Addictions

I was married to a great man for 5 years then to an addict for the next 3 years!! I knew he had a drinking problem before he met me and it was years before he would even a glass of wine with me. He cheated on me a few years ago and the addictions just keep on coming!! He is a sex addict, porn addict, but worst of all is I think he is a compulsive liar. He was going to bars several months ago and he told me he had "slipped". He told me he went to a bar to drink twice. When the whole truth finally came out, he was stopping by the bar on his way home from work then going back later, usually after 10 pm. He met some people there once and went to their house to play cards until 2 am. He had to be at work at 6am so he was late, still drunk and putting his CDL in jeopardy by driving. we went thru a really rough patch after that but he started back working on his 12 steps and was going to counseling.But then his job moved again so he was too far away from both. H is counselor said they could Skype sessions but he just kept putting it off. I finally could not take the nagging doubts about our past so I had him take a polygraph test. It was very stressful on both of us and pretty expensive but he agreed to it. And he passed with flying colors!! But after all that...I caught him in another lie. And it's such a shame that it was such a small lie. He told me he had 2 drinks but the next day he told me it was 3. Now I am back to doubting everything he says or has ever said. He seemed to think that once I "cooled off" everything would go back to normal. My birthday was since the last lie and he was so sweet...threw me a surprise party, sent flowers, mailed cards and drove home(2 1/2 hours) to take me out to lunch. I know he thinks that should make up for the lie but he is so wrong. He has lied to me so many times!! He will look me straight in the eye and swear he is telling me the truth just for the real truth to come out later. But it seem s when he is working to cover up a lie, his porn and sex addiction isn't so bad. Does anybody else deal with somebody with different addictions?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

What a Difference a Year Can Make!

This is only my second post to TAM as it's been almost an entire year since I posted last. I was ready to leave and walk away from my marriage. I'm thankful to say a lot has changed since that day. I think after my post here I just fell apart from frustration and disgust from the whole situation.

I don't remember everything exactly but after my mini break down my husband really began to make an effort between us. We finally started talking (not as much as I'd like but it was a start and a step up from nothing). We even started having sex a couple of times a month (still not ideal but again better than nothing).

Maybe it was the fact that 20 years was approaching or what but we both began to think and look at our relationship differently. I think be both saw that if we'd fought this hard to stay together for this long our marriage was worth saving.

I'm just thankful that we held on to our promise that if one of us was willing to work at it then the other one has to go along for the ride. I can say that we have worked our way back to some normalcy by making more time for sex, dates and communication.

I do know that we still have at least two elephants left in the room to conquer (my weight and his demons from childhood abuse) to go but I'm hopeful that as we weather these storms things will improve even more between us.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Anyone going thru divorce impatient to date?

If you know anything about my story it's been a very long drawn out thing starting 5 years ago and it's been almost a year since I filed. I've chatted it up with a few women and have had opportunities to ask them to dinner or whatever but I'm still married AND living at home, so I don't. But it's really frustrating because my marriage is way long over and I really miss the companionship. My stbx and I don't speak, don't sleep in the same bed, don't do anything. And there's some really nice ladies out there.

So is it taboo to go out on a date in my situation? Oh yeah, and my lawyer died 3 weeks ago so yet another delay to the final end. And it's a really simple divorce case.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Why does it have to be so HARD

:( We hate each other. That's what it's come down to. We can't have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument. So much resentment between us. I constantly feel like he is blaming me or accusing me of something and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. Yet my husband does not want to separate or get a divorce!! He always promises to change and promises to try hard which only last for a few days before he hates me again. I honestly think that it isn't that he is happy with me.. It's just that he doesn't want anyone else to be happy with me. We both are great people. We just honestly probably should've never gotten married to begin with. We have very little in common which worked at first but didn't keep us going long. Since then it's just been a matter of empty efforts and trying to change so much for the other person that we have forgotten who we truly are. Now nearly 12 years together and almost 6 married; we have 2 children (one is mine that he helped raised from a young age), 2 dogs, a house, and BILLS!! The scary thing for me is being able to maintain our lower middle class lifestyle for our kids. I'm not greedy.. I don't need to have everything.. but it scares me to think if I make him leave that I won't even be able to afford the necessities anymore, let alone the little extra that we do buy! But staying married just for financial convenience seems like a horrible thing to do. I don't even know how to explain my marriage or tell our stories because for so long, I've just been trying ignore everything that's been going on and just get through the days with the least amount of stress. I'm so far from happy that I can't even remember if I was ever happy in my marriage. I look at pictures from the past and I think they were happy times?!? I'm not sure how this is all reflecting on our kids. I try to focus all my positive energy into them.. supporting them, sharing with them, and laughing with them. I'm sure I'm only adding to the issue when I do this, but I don't feel close to my husband anymore. I don't feel like he is my friend. We don't laugh together.. we don't have any conversations that don't involve money, bills, the house, or the kids. He's such a debby downer these days. All he cares about is money and bills.

