H all,
This is the first time I have every posted anything regarding my personal problems. About me.... I have been married for almost 19 years and have three wonderful kids. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't get phased by many things mostly because I hate drama. I have been this way my entire life and my family (father, mother, and two brothers) is exactly the same. My mother and father divorced when I was 5 and I did not see much of my father, even when it was his weekend. he worked 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week. I no longer talk to my 81 yr old father because he decided that he did not want to be a part of my children's lives. That wasn't a difficult decision because he wasn't around much anyway when I was young. I also do not speak to my older brother. My wife is a wonderful person and I lover here a lot. She is the kind a woman who seems to love drama. Her whole family is the same way. Her family is still intact and do a lot of things together. Although I'm very jeal ous, I love it! To explain the drama thing, If they have a problem with something, they all prefer to complain about it and make everyone around them feel their pain, instead of taking steps to solve the problem. Basically what I do when faced with a problem. This causes frequent arguments in my household. She'll say "go complain" and I'll say, "before I complain, what are we hoping to solve". Sometimes in service situations, I will just complain. Also she has also become increasingly passive aggressive.
I know I'm rambling here.... hopefully I can straighten this out some.
Over the past few years my marriage has been under a lot of stress. She gets mad at me for a lot of little things and really puts me down... little personal attacks. (her whole family does this to each other and to their spouses). when she does this, I pull away. Sometimes I'll stand up for myself but she is better at putting me back down. This temporarily pushes me away but during that time, I don't want to take her out or sit in bed and watch tv with here because I don't want to get hammered again. Well this causes more arguments. These days Its hard to find the energy to stand up for myself so I usually just let her say her piece and I walk away.
moving on.
four years ago, I decided to go into business for myself. My wife was on board 100%. I promised that I would not work late nights and weekends and will always be involved with the kids' activities. I feel that I have kept up this part of the deal. on top of this, I made it know that my mother, who is very wealthy, will provide support until the business gets off the ground. There was no way it would work with out that kind of help, at least without the risk of diving further into debt. The first two years, it worked out fine but over the past two years, my mother just give us checks that we didn't ask for. Very generous of her.
Now a little about my mom who is now a huge problem. She is 72 and live only a couple of miles away. she leads a very regimented live where it seem like everything is on a schedule and she'll do what ever is necessary to avoid traffic and crowds, be home before dark, reach every destination on or before schedule, etc.... Also, if we ask her to watch the kids so we can go out, we only have a three hour window before my mother starts stressing out. Very odd personality. Unfortunately I sometimes fall into doing this too and am constantly struggling with it. I don't even wear a watch because I used to be hyper aware of time. She also is one to speak her mind which is not always a good thing. I think this is the one thing my wife and my mother have in common. on the bright side, my mother is the most generous person I know. Not because she has made my life easier but she has donated several thousands of dollars to my kids' schools as well as their youth sports organiz ations. She donates to animal shelters and other charities. I truly believe her heart is always in the right place, even though it may not seem like it sometimes.
Recently my wife and mother have locked horns over a variety of issues and I agree with my wife that my mother was out of line. But, depending on the situation, I tell my with that the issues have a lot to do with my mom's quirky personality and should not be taken as a personal assault. I even confronted my mother recently regarding a specific incident and she said that she didn't mean any harm by what she said and promised to be careful in the future. My wife takes everything personal and often accuses me of defending my mother, taking sides if you will, but all I'm doing is just trying to diffuse the situation.
The kicker is yesterday I sent my other a text to check in because I normally hear from her at least once a week. My wife came unglued because apparently I should not have checked in since my mother caused the above problem. Maybe true but I didn't put that much thought into it since the above incident happened two weeks ago. This may have been the tipping point....
The position I am in now...
I do love my wife very much and although I stated the more negative things above, there is much more good in her. I don't want to subject my kids to divorce. I am a product of that and feel that my parent's divorce had a horrible, life long effect on my brothers and I. I feel that part of my childhood was destroyed because of it. I am very confused and not sure how to make my wife happy anymore and I'm not sure how to divert potential issues before they become problems. I don't want to abandon the only family I have left and I think it would be ridiculous to, right? I really want to turn this marriage around. Hopefully by the rambling above, someone could decipher my issues or at least know the questions to ask me to get closer to the root and solution of my problem.
