I found a good article on this:
Reasons for Controlling Behavior in Relationships
The first step to finding out the cause is noticing your partner. Observe and put in a thought to his or her actions and thought process. Unless you understand his/her issues and concerns, merely cribbing is not going to help. This also includes judging such people fairly; ultimately, all this is pointless if your feelings make you completely blind to a side of theirs. Being dominant could be a person's character trait, but mostly such behavior is triggered -- for a short or long while -- by either of the following reasons:
➤ Insecurities and Possessiveness
Almost everyone whose partner is controlling will agree that he/she is insecure and possessive at some level. Before you start complaining about feeling strangled and restrained, try to understand the other person's point of view. Merely mud-slinging and blaming each other is going to take the relationship nowhere.
Psychologically, a man's basic instinct is to protect and control! They are hardwired to call the shots and be the 'alpha' in a relationship. Women, on the other hand, usually make more sacrifices and mend their ways to build a relationship and thus are bound to feel 'pushed over' or neglected at times. So feeling insecure is natural in any relationship. One needs to be careful that it doesn't turn to irrational over-possessiveness that eats up your personal space and suffocates you.
➤ Has He/She Always Been Dominant?
If the person has always been the more controlling and dominant one, then it is a strong part of his/her personality itself. As a character trait, dominance need not be overpowering. However, if your partner uses this as an excuse to get away with saying or doing unacceptable things, then it is a serious concern.
➤ Past Experiences
Trust and faith are the most important aspects in any relationship. If your partner has faced betrayal in the past, chances are that he/she will be apprehensive about trusting anyone again. These experiences could be with anyone close to them; their previous partner, family members or even trusted friends! With these trust issues and conflicts targeted towards you, you would tend to be frustrated.
Here, there's a good and a bad side. The bright side is that your partner will not hold out on you forever. He/she is scarred from a previous relationship; with enough love, compassion and time they are sure to overcome these feelings of insecurity and betrayal. The not-so-good side is that even after being extremely patient and understanding, it may take them extremely long to start trusting you.
➤ Constantly Seeks Love and Approval
People, who are extremely dominant or controlling are undoubtedly the biggest attention seekers. With such a partner, your life is bound to circle around his/her needs and priorities. On a subconscious level, they seek someone's approval and praise. This could be because of a childhood trauma, the feeling of not having accomplished much in their life, or their fear of abandonment.
How to Deal with Them
➤ Communicate: Talk to your partner; assure him/her of their value in your life. Let them know that you are willing to go an extra mile to help them, even if you have to make some personal sacrifices. Talking can take you a long way in resolving this issue.
➤ Be Patient: Remember that your partner could be truly hurt and disturbed by a certain issue -- from the distant or recent past. He/she might find such instances too personal to be shared. Don't get hurt and disheartened. To sort this, you will have to be tremendously patient.
➤ Earn Trust: Just saying things will not truly affect someone. Let your actions reflect your thoughts. Take that extra effort to show them you are faithful; be honest and completely transparent about each detail of your life. Remember, trust is a subconscious phenomenon. If they feel that genuineness, then it is just a matter of time before they let go of their insecurities!
➤ Always Have Options: Don't give in to your spouse's demands just because he or she is dominating. Ensure that you always have an option in every argument, or decision. It cannot simply be their way or the highway.
➤ Learn to Say No: The first step in standing up to the bully in a relationship is to say "no." Tell them when something is unacceptable and irrational. This is crucial because it lets the other person know that you are going to take a stand for what you believe, no matter how much they undermine your opinion, or belittle you.
➤ Be Strong-willed: Such people get desperate when things don't go their way. They will try manipulating or threatening you so much that unless you agree, they might do something rash. Don't fall for any of this irrespective of how much they intimidate, or emotionally blackmail you. One instance of weakness will eventually mean giving in to their demands always.
➤ Respect Yourself: Put your foot down whenever he/she crosses a line; like telling you to behave in a certain way or commenting on your clothing. Unless you respect yourself, no one out there is going to respect you. So it is important to stand up for yourself and never give in to irrational demands. Don't let him or her trample over you time and again and get away with a mere superficial apology.
As the submissive one, you need to introspect as to what you seek from the relationship. If you are looking for a faithful and long-term commitment, then is your partner looking for the same goals as well? If yes, only then it is sensible to invest so much effort in improving things.
Read more at Buzzle: Controlling Behavior in Relationships
Reasons for Controlling Behavior in Relationships
The first step to finding out the cause is noticing your partner. Observe and put in a thought to his or her actions and thought process. Unless you understand his/her issues and concerns, merely cribbing is not going to help. This also includes judging such people fairly; ultimately, all this is pointless if your feelings make you completely blind to a side of theirs. Being dominant could be a person's character trait, but mostly such behavior is triggered -- for a short or long while -- by either of the following reasons:
➤ Insecurities and Possessiveness
Almost everyone whose partner is controlling will agree that he/she is insecure and possessive at some level. Before you start complaining about feeling strangled and restrained, try to understand the other person's point of view. Merely mud-slinging and blaming each other is going to take the relationship nowhere.
Psychologically, a man's basic instinct is to protect and control! They are hardwired to call the shots and be the 'alpha' in a relationship. Women, on the other hand, usually make more sacrifices and mend their ways to build a relationship and thus are bound to feel 'pushed over' or neglected at times. So feeling insecure is natural in any relationship. One needs to be careful that it doesn't turn to irrational over-possessiveness that eats up your personal space and suffocates you.
➤ Has He/She Always Been Dominant?
If the person has always been the more controlling and dominant one, then it is a strong part of his/her personality itself. As a character trait, dominance need not be overpowering. However, if your partner uses this as an excuse to get away with saying or doing unacceptable things, then it is a serious concern.
➤ Past Experiences
Trust and faith are the most important aspects in any relationship. If your partner has faced betrayal in the past, chances are that he/she will be apprehensive about trusting anyone again. These experiences could be with anyone close to them; their previous partner, family members or even trusted friends! With these trust issues and conflicts targeted towards you, you would tend to be frustrated.
Here, there's a good and a bad side. The bright side is that your partner will not hold out on you forever. He/she is scarred from a previous relationship; with enough love, compassion and time they are sure to overcome these feelings of insecurity and betrayal. The not-so-good side is that even after being extremely patient and understanding, it may take them extremely long to start trusting you.
➤ Constantly Seeks Love and Approval
People, who are extremely dominant or controlling are undoubtedly the biggest attention seekers. With such a partner, your life is bound to circle around his/her needs and priorities. On a subconscious level, they seek someone's approval and praise. This could be because of a childhood trauma, the feeling of not having accomplished much in their life, or their fear of abandonment.
How to Deal with Them
➤ Communicate: Talk to your partner; assure him/her of their value in your life. Let them know that you are willing to go an extra mile to help them, even if you have to make some personal sacrifices. Talking can take you a long way in resolving this issue.
➤ Be Patient: Remember that your partner could be truly hurt and disturbed by a certain issue -- from the distant or recent past. He/she might find such instances too personal to be shared. Don't get hurt and disheartened. To sort this, you will have to be tremendously patient.
➤ Earn Trust: Just saying things will not truly affect someone. Let your actions reflect your thoughts. Take that extra effort to show them you are faithful; be honest and completely transparent about each detail of your life. Remember, trust is a subconscious phenomenon. If they feel that genuineness, then it is just a matter of time before they let go of their insecurities!
➤ Always Have Options: Don't give in to your spouse's demands just because he or she is dominating. Ensure that you always have an option in every argument, or decision. It cannot simply be their way or the highway.
➤ Learn to Say No: The first step in standing up to the bully in a relationship is to say "no." Tell them when something is unacceptable and irrational. This is crucial because it lets the other person know that you are going to take a stand for what you believe, no matter how much they undermine your opinion, or belittle you.
➤ Be Strong-willed: Such people get desperate when things don't go their way. They will try manipulating or threatening you so much that unless you agree, they might do something rash. Don't fall for any of this irrespective of how much they intimidate, or emotionally blackmail you. One instance of weakness will eventually mean giving in to their demands always.
➤ Respect Yourself: Put your foot down whenever he/she crosses a line; like telling you to behave in a certain way or commenting on your clothing. Unless you respect yourself, no one out there is going to respect you. So it is important to stand up for yourself and never give in to irrational demands. Don't let him or her trample over you time and again and get away with a mere superficial apology.
As the submissive one, you need to introspect as to what you seek from the relationship. If you are looking for a faithful and long-term commitment, then is your partner looking for the same goals as well? If yes, only then it is sensible to invest so much effort in improving things.
Read more at Buzzle: Controlling Behavior in Relationships
Put the internet to work for you.
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