How do I overcome & recognize the chaos of emotions I am having?

Ive been married for 20 years now, got married after 2 months b/c she was pregnant. We now have a 14, 17, 19, & 21 they all live with us. I was abused by my father growing up & had to support myself as an early teen from there I have become a successful businessman & have given my family anything & everything I can... In return I have spoiled them a little too much. My marriage has been on the outs for years now I never felt like "she was enough" I left a few times for months at a time have cheated, we even tried counseling. 11 months ago I decided enough is enough and left, had her sign separation papers and was out. I was meeting with a friend on a regular basis for work during this time... I had known her for awhile & after leaving realized that I had feelings for this woman she was so much different from anyone else in my life. She woke me up & I felt alive again I began to become confident, didnt need my anxiety meds, etc life was going well until a few months into it the kids & ex were blaming the woman for being the reason etc and it truly was not but I have fallen very in love with her I feel like I never knew what love was until being with her. She has been an absolute angel dealing w my family & being understanding of it all... In the past months my ex went to counseling as well as myself she says she wont give up on me, tells the kids all of the details they shouldnt know about, she threatens to end her life if I dont come back, shes lost tons of weight stopped seeing her therapist. She has never worked a day in her life & has consumed all of these past 11 months obsessing begging & pleading for me back. It is all very unattractive & cannot see myself with her. She has now gotten the kids on her side & they say that if I dont come back they will never talk to me again... Then they say its only bc of the woman though she has always been kind to them.
Im stuck at a crossroads... My kids are my number one priority in life and I will do anything to make them happy but how? I have these feelings for my ex but not like this woman its diff & I dont want to leave her helpless Ive been paying 10k monthly for her & kids, why do I still have feelings for her & so much guilt? I know I love this woman & we are connected on every level & makes me feel like I can love myself I dont want to lose her how do I handle all of this? I am currently all alone in another state telling them all I need a break.. trying to figure out how to make everyone happy with me being able to be happy with this woman.

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