August, and I always worried that if I did get married, maybe she would leave me a few years later if she didn't like it.
So we had that small fight, then she told me she IS coming to Canada in August and that I have to accept the risk that if we get married, it might not work out, because no marriage is certain and I shouldn't expect guarantees on everything all the time. She told me she isn't the type of girl to tell me she will marry me and go anywhere I tell her to go, because she doesn't know and its a risk. I respect that and she is true with that.
A week later my doubts rose again and we had a huge fight, that strangely felt good at the same time to explode and get it all out there. We both said all sorts of hurtful things. I felt like I was going to explode, and I did explode. I was crying and feeling things I had never felt in my life. We screamed and yelled, her parents took no side but tried to tell us we were both being kids. The next day (Friday), she came back from work and we both said sorry. We went to a concert that evening, but something had changed in me.
I just felt dead inside. When I looked at her, I felt nothing. I felt guilt that I no longer felt anything. I love the girl, but that spark and passion in me wasn't there.
The next day (saturday) I went to my parents home town to relax. This trip was planned for a while. We kept in contact though, talking or texting, but I was trying to collect my thoughts, and I just could not feel it anymore. I felt a little bit of relief. I wanted a week away from everybody just to let my mind relax.
I sat around thinking about what caused this. I think it was a bit of her not making me feel secure, and since I am a bit (a lot?) of an insecure person inside for certain things, it ate at me. The anxiety reached a boiling point and I exploded. It was also a large part due to us not doing anything really fun together the last couple of months maybe too, but isn't that closer to real life?
On Monday she called me and said she just wanted me to know this:
She really misses me. She loves me and she wants me to come back.
In all this time, she had never once said she loved me or missed me.
However, I had some joy, but that spark and fire inside me was not there.
Tuesday she called and asked if I was coming. I said I don't know! I don't know how I feel. I feel like I have cooled off to her. When she heard that, she broke down, told me we are over and had a panik attack and left work to go home.
I was shell shocked, but felt nothing at the same time. I sat on the sofa for 6 hours half dazed.
I had packed my bags that morning, even though I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I got in the bus for her city, and took a taxi to her house and got there at 7pm. I don't know what I was going to do, so I sat outside thinking.
At 8:30pm, I decided maybe it was time to go back to my town, so I wrote a message on a piece of paper that said "I just needed more time to get my head in order. Sorry for everything." and I put it on her car window. When I turned around, I saw her sitting on her balcony, but she didn't see me.
I quickly snatched the paper from her car and went to the side of the road, where I could see her but her not see me. I felt pain in side, but not that spark/fire. I watched her for 15 minutes then decided to put the note on her car again and leave, forever.
She saw me then, thinking I was a car thief. When I turned around and saw my face, she almost collapsed.
She told me to come up stairs to the house. her mother came down and let me in, but asked what I was doing and I told her I didn't know anymore.
I spoke with my girlfriend for a while and felt a lot of the cold that was in me, start melting away. We agreed to stay together for the next few days and try and work it out.
Here are my questions:
I love this girl, but I don't feel that spark in my head right now that I felt before. Is this because all the pressure of the last 2 months plus the blow up has caused me to become an ice cube? I actually feel you could tell me my parents are dead, and it wouldn't phase me right now at all.
On one level, I want to break up with her and just end this and go back to my lonely life in Canada. I know I wont be happy, but it will be a bit of a relief from all the effort I have given. However, she is a good person and worse, I don't know if my head is out of whack right now and that is what is making me think this, or not. 3 weeks ago I would of said hell no to this!
For those of you in years of marriages, do you ever reach small periods where you feel your partner is your friend, more than your "lover"?
Can you regain your love for somebody? That "in love" feeling?
We talked again yesterday, and I told her that I love her, but I am worried that I cant handle the effort and work anymore and the fear that I may bring her to Canada and it may not work out. Its like I am scared of life, and this is why I am rejecting her. At other times though, I am fully ok with these fears and just want to face them with her together. We've discussed this. She asked if I had really turned off to her, and I told her that right now, I am an ice cube in side.
I also told her that if I can't find the strength in me over the next few days, we are going to need to move on for good. She doesn't want too, but she deserves better and understands.
She loves me, I know that. It felt like I was chasing after her for so long to show her my own self worth, that when I won her, I ran out of energy at that point and fell on my face. It seems like my own insecurities made it worse for me though, and drained me, for no reason except for my brain having its fears.
If she did anything wrong, it was in unknowingly stoking my insecurities with some of the things she did. Of course, what I did wrong was not telling her what bothered ME early on. She was always clear about what pissed her off. I am pretty layed back, and things tend to not bother me until I find out that they do, then I can snap.
I don't know. I've gone through a lot to be with her, and I have pulled her out of her shell at the same time. I've lost the "spark" and don't know if its my exhausted head, or if its my heart. I WANT that spark. I want to take her to Canada in a couple weeks and show her a different life there and what we could do. It is entirely possible we could go to Canada and she could tell me it isn't for her, and end it then. I don't know, but I was willing to accept that.
I can't take her to Canada feeling the way I feel though, but I worry that the reason I feel like this is just due to all the effort and pressure over the last year causing me to snap in such a way that my brain is NUMB to protect itself, and I will need a few weeks to recover.... and if I recover and find I love her with that fire I had, I may collapse at that point. In other words, I need to go to Canada and be out of a high stress situation in order to relax, to find that love again.
IF I had known about this being in me earlier, and communicated it with her properly, I know she would of allayed my fears. We really only learned to communicate these problems the last few days, but now its like its too late and my heart is numb.
We are spending the next few days together and I hope things change within me. Can they change?
I've learned a LOT about her and myself through this, but I have lost that spark, that spark that I want back. She WANTS me, but I feel wrong to stay here for too long if I can't get that spark back. Does this feeling happen to people in marriages? Am I quitting too easily? Can I regain that spark, and then knowing how I did this, keep it for the future when things are more difficult?
So confused.
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