I didn't want to highjack the other thread about if you trust your WS 100%, and once I realized how long my reply was thought a new one was in order.
True. At the time it felt very much like he'd taken all the trust I'd given him, all the secrets I'd shared, and all my worse fears and designed my own personal designed just for me Hell.
His affair left me feeling like I had a hole inside....like I was missing a part of myself or had this huge void in me. And I think that void I found myself with was the part I filled up with my husband/our marriage. I feel myself healing, but I believe that void is now being filled up by others instead of just him {family, friends, life in general}.
I have let him back inside but no where to the extent he once occupied my heart and life. And maybe it's for the best, it doesn't feel like it some days...right now it's most days. I guess in part because I miss my delusions. My absolute certainty that this man loved me and would never do anything to risk our happiness.
I used to wonder how I could feel so empty yet be so full of pain. We are still together BTW. What can I say... I still love the idjit.
He says he felt "unfulfilled" like there should be more, and I wasn't filling those needs, yet he never once told me things were missing. When I'd feel the distance growing and try to get him to open up he'd simply assure me all was well. So he filled his void with a much younger woman and I suppose by giving it to me. Now I'm the one with a void. Weird how that turned out. :scratchhead:
I have thought and thought about why I cannot give him all my trust again. I mean isn't that what forgiveness is all about? Letting go of the pain and anger and all the nastiness inside?? Maybe it's my way of protecting my heart? If I don't let him all the way in, if I don't let go of it all, am I somehow protecting my heart should he ever stray again?? I dunno folks some times my head aches because I don't know the answers and I never will.
I cannot wrap my mind around it because I would never have done this. I would have left if I found myself that damn tempted to stray. uggggggggggggh So because of that convection YOU DON'T CHEAT EVER, PERIOD. YOU LEAVE FIRST I can't ever accept his "WhyS" (I was married before and when I found myself thinking "what if" about someone else I knew it was past time to leave. I left the next day and filed for divorce. So that is why I know I would leave before cheating. No implied judgement here, except where hubby is concerned, since he knew all this before we married.)
Thoughts anyone? Similar reaction? Am I just being petty to keep holding on to this, never really letting go of it completely?? I don't think I will ever understand this. Why?? "Why" is something I keep asking and there simply isn't a good enough answer for me. Damn. I hate feeling like this. Stupid triggers. I'd stomp my feet and have fit if it's help but I doubt it'd do a thing to change this. :mad::scratchhead::(:banghead:
To add insult to injury most the time he is oblivious and has no clue something has triggered me. And if I am fool enough to explain my tears or crappy mood I get the look. You know the one I bet. The one that says louder than any words, "Oh crap, I am so not dealing with this again. I am tired of this just let it go." I'd love to have an erase button and do just that.
Sorry for the ramble folks. Been a bad week for me. If any of you made it to the end of this thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by Headspin (Post 9623441) [...]you never for a moment believe you will end up with somebody using your depth of love and trust to actually dismantle you emotionally |
True. At the time it felt very much like he'd taken all the trust I'd given him, all the secrets I'd shared, and all my worse fears and designed my own personal designed just for me Hell.
His affair left me feeling like I had a hole inside....like I was missing a part of myself or had this huge void in me. And I think that void I found myself with was the part I filled up with my husband/our marriage. I feel myself healing, but I believe that void is now being filled up by others instead of just him {family, friends, life in general}.
I have let him back inside but no where to the extent he once occupied my heart and life. And maybe it's for the best, it doesn't feel like it some days...right now it's most days. I guess in part because I miss my delusions. My absolute certainty that this man loved me and would never do anything to risk our happiness.
I used to wonder how I could feel so empty yet be so full of pain. We are still together BTW. What can I say... I still love the idjit.
He says he felt "unfulfilled" like there should be more, and I wasn't filling those needs, yet he never once told me things were missing. When I'd feel the distance growing and try to get him to open up he'd simply assure me all was well. So he filled his void with a much younger woman and I suppose by giving it to me. Now I'm the one with a void. Weird how that turned out. :scratchhead:
I have thought and thought about why I cannot give him all my trust again. I mean isn't that what forgiveness is all about? Letting go of the pain and anger and all the nastiness inside?? Maybe it's my way of protecting my heart? If I don't let him all the way in, if I don't let go of it all, am I somehow protecting my heart should he ever stray again?? I dunno folks some times my head aches because I don't know the answers and I never will.
I cannot wrap my mind around it because I would never have done this. I would have left if I found myself that damn tempted to stray. uggggggggggggh So because of that convection YOU DON'T CHEAT EVER, PERIOD. YOU LEAVE FIRST I can't ever accept his "WhyS" (I was married before and when I found myself thinking "what if" about someone else I knew it was past time to leave. I left the next day and filed for divorce. So that is why I know I would leave before cheating. No implied judgement here, except where hubby is concerned, since he knew all this before we married.)
Thoughts anyone? Similar reaction? Am I just being petty to keep holding on to this, never really letting go of it completely?? I don't think I will ever understand this. Why?? "Why" is something I keep asking and there simply isn't a good enough answer for me. Damn. I hate feeling like this. Stupid triggers. I'd stomp my feet and have fit if it's help but I doubt it'd do a thing to change this. :mad::scratchhead::(:banghead:
To add insult to injury most the time he is oblivious and has no clue something has triggered me. And if I am fool enough to explain my tears or crappy mood I get the look. You know the one I bet. The one that says louder than any words, "Oh crap, I am so not dealing with this again. I am tired of this just let it go." I'd love to have an erase button and do just that.
Sorry for the ramble folks. Been a bad week for me. If any of you made it to the end of this thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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