Thanks,
This is the first time I have every posted anything regarding my personal problems. About me.... I have been married for almost 19 years and have three wonderful kids. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't get phased by many things mostly because I hate drama. I have been this way my entire life and my family (father, mother, and two brothers) is exactly the same. My mother and father divorced when I was 5 and I did not see much of my father, even when it was his weekend. he worked 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week. I no longer talk to my 81 yr old father because he decided that he did not want to be a part of my children's lives. That wasn't a difficult decision because he wasn't around much anyway when I was young. I also do not speak to my older brother. My wife is a wonderful person and I lover here a lot. She is the kind a woman who seems to love drama. Her whole family is the same way. Her family is still intact and do a lot of things together. Although I'm very jeal ous, I love it! To explain the drama thing, If they have a problem with something, they all prefer to complain about it and make everyone around them feel their pain, instead of taking steps to solve the problem. Basically what I do when faced with a problem. This causes frequent arguments in my household. She'll say "go complain" and I'll say, "before I complain, what are we hoping to solve". Sometimes in service situations, I will just complain. Also she has also become increasingly passive aggressive.
I know I'm rambling here.... hopefully I can straighten this out some.
Over the past few years my marriage has been under a lot of stress. She gets mad at me for a lot of little things and really puts me down... little personal attacks. (her whole family does this to each other and to their spouses). when she does this, I pull away. Sometimes I'll stand up for myself but she is better at putting me back down. This temporarily pushes me away but during that time, I don't want to take her out or sit in bed and watch tv with here because I don't want to get hammered again. Well this causes more arguments. These days Its hard to find the energy to stand up for myself so I usually just let her say her piece and I walk away.
moving on.
four years ago, I decided to go into business for myself. My wife was on board 100%. I promised that I would not work late nights and weekends and will always be involved with the kids' activities. I feel that I have kept up this part of the deal. on top of this, I made it know that my mother, who is very wealthy, will provide support until the business gets off the ground. There was no way it would work with out that kind of help, at least without the risk of diving further into debt. The first two years, it worked out fine but over the past two years, my mother just give us checks that we didn't ask for. Very generous of her.
Now a little about my mom who is now a huge problem. She is 72 and live only a couple of miles away. she leads a very regimented live where it seem like everything is on a schedule and she'll do what ever is necessary to avoid traffic and crowds, be home before dark, reach every destination on or before schedule, etc.... Also, if we ask her to watch the kids so we can go out, we only have a three hour window before my mother starts stressing out. Very odd personality. Unfortunately I sometimes fall into doing this too and am constantly struggling with it. I don't even wear a watch because I used to be hyper aware of time. She also is one to speak her mind which is not always a good thing. I think this is the one thing my wife and my mother have in common. on the bright side, my mother is the most generous person I know. Not because she has made my life easier but she has donated several thousands of dollars to my kids' schools as well as their youth sports organiz ations. She donates to animal shelters and other charities. I truly believe her heart is always in the right place, even though it may not seem like it sometimes.
Recently my wife and mother have locked horns over a variety of issues and I agree with my wife that my mother was out of line. But, depending on the situation, I tell my with that the issues have a lot to do with my mom's quirky personality and should not be taken as a personal assault. I even confronted my mother recently regarding a specific incident and she said that she didn't mean any harm by what she said and promised to be careful in the future. My wife takes everything personal and often accuses me of defending my mother, taking sides if you will, but all I'm doing is just trying to diffuse the situation.
The kicker is yesterday I sent my other a text to check in because I normally hear from her at least once a week. My wife came unglued because apparently I should not have checked in since my mother caused the above problem. Maybe true but I didn't put that much thought into it since the above incident happened two weeks ago. This may have been the tipping point....
The position I am in now...
I do love my wife very much and although I stated the more negative things above, there is much more good in her. I don't want to subject my kids to divorce. I am a product of that and feel that my parent's divorce had a horrible, life long effect on my brothers and I. I feel that part of my childhood was destroyed because of it. I am very confused and not sure how to make my wife happy anymore and I'm not sure how to divert potential issues before they become problems. I don't want to abandon the only family I have left and I think it would be ridiculous to, right? I really want to turn this marriage around. Hopefully by the rambling above, someone could decipher my issues or at least know the questions to ask me to get closer to the root and solution of my problem.
Thanks,
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