need another viewpoint

hi this is my first post and if I put this is the wrong place then I'm sorry as I'm not sure where to start:confused: Im 22 and my husband is 30 we have been together a number of years and when my mother became ill we decided to push up our wedding plans so she could attend but sadly 3 weeks before the wedding I lost her. We went through with the wedding as my father, sister and I needed some happiness and my mother would not have wanted me to cancel it all. So here I am, in the third month of my marriage. Already in trouble. My partner is a flirty type of person and before our marriage we sat down and had a conversation about what would be too far in terms of flirting as people have different views. He said his 'too far' was touching or kissing on the lips whereas mine was talking about anything sexual as I feel that it is a private thing between the two of us and if he talks about having sex with someone else when he is with me then it is disrespectful to me. So we had laid our boundaries for each other and made it clear what would upset us. A few days ago I was playing a game on my husbands phone and a message flagged up from a social networking site from his ex (they are friends, and I have no issue with it) so I got off the game brought up the message and handed it to him without reading it. He read it and then asked if I wanted it back and when I said yes he looked to be deleting something off his phone. So I asked him what he was doing as it looked suspicious (he had told me previously he is terrible at deleting messages and will keep them for years even if there is nothing of note) so I wanted to know why. He told me to check his messages. I thought about it for an hour before I couldn't take it anymore. I looked at one conversation. With one particular woman. It crossed the line for what I was comfortable with. He was making sexual comments (not explicit but still way beyond what we had agreed between ourselves) he also told her he missed her and he loved her (he has a lot of female friends and tells them he loves them quite often but the way he worded it cut me deeply) He tried to say that it was probably before we were together but the date was right there. It was a few days after our wedding. He also talked to her about me, about the fact i was irritating him (just general stuff nothing that would have upset me normally but given the circumstances it did this time) and he also mentioned my mother not in any bad way at all but he was flirting at the same time. Now he cant say I wasn't in his mind because I was- it was right there in the message. But I don't know what to do. I can't talk about this to any of my friends and family as I would like to be able to work it out with my husband as I do love him and if I told my loved ones how much it hurt then they would more than likely dislike him from that moment on. The woman in question is in another country. She is also married but flirted back. My husband has said he likes bigger women and I have lost 3st since we met and th is woman was about 3 times my size (so more his type) He said it was to boost his confidence- but I've told him before if he ever felt low to tell me as I would build him up. Then he said it was because she used to live not to far away and it was the 'what if' scenario. He offered to delete this woman from his contacts and delete the social networking site but I told him no as I want to trust him. Is it cheating? How can I work through this? Am I being too sensitive as I'm still grieving from loosing my mother? He also went to see a female friend of his when he visited his family (they live 5 hours away) and didn't tell me about it at all. He said it was because I would moan at him for doing a long drive and not resting properly first. It may not seem like much but he would call and text telling me everything he was doing (I didn't ask him to) I was physically and emotionally abused by a male classmate when I was at school and it turned into sexual harassment. I told a teacher and was told boys will be boys so for a long time I couldn't trust men outside my family. He was the first man I trusted with everything I had. Does that play a part in any of this? I'm not looking for counseling or that level just some advise from other people as I don't know how to do this or where to start. Thank you for your time x

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