| I'm 18 and sick of living. I used to be really popular from the ages of like 7-13. Then at around 13/14 I retreated into my shell and became introverted. I stopped going out and leaving my house, preferring instead to stay in my room watching films and listening to music. This coincided with me being pretty severely depressed and for the last 5 years my general mood has ranged from on the verge of committing suicide to feeling average. I rarely feel "happy" or positive about anything...and when I do it's incredibly fleeting (few hours at the most and then it washes off and I'm back to feeling depressed). It's affected all areas of my life...from locking myself away from people to my education. Not to sound conceited but I know I'm intelligent and I always did well in school even though I've always had a terrible work ethic. Despite knowing and being told I have potential...I've messed up most of my exams due to general apathy towards anything in life. While everyone I know was revising or freaking out over exams...I never cared about them at all. I just can't shake off the whole "what's the point" attitutde. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyway right now I'm about to start a gap year. The friends I had have all gone as they got sick of me pretty much ignoring them. I've been incredibly lonely with no friends for about 2 years...and I can only see it getting worse as everyone I know goes off the uni. I have no idea where to meet people, and I'm not even sure I want to...but at the same time this extreme loneliness is insufferable. To try and cope with the depression/loneliness I've turned to drugs and I smoke weed daily. Obviously it helps a lot in the short-term...but in the long-term it's having no effect on my mood. When I'm sober I'm still as depressed as I ever was. And I can feel it affecting me negatively...my memory used to be great and now it's gone to ****. Just thinking about my future leaves me cold. Right now I can see myself going 2 routes: 1. Going to uni, getting a regular 9-5 job. Unfortunately this is completely unappealing to me. The thought of working a stressful job in an office for a boss for the whole of my life leaves me feeling even more depressed than usual lol 2. Getting heavier into drugs and just shutting off from society. The negative here would be seeing the disappointment in my parents faces..not sure I'd be able to live with that. So I'm stuck. Ideally I'd like to make a living doing music (it's what keeps me sane right now) but I know how incredibly difficult that is. Plus the music I make is not marketable major label stuff. It's unlikely I'd ever be able to develop a professional career out of it. Sorry for the long post. Would appreciate any advice because right now i'm just sick of feeling the same ****ty way I have been feeling for the last half decade. | |||
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
Need serious help
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