I don't get it

I don't remember now how long ago I first posted on here. It has been about 3.5 years since my affair was revealed to my wife. I don't think my story is terribly unique from what I have read on here. Every inch of the last 3.5 years has been a grind. A painful, demoralizing grind that I can't see the end of. The background of my other posts might help this make sense, but I just don't get both holding onto the pain and bitterness caused by the betrayal and lying of the affair AND not taking steps to end the relationship (by the betrayed). It is as though she is both unwilling to move forward and unwilling to let go. It leads me to think the only way for a relationship to survive infidelity is for the betrayed to choose it...to move forward with the intent of loving the person who was unfaithful or to cut it off. I also think the biggest factor that can affect what happens is the intrinsic self-worth of the betrayed. Can you find value in yourself even if someone else has told you with their actions that they do not (or did not) value you as a partner, a spouse? I do understand why my wife has never chosen to end the relationship. I don't understand why she chooses to continually tear it back down past the foundation. And maybe it is because I don't understand my own role in rebuilding it. I'm lost in what action to take. I feel shell shocked every time she blows up. She screams at me (still in front of the kids). She fakes hitting me to make me flinch...I don't know how to describe this...it is new as of this morning. She was yelling and started making exaggerated in-my-face hand gestures while popping her face close to mine. I guess i would call it aggressive posturing intended to intimidate and scare me? It works just like that. This is how she tells me what she needs to make progress....every time it happens I withdraw. It scares the life out of me. She wants me to overcome the demeaning treatment, name calling, threatening, and whatnot by telling her what I love about her. When I say I don't understand...she gets angrier. It simply does not make sense to me. Every time I have posted here, the majority of replies have been to say "its over dude, move on". I think the short answer is, I'm not going to move on. I will go down with this ship...or have already. And at the same time, I still have intrinsic self-worth. I don't think my life is over. I believe love is real. I believe people like me for me. I don't know that my wife does. But as a whole...people see value in me and so do I...as a father, as a friend, as a contributor to society. And so...while I accept that 60% or more of replies to this post will say "its over...move on", I would love to hear suggestions for how to make it clear (3.5 years later...after many attempts) that I regret the affair and am remorseful, that I love my wife and want to protect her and make her happy, that I am not the same as I was during the affair (though some things are the same...I still have many needs that are not being met, though they have largely been put on hold now for more than 3 years).

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