Stuck in rut... Now what?

I now realize that "the fake thrills of pornography and masturbation" fills approax. 70-90% of my 16 year marriage, and has no appaerance of changing.

My marriage goes through ruts in sex. Sometimes it is 2-3 times a month, but sometimes only once...
I am in one of the dry speels.

I hate coming here for the "HIGH" verus "LOW" sex drive debate. It seems that for me, I gain no real sense of hope. I guess when I married young, I did not think about it. I expected sex and romance would get better.

I'm just frustrated.
Yes, I seem to have a higher sex drive than my wife.
Yes, it could be medical. We both have our own health issues.
Her complaint about me is going hot/cold emotionally... I admitt I can do that. I have been working on the whole mirror issues. She has noticed in last 5-10 years a much bigger and better improvement (in my attitude about not pressuring her about sex). She does not work on herself at all. Her health over all mentally, physically, and sexually health seems to do the opposite as mine!?!?

I'm just frustrated.
Anybody think I'm going to be able to make my marriage last once kids are gone?
I'm just frustrated.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Stupid Reason for Breaking Up?

I am one year out of a divorce (very very short marriage) from a sex addict. As soon as I found out, I left him. We were officially divorced in March 2013. I'm over it and don't feel any long term effects from my cheating ex-husband.

Since that time, I started dating someone whom I thought had great potential: good job, treated me well, solid background/family, etc. We actually grew up together. We are both in our late 30s and his longest relationship before me was 5 months... when he was 20 (red flag). My longest relationship was 4 years. I've had to "coach" him on how to be in a long term relationship. Things were going great until January 2014 when he changed jobs. In March 2014, I not only changed my job, I changed my entire career. Big change. We started fighting a lot from Jan-March. Seems natural, given the big changes in both of our lives.

Here's the reason why we just broke up (we made it 6 months).. I know this sounds dumb, but its apparently a big problem: My entire family is doctors. Everyone. Parents, siblings, uncles, their spouses, etc. I am also a professional, but not a doctor. My bf (now ex-bf) believes heavily in naturopaths, which reject the entire idea of modern medicine. I cannot control him going to a naturopath, but I can control my future children from going. I don't believe it naturopaths. He does. Apparently, he's been going every other month since 2007 and he wants his children (from infancy) to see one each month. His naturo is $500/hour. I cannot allow my kids to see someone who outright rejects western medicine. My family would think I'm crazy.

I told him he can go all he wants (I can't control him) but i am not comfortable with my future kids going when they're young (and I won't force it on them). He wants to take them from infancy. A pediatrician is OK too but he wants to supplement it with a naturopath. I know it seems dumb, but its a big problem for us and we're so damaged now, I think its impossible to get back together. He said his nature does chiro, acupuncture, diet advice, and she has these metal sticks that tell you if your internal organs are functioning properly (WTF?!?!). It seems like voo doo to me. My suggested compromise was: take them to a chiro, acupuncturist, a dietician, etc... anything but a naturopath. He said no. Essentially he won't compromise.

Is this dumb? To break up over a naturopath for kids we don't have?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Posting

It says my post was successful, but I don't see it in the forum. Coping with Infi..

Help?

Joey

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Updates

.Hi. It has been almost a few months since I've last used TAM. I wanted to check in. This is my original story

http://ift.tt/1nPzBmP

I am using a different username, for some reason I can't login to the last.

It has been about two years (difficulty keeping track of the dates now) since I found out.

For the most part, we are back on track. I feel empowered knowing that I'm not ignorant or naive. I am totally observant and aware of my surroundings. I don't feel like I have to spy/monitor/tap. I don't. But I continue to keep my ear to the ground for the warning signs. If this ever happens again, I'll be aware.

Is it odd that I don't feel like I'll hurt so profoundly *if* there were a next time?

I take a step back and see that my Wife loves me, I feel that respect, and for all her flaws, she has taken responsibility. I have all my questions answered. I am feeling like we fixed this together. Marriage was broken from both of us.

I'm happy. If I step back and take a personal inventory, I think I have a better understanding of who she is and what she was thinking. She understands where I stand on these things. I don't believe that there will be a relapse, but I understand the risk. It is worth taking if my wife is loving me like I feel she is now, I have my daughter, there is no step father for her, and I'm not in a financial strain secondary to divorce.

I feel more confident outside the marriage too... incidentally. I don't really let other people take advantage, disrespect me. If McDonalds makes my sandwich wrong, I would have drove away and consumed it. Now... I take it back. For an example of things.

Joey

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

anal sex help

My husband and I have been trying to have anal sex but it hurts so badly when he tries to penetrate me. He can put his fingers in two of them fit fine with no pain, we took it slowly but every time it hurts. we use plenty of lube. so I guess I have a few questions. Am I ever going to be able to have anal?
If so any advice?
Will it be worth it? for me?
thanks

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Breaking out of self-defeating alpha/beta insanity

I've been an TAM for almost a year now and when I first joined last year I was firmly stuck in a very destructive alpha/beta dichotomy in which I had assigned myself "beta" status and convinced myself that I was forever doomed to get the short end of the stick in relationships. I can't pin down where this thinking came from. Maybe I was a late bloomer or maybe I was just too ignorant about women to be successful with them. But I was in a terrible place a year ago and said embarrassing things.

What I've learned from other posters is this:
1. Stop thinking about other people's sex lives and what they are doing and what you are not doing. The biggest gigolo in the world will only have sex with a tiny fraction of the world's women. There is competition for individual partners that we want, but no man "gets all the women."
2. I realized that I had things in my past that are just as embarrassing as any woman might have. I was obsessed with not getting "screwed over" by a woman because I thought that this was my inevitable fate. But I would turn red if my current GF knew what my thoughts were like a year ago.
3. You need to set standards for yourself in your relationships. What any woman has done with anyone before me is irrelevant. I expect a certain level of behavior from myself towards my partner and want this returned. This standard is individual to everyone and what matters is that you follow it.

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be into a five month relationship with a single mom whose daughter's father disappeared as soon as she was born I would have said you're crazy.

But I didn't know that she would be by far the best partner I've ever had. That she would be so sexually aggressive towards me. That she would see eye to eye with me on money and good books and a million other things. The best relationship is one where both partners are equally afraid of losing the other because they are so glad they found them.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
Soren Kierkegaard

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Feeling stuck and trap in my marriage

I would have thought by now I would move my story/thread to 'going through divorce' or 'happily ever after'. Now here I am still. At least I didn't pop some sleeping pills and call it a life.

Here's the thread I posted before, about my struggle with my non-working alcoholic husband.
Cannot kick non-working husband out

He finally got a temp job, after yet a second fight he finally 'stick' to his job and even told me he hope they will hire him full time.

Anyways, yesterday a conversation has hit me hard. He was telling me about one of his co-workers and how much of a loser he is, that he asked everyone at work 'do you have 5 bucks? do you have a smoke?', etc. He said he had the nerve to ask his supervisor 'can I borrow 5000 dollars'? While I was listening to him I got angry inside. I didn't show, but I have had enough of him telling me what other people are wrong, loser and all...
I told him, 'I hate when you as me 'do you have 10 bucks? I need smokes'. 'do you have 5 bucks? I need to get bus ticket', why can't you pay for your own ****? I just realized I have never ask people just like that! I realized my brother would do the same when I was young, he would say 'do you have X dollars' and at the same time he would be reaching out to my wallet. I told him, why do men can even ask anyone do you have X amount of money without so naturally and expect it? WTF? (I didn't say WTF out loud, just thinking). I told him every time he ask me that I hated it sooo much. I didn't blow up, he didn't react much to it, we just went silence.

Over the last few months since the last major episode in Dec 26, I have been trying to assess my feelings, my life, my goals, my future and stuff. Especially my feelings about my husband and the whole situation. I realized we are very different people. We have very different values, different goals, different friends, nothing seems common. He never go place and events with me, constantly saying things about how stuck up these people are. My feelings has change. But a marriage is a marriage, he doesn't want to break up. He is trying to keep a job. He doesn't throw tantrum when ask to get his drivers license. He still give me guilt trip of not coming home earlier because of business meetings, he wants me to pick him up at this work, give him a ride here and there still.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Am I selfish...?

I will try to to give a background. DH has had periods of delayed ejaculation issues in our 17 year marriage that has created months of no sex. This is usually the routine that begins a no sex period. We will try to bring sex back into our marriage and it will start out great. He will be an attentive lover making sure my needs are taken care of. On his end, it can take up to 45 minutes and honestly I do reach a point of "lets just get this over with" because my desire has already gone after that length of time. So we will fall in a pattern that I go first and him second. Then he will decide for us that it isn't fair I go first and will start providing very little foreplay for me so we can get to him quickly or insist I hurry and get my own self off or insist he goes first. I will either end up with no desire to reach my goal because either my libido has dried up or he kind of acts like he is obligated but with no passion or no return at all. If he didn't reach his goal, then it is sort of a pat on the head and we tried and let's go to sleep and I am just dropped.

I know I am somewhat selfish on wanting to be first and I understand how frustrating it must be to deal with ED. I will admit I don't give a lot of foreplay to him down there in the beginning when we first get into bed. It either causes him to rush things or desensitizes. I also tell myself that is ok to not be goal oriented for myself and let him have all the fun once in awhile. But honestly, after it happens the first few times I start to lose interest in sex and it becomes boring and then we go on one of our no sex periods that usually last for months until the pattern repeats.

He has made comments recently that I am being kind of self centered about seeing to my needs first and I have been giving in so I know we are in our downward spiral. I have talked to him about bringing in a new position or location or toys or anything to reverse it. He agrees with a smile that he would like that but won't follow through. I bought new lingerie and tried little subtle peep shows and flirting but not getting much back. The other day he asked if the new very sexy bra I bought was a suggestion because he has a couple stitches in his hand and can't do anything and I just told him it wasn't for him. I was frustrated.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Do you wear your wedding ring?

Do you wear a wedding ring? How does your spouse feel about your decision?

My husband and I both wear ours. I would like to wear my wedding band alone, but my husband has asked that I wear my ring set. His reasoning is that he spent too much money on my rings for them to just sit in a box. I think my husband also wants other men to see that I am married.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Men's Advice - behavior when cheating.

Hi there. New to the forum as a member but have been reading posts on here for quite some time just now getting the nerve to air out my own issues - and yes I have a few! :o

My very first relationship experience when I was a teen was quite traumatic for me. I was very naive and gave the man I was with my heart, soul, guts....all of it. In my eyes, even though I spent a lot of time crying, he loved me. Anyway, without getting into too many gory details, one day I found out he had been cheating on me and while that was traumatic enough for me it was when I discovered it that still lingers with me to this day, in my present relationship. While we had many ups and downs, it was when things were the most "perfect" (in my eyes) that I found out he had been cheating. He was more attentive to me, came to see me more, was more loving.....so the blow felt extra hard.

To this day this (about 20 years later) has stuck with me. In my relationships after, whenever the person I was with became to "attentive", instead of enjoying it, it made me feel suspicious. I feel like that with my husband now and I know it is something I need to work on because it is tiring and draining and I really want to be able to trust and enjoy the good times.

I am wondering if any of the men in this forum have experience with this and if not just some opinions on this. I guess I am just curious to know if the majority of men would pull away from their significant other, or actually move closer to her while cheating? I know this all must sound pretty immature but I realize issues not dealt with properly in the past have a way of rearing their ugly heads later in life. I know many would have just let that kind of experience go but I was always very sensitive and internalized hurtful events a bit too much. Life since then has given me more of a backbone but this still seems to be a thorn in my side.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

I don't understand

So here's the story...

About 2 months ago, I started spending time with a coworker (she had just recently joined our staff) whom I've known for about 2 yrs. We would go to breakfast, dinners, movies, bowling, etc. We started and ended each day texting or talking on the phone. During that time she started spending the night 2 or 3 times a week but we didn't have sex until week 2.

Then all of a sudden she became distant. She didn't return texts and calls, etc. I sensed she might have starfed entertaining someone else and later found out it was true. Prior to knowing what my gut had already told me, we had dinner one night after work and I asked that we define our relationship. Her response was coworkers who hang out together. Since I'd developed feelings for her, given the amount of time we'd spent together, I wanted more but she didn't (she was already entertaining someone else). She said she wanted to befriends. I told her I wanted more but since she didn't, I would no longer be hanging out with her anymore. I told her I woould keep my distance at work and would no longer contact her.

Since that conversation, she has made attempt after attempt to have small talk with me at work but I would do all I could to keep my distance, especially since I had feelings for her AND she had been quite chatty to others about her NEW love.

Today, after yet another attempt to converse with me, I told her that she should've gotten the hint by now. I haven't responded to her attempts and I didn't plan on it. She got testy saying that she didn't care if I wasn't talking to her because she wasn't doing it for me. She told me I was being selfish and childish and that those were the reasons she wouldn't take our relationship to the next level.

Did I miss something? She basically pushed me aside for someone else and now is bothered because I refuse to talk to her. That doesn't make sense or does it?
Posted via Mobile Device

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Any Men who DON'T have "Touch" as their Primary Love Language?

I hadn't heard about "love languages" until coming to this site and I think they are a great way of helping couples understand each other better. From the posts I've read it seems that all men have "touch" as their primary love language and that touch is less often the primary for women.

Do any of the men here have a primary love language other than 'Touch'? If so, what is it? Thanks so much!

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

My husband laughs at me when I try to seduce him?

My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and together for almost three. When we first got together the sex was amazing, passionate, and frequent. Almost daily, and then some. We both had a child that we brought to the relationship, and then we decided to get pregnant. Then, almost five months into the pregnancy, the sex started slowing down. Not drastically, just to maybe five nights instead of seven. Then when it went from four to three I brought it up to him. He said it was because he was afraid of hurting the baby. I thought that was a bs answer, because he is one of the more sexually educated men I know. But I let it go.

Fast forward to after our son gets here. Sex is now two nights a week or less. The excuse now? His back hurts. Suddenly, because of the same job he'd had the entire course of our relationship. For a while at this point it had been messing with my self confidence and had me questioning the whole situation. He said he loved me and was attracted to me and wanted me but couldn't physically have sex.

We married shortly after our son was born. That was in June of 2012. In January of 2013 his mother passed. As bad as I'm about to sound when I say this, that became his crutch. I understand that his loss was unimaginable and seeing as I've never suffered such a loss there was no way to know what he was dealing with. So I did what I could and tried to be understanding and be there for him. Months passed, and the sex morphed into near non existence. Once a week, then once every two weeks, and its now currently at once a month, and that's iffy. But as the months went on it started turning into him not being willing to help with the house, or the kids, and he started avoiding us and stayed until night at work. He would randomly blow up at me and just take what should have been a normal argument for a married couple and went to the extreme, screaming and swearing at me and calling me by his ex wives names and threatening divorce over small things. His constant argume nt was that I make him feel unappreciated, because he works and I'm m a SAHM. Never mind the spotless house and home made dinners and taking care of the kids and doing my best to make sure he didn't have to lift a finger. But then other times he brags to his friends about how good I take care of him and how special I make him feel. It's such a cluster and so up and down I never know what's going to happen from day to day.

Nowadays, I've went from feeling shame for asking for sex an being denied, to attempting to seduce him and being totally blown off. He likes to pretend he doesn't notice my advances. Currently, I'll try to flirt with him and be sexy, and he laughs at me like I'm a silly child or something. I just don't know. All I know is being laughed at for trying to be sexy when I lack self confidence anyway just breaks my heart that much more. I've never had thoughts about other men, although sometimes I'd like to, just so I would feel something besides loneliness. I don't think I'd have it in me to be unfaithful, because even after all this, I still love him and want this to work. I just don't know how much more I can take without completely losing my mind, or else losing all interest in my marriage.

I literally have nobody to talk to about this, and after reading some threads on here and seeing similar issues I felt encouraged to register on here and ask for advice and friendship. Can someone please shed some light on this situation for me and maybe offer some advice? And please feel free to be critical. If I'm doing something wrong that needs changing please voice your opinion.

Thanks.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Anyone have a clue how this happened?

Today, I checked the "sent" folder on my husband's email on our Ipad. There were 2 emails sent to a website that was basically about how to get a woman, how to talk to them, how to manipulate them. He rarely uses the Ipad, the two emails say they were sent from the Ipad at times I KNOW he couldn't have sent them, one was when I know he was asleep and the other was sent when I know he was at work. I stay up late, he gets up at 4am to go to work so he goes to bed early, the first email was sent at 11:45pm on Wed of this week, I remember that night, he was not awake at that time. I am here taking care of the ranch all day, I KNOW on the date and time the 2nd email says it was sent that he was positively at work. Also, the emails weren't written like he would write, everything used perfect grammar, caps were perfect. No way he typed anything on the Ipad that was that perfect. Time is correct on the Ipad so email times should be correct. Also, no histo ry on the Ipad had this site on it and you can't selectively delete sites, you have to delete the entire history and it wasn't deleted. Both emails said EXACTLY the same thing, asked for a link to a video.

I know he didn't send these but even so, it was a HUGE trigger for me. So odd that it was to a website like that, during this time.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

My Husband Doesn't Do Anything With Me

I am running my first 5K tomorrow and I am very excited! I just had a baby. She is 6 months old now. I love her so much and was hoping that both her and my husband would be there at the finish line when its over.
My husband refuses to go. He is a Type 1 diabetic and says that walking around downtown will stress him out about his sugar levels. However, he goes to Disneyland all the time and he doesn't even have to do that much walking tomorrow! Maybe just a walk from parking to the finish line. I know he can control his sugar enough to do that.
I am just really sad that he won't be there to support me and he is mad at me for being upset about it. I don't know what to do :/ Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979