For the past six months or more, my husband and I had been going through a rough patch. We were in counseling and it was helping, but not as much or as quickly as we needed. However, it seemed that we were both committed to making it work and that we were slowly making progress.
To my great surprise, my husband moved out a few weeks ago. He says that he does not want a divorce, but he needs a break from the conflict and "apprehension of conflict" before we can continue to work on our relationship. The conflict he is referring to is primarily me being worried about his lack of commitment and reaching out to him for affirmation, and him getting annoyed and/or feeling pressured by my need for reassurance. He claims that we were secure until I started doing this, and that my worry has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Initially, he asked for a six week break -- not quite no contact, because we have children together, but no talking about us, seeing other, etc. except as needed to deal with the kids. Since then, he has softened up a bit, and we've socialized together a few times and had sex. I sent him a letter asking to clarify our boundaries so that he can have the space he needs and we can leave the door open for reconciliation, and he has responded positively to it. However, he is not ready to work on our relationship yet and doesn't know when he will be.
He claims that he still loves me and that he has NOT fallen out of love with me. (In other words, no ILYBINILWY.) He claims there is no one else and for various reasons (lack of any evidence despite a thorough investigation, plus other circumstances that make it impossible and/or unlikely) I'm choosing to believe him, but I'm also keeping my eye out just in case.
I've been handling myself really well -- no crying, begging, pleading, etc. Very little anger (just a couple of conversations where I raised my voice). I only call him to talk about our children and other logistical issues. I'm making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.
Of course, I have been reading up on mid-life crises (he's 35), walk-away spouses, wayward spouses, etc and I see definite parallels, but at the same time he's not demanding a divorce or telling me that we have no future. Do you think it's possible that he's more than a stereotype? Could I have pushed him away by seeking out a connection? Is it possible that he will feel safe to return once he no longer feels pressured?
To my great surprise, my husband moved out a few weeks ago. He says that he does not want a divorce, but he needs a break from the conflict and "apprehension of conflict" before we can continue to work on our relationship. The conflict he is referring to is primarily me being worried about his lack of commitment and reaching out to him for affirmation, and him getting annoyed and/or feeling pressured by my need for reassurance. He claims that we were secure until I started doing this, and that my worry has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Initially, he asked for a six week break -- not quite no contact, because we have children together, but no talking about us, seeing other, etc. except as needed to deal with the kids. Since then, he has softened up a bit, and we've socialized together a few times and had sex. I sent him a letter asking to clarify our boundaries so that he can have the space he needs and we can leave the door open for reconciliation, and he has responded positively to it. However, he is not ready to work on our relationship yet and doesn't know when he will be.
He claims that he still loves me and that he has NOT fallen out of love with me. (In other words, no ILYBINILWY.) He claims there is no one else and for various reasons (lack of any evidence despite a thorough investigation, plus other circumstances that make it impossible and/or unlikely) I'm choosing to believe him, but I'm also keeping my eye out just in case.
I've been handling myself really well -- no crying, begging, pleading, etc. Very little anger (just a couple of conversations where I raised my voice). I only call him to talk about our children and other logistical issues. I'm making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.
Of course, I have been reading up on mid-life crises (he's 35), walk-away spouses, wayward spouses, etc and I see definite parallels, but at the same time he's not demanding a divorce or telling me that we have no future. Do you think it's possible that he's more than a stereotype? Could I have pushed him away by seeking out a connection? Is it possible that he will feel safe to return once he no longer feels pressured?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment