Close to a mental breakdown

I don't think that I can handle much more. I would have never thought my life would be here. I have posted before and I don't really feel like my stbxh is a WAH ... he didn't leave me for this other woman that he had a EA with. When I found out, I gave him a chance to tell me the truth on everything that happen and he lied so he moved in with a friend while we worked on our marriage. He tried to show me that he wanted to work on our family but he blamed me for the reason why he spent 8 months of his life with another woman. Everything in our marriage was my fault. We had been in counseling before I found out about the affair and we tried to continue counseling but he would never respond to it and would continue to blame me. Fast forward to June, this all happen in Nov. He moved into an apt and said he gave up on me and our marriage b/c I wouldn't forgive him. Along the way, he lied to me about several things and I took them all in and still tried to work on our marriage. I didn't make it easy for him. I set boundaries with him that we talked about in counseling and I stuck to them. I didn't allow him to blame me for everything and I held him accountable for his actions. I wanted him to tell me the truth with each lie that I found out and he never did. So, he gave up on me and now wants a divorce. I never thought this would happen and it has killed me. I could have forgiven him for the affair and moved on to make our marriage better but b/c he says I was stubborn and wouldn't forgive him in 5 months after 8 months of an affair, he gave up on me. THen I just found out this past week that he has had sexual encounters with other woman and of course he still denies it. He even denies having any relationship with this other woman and tells me that I have made it all up in my head and I have no proof. I have been working on my anger issues over all of this but I have so many issues that overwhelm me all day long. I feel useless, hopeless, unloved, ect. I have been through a lot in my life and I have always been viewed as such a strong independent person but I am breaking right now. I don't know how much more I can take. We have two small children and have been trying to decide on child support without going through lawyers. I have worked part-time since we had our daughter 5 years ago but I make really good money b/c of my bonuses but my bonuses aren't guaranteed so a lawyer I consulted said that they would take the last 5 years of my W2 and average them out. I have been working full-time or trying to since we split in Nov and that has meant working 6 days a week and missing time out with my kids. Which I don't mind at all b/c it is for my kids. I hope to go full-time at some point, but I don't know when that will be. So we are trying a mediator this week and I don't know how I am going to make it through it? I talked with him today and he again told me that I was making up this other woman. He told me that he would lie about his income b/c he manages at a restaurant and also makes cash tips b/c he bartends 4 days a week. He said he will say that the cash deposits are from something else. He tells me that if I go to a lawyer that I will regret it for the rest of my life b/c at some point, I will need him and he won't ever help me. He tells me that he just wants to be able to support our kids the same way that he does. I have tried to work with him through everything for this and come up with an agreement but all the amounts that I have told him, he fights with me about it. He won't give me the time needed to refinance the house, but I think that he will work with me on that b/c he knows since I work from home that I will move about 50 miles from here to where my family is if I sell the house. It is just all falling down on me and I am trying to stay standing but I am so tired of it all. I am tired of feeling like I am failing at everything. I feel like I have lost everyone that I love and trusted b/c he was my family and his family was my family. I lost my mom when I was 16 and then my dad just basically ended our relationship b/c he tried to make sexual advances on me. As I am typing this all I am just dumbfounded. I know I have to be positive and strong for my kids but I don't know how much longer I can fake it until I make it. I have great friends but you know how they sort of drift away when they don't know how to help you and this has been going on for so long in their eyes and I should be over it by now. I have the stress of a possible lawyer with money that I don't have. I have him threatening that he will make it so difficult for me if we go to a lawyer. I have stress about going through this mediator session on Friday. I am just to my breaking point and I don't know where to go except for here b/c you guys get when you get to this point. I still go to counseling but I don't feel like it helps much anymore b/c it is the same thing over and over. He knows my stbxh and he knows that he is a manipulator so we just talk about what could come next and how I can deal with it but I always let my anger get the best of me and then my stbxh tells me that I need to let go of this anger. He doesn't want to pay me what the state recommends for child support and that isn't accounting for what he makes in cash tips -- just what he makes on paper. If I could do this without his help, I would but I can't ... at least not yet. I don't know what to do .. help me please.

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