Remorse

Hi, I'm "movealong" and I am an alcoholic. I have been in recovery for 6 months. I have not had a drink since the day before my first meeting, and I have not had the craving or urge to buy/consume alcohol in over 4 months. I attend AA, have a Sponsor, and I am working the steps. I am 47 years old, and I drank for 37 years. Yes, you read that correctly. To say that alcoholism runs in my family is an understatement. I don't know why Native Americans are so susceptible to alcoholism, but we are. In spite of my alcoholic nature I went to college and earned a degree, have maintained jobs and got rewarded for my abilities at each new job, purchased my home, cars, etc. I have known I was an alcoholic for a long time. But I rationalized it by thinking I was a "functional" alcoholic. I didn't have to drink Monday through Friday, most weeks anyway. But Friday afternoon at 4:30 I could crack the bottle and begin my bender. It started with a small/medium bottle or 12 pack on Friday so I would not have a bad hangover Saturday. That way I could do the yard work, etc. Saturday night was the big bottle or 2 cases night. I needed to get so drunk that I had a horrible hangover Sunday. That way I wouldn't "want" to drink and I would be sober and ready for work on Monday. With few exceptions, this has been my pattern through most of my adult life. My wife knew I drank, and that I drank too much, when we married. Like a lot of women, she thought she could deal with it, or change me, because she loved me. For periods I would be fine and the alcohol was a distraction and not an abomination. Generally this was when I was involved in outside areas such as coaching, social clubs, or work-related activities. As the children grew up and there was less need for my services as a coach, and less need for me to be involved in outside activities (except work related), I turned more and more to drinking beer in my man-cave and watching sports on t.v. Like a lot of, probably most, alcoholics I could be, and often was, a jerk when drinking. I was never physically abusive, but my words could cut to the bone they were so sharp. As any normal person does, my wife started getting and harboring a lot of resentments. This mainly manifested itself in her excusing herself from the situation and going to our room to read or watch t.v. and avoiding talking with me for fear of making me mad. As this went on our sexual encounters dwindled to the point of being a problem for me. While I understand the dynamics now, I didn't when I was consumed by alcohol. As her desire to have intimate relations dwindled, I became more resentful. I looked for things in her that were "the problem". Not until I was sober for a couple of months did I fully understand my part in causing it. Six months ago all my frustrations and resentments boiled over during a bender. I said exactly what I was thinking, explained exactly how I was feeling, and did in very hurtful, angry, terms. I meant every word of what I said and I said them with conviction. My regret is not that I spoke my mind, but that I did so while drunk and in a way as to leave no room for discussion, understanding, or resolution. During my rant, my 20 y/o son popped off and for the first time with a family member, I went into a rage and went after him physically. My wife told me that she hated me and I called her a *****, the only time in our marriage that it has ever gone THAT far. In my drunken stupidity, I decided it was time to leave. I packed a few things, threw them in my car and pulled out of the driveway. I made a couple of circles around the block, but I knew I should not be driving, and that I was dead wrong for what I had done. I went home. My son and I have since reconciled and each of us made amends for our part in the altercation. But, that was the final straw for my wife. She told me to choose "us" or the drinking. Understand that I totally, completely, utterly love this woman even through my self-centeredness and selfishness and anger over the perceived injustices. I chose us. I went to my first meeting that next day and I have been going ever since. Initially it was to save our marriage, but I realized early in my sobriety that I need to do it for myself. I can't get well for someone else and expect to maintain my wellness if they leave. I need to maintain my sobriety for myself to be better person over all. Suffice to say, 6 months sobriety has not made up for 12 years of living with an alcoholic. Honestly, it doesn't help that most of my fears and emotions never matured passed a teenager level. Now that I no longer drink them away, I am having to face them and learn to deal with them while going through a reconciliation. All it does it put more strain on the relationship. She still deals with everything wrong by shutting down, tuning out, and shutting me down. I feel like I am going loony because I have a need to talk and discuss issues, and I can't. I want to get everything out in the open, look at the problem, and fix it. She is just not there yet, and I am not so sure she ever will be. I am grateful though. She attended an Al-Anon meeting for the first time. I have been trying to get her to go, but she was not willing. She finally went because her alcoholic stepmother persuaded her to go. Just one more resentment for me because she would not do it for us, because I was the one suggesting it. I don't know where I am going with this. Mainly just venting and trying to figure out what I can do to save the marriage knowing full well we are both at a point where we could just throw our hands up and walk away. I am remorseful for my actions, but I don't know how to save my marriage. I will try write more later.

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