Would you give this woman another chance?

I would love to know how you would see my situation with my ex. I feel so torn.

Here's what happened:

1. We had a very rough long distance marriage (me in Vancouver, and her in San Jose) that lasted 2 years before I ended it with her. The main problem was that she continually, angrily resisted moving to Vancouver to be with me, even though that was our plan.

2. About a year into it, thanks to advice that I got from this great forum (thanks guys!), I tried being more firm and setting clearer expectations and boundaries. This had mixed results.

3. I began suspecting that she was being unfaithful, and I got paranoid about it. I couldn't afford a PI but I did some digital sleuthing I don't feel good about having done that, by the way. I remember feeling that I wished I would find something incriminating, because this would give me an honorable way to bow out. (Sick, I know.) I found the following:

a. She had quite a few encounters, and many conversations, with a guy (let's call him "Guy A"). There was a text from her to a friend of hers saying "I'm in love with Guy A, what do I do?". I know she went to his house for dinner several times. I know that at least once, she stayed over at his place - this was after a music festival, possibly with her cousin also being there. Also, she changed his name on her phone contact list.

b. Another guy ("Guy B") is an older gentleman, a mentor of hers that I have known about forever but, unlike Guy A, I didn't suspect anything. She tried to arrange to meet Guy B in two foreign places (one where she went for a wedding and another for work). She also sent him a very... intimate picture, after he requested it, and a very suggestive text that basically was an invitation fondle her, um, above-the-waist intimate parts. I don't think they actually got together or did anything.

c. She said to various people that she was not in love anymore, doubtful about the marriage, didn't want to live where I lived, etc. She also talked about how she had to make a 'decision', i.e., a decision about whether to leave me or not.

4. When I found all of this I thought long and hard about it all, and finally decided I had to put an end to it. After seeing what I saw, I was certain it would be mutual. I packed all her things into boxes and booked myself a roundtrip, same day flight to end it. Much to my surprise, she tried very hard to talk me out of it. For each thing that I mentioned I knew about or saw, she said there was an explanation - e.g. she didn't mean it, she was confused, etc., let's work on it, etc. I told her I made my decision, and the best I could do was think about it for a few days. She tried to get me stay overnight but I wouldn't.

5. Fast forward 9 months. It looks like our breakup genuinely was a traumatic and life-changing event for her.

a. She has sent letters, flowers, gifts etc. For the first few months it was continuous but I didn't reply or respond and so it quieted down. She flew up 3 times to try to talk me out of it.

b. She says she was wrong about not wanting to live here, she was torn and confused etc., trying to please both me and her family, which she now sees was a mistake (for context - she works for her family business in San Jose). She says if I take her back she will immediately move here to be with me, and forever will live anywhere I want.

c. She has been in therapy, working with 3 therapists, working on herself and the issues that she now says she sees drove her to behave badly. She also has taken up meditation and kundalini yoga, which she says has changed her profoundly.

d. Finally she said she was coming up here and she would really like to meet with me and talk. I relented and saw her 3 times, to hear her out. I tried very hard to gauge whether she is being genuine and whether I can trust her. I have to say that she seems to really have had a personal transformation of sorts. She was listening, and empathetic, and seemed genuinely remorseful. She asked again and again for me to give her a chance. I initially said no and then I said I could think it over and I need a week or so.

e. It's been a week. I am really torn. I still love her but I am deeply afraid that if I give her this chance, things will be the same as before, except that somehow I will now be trapped.

6. I should add that in addition to our problems that I've brought to this forum, we had many great times together, excellent chemistry, and shared interests, and she generally has a lovely personality.

I feel guilty and I love her, and I care about keeping my commitments especially in this context. If somehow we could get past our incredibly rough start, and be happy together, that would be a dream for me. But the odds seem to be badly against it working out, and I really don't want to go through the heartache and disappointment and guilt of breaking up again.

Would you give this woman a chance?

Put the internet to work for you.

Turn off or edit this Recipe