Like two weeks ago we got into a pretty heated argument where we admitted how unhappy we were and how much we resented each other. I told him that I think we have too much water under the bridge to repair the damage.. that I think it's time to separate. He kind of agreed but then changed his mind. I took off my ring to make meatloaf for dinner and just didn't feel like putting it back on. I told him, it was my way of saying; I am DONE with this marriage the way it is.. and the only way I was putting my ring back on was if I felt happy and in love again and that there was no quick fixes anymore.. that we need to walk away or totally rebuild. He did what he always does.. acts different for a few days and begs for forgiveness. Well I'm still not wearing my ring and I don't feel any closer to putting it on. 

How do I do this??

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Reconciliation?

Is anyone aware of what happened to the 'Reconciliation' thread or am I just overlooking something?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Paragraphs..I know..ugh..

This group is soo awesome!! I'm just asking one teeny weeny favor from all of you..

When you post..is there any way that you could hit enter now and then to break up your posts as it's really hard to read one long unending post.

Sorry for the inconvenience as I know sometimes the website acts up...either that or many of you are used to posting on websites that hitting enter doesn't create a new paragraph..but a brand new post..

Sorry to be soo fussy but I really would like to enjoy ALL posts.

Thanks a bunch!!:smthumbup:

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

did counseling end your marriage?

I'm just full of questions. About to start marriage counseling in a few days, sort of a "last resort" at this point. Theres kind of been this idea that marriage counseling is not only the last resort, but is a surefire way to mend things. I mean... that's why you go, to help someone facilitate communication and give you tools to repair your marriage, right? It's beginning to occur to me that possibly it could do just the opposite, it could drive either one of us or even both of us away from this marriage... I am afraid of that.

Has this happened to anyone in their previous marriages, where marriage counseling actually drove you to end your marriage? If so, why? Was it because your spouse (or even you) stopped participating fully, was it because there was an epiphany moment? Did just one of you learn from counseling that you wanted out, or both of you? Did your spouse feel that counseling made him/her want out but YOU did NOT? Looking for stories. I'm trying to prepare myself for this possibility.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Arts n' Crafts...What's yours?

I love building model Planes and Ships!

Titanic and Lusitania!

Attached Thumbnails

   

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

What's important in our country.

MSNBC interrupts Congresswoman for report on Justin Bieber - YouTube

Is this what is important in our country?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

I don't wanna cheat

Hi, I registered just now because i need advice, sometimes a stranger can give the best advice. I'm 28 and I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, we had a normal relationship with its high and its lows and we still care for each other deeply...Lately I've been spending lots of time with a friend of mine and I think I'm falling for her....I don't know how to handle this because i do care about my girlfriend but i think i'm no longer in love with her...our relationship wore out because of multiple pressures from everyday's life, our university studies are not going so well and her family never accepted me, actually her family is kind of insane....moreover we never really shared the same interests...she is very calm and like simple things, I'm quite the opposite hyperactive and i have a need for travelling which really doesn't suit her because she's very bound to the peace and quiet of her own home. With this other girl I can speak about anything, we shar e the same interest and the same sense of humor.....the difficult part is that my girlfrient became kind of dependent on me, she keeps on saying stuff like"never leave me, i've got you only" probably because she can see we are growing apart...she had to have some very serious rows with her family in the past years when her father found out we were togheter and she basically barely speaks to them now so I'm feeling really stuck in this situation in wich leaving her would mean pushing her over the edge....I've decided long ago, as soon as I was able to think for myself, that cheating is never acceptable and I strongly don't want to fall into this trick...but this is getting really frustrating since I keep on dreaming of having a different life but never find the way to make a turn... what is your advice?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Just Divorced

So... just signed divorced papers today.

Married 11 years, 2 boys aged 8 and 10. Separated since June/13.

Been lurking around for a while, but never came round to starting a thread before.

Retrospectively I might had a chance of dealing with my XW's EA properly if I had found this site before.

Anyway, just needed a place to vent / update while I'm moving forward.

Realized that I have to let go of all the what if's and eventually forgive her, so I can also forgive myself for my part in the demise of the M.

Read so many similar stories, about WAW's and dealing with the loss and grief, which actually helped me a lot, and the advice given by TAM'ers like MR C, Synthetic and so many others.

Thank you for helping me on my journey.

Feeling quite good today actually, and rather looking forward to my new life.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

How would you handle this

So to make a long story as short as possible. My wife had a PA/EA with a guy from another country. I found out about 2 years ago. She tried to be a cake eater but eventually came around as I did the 180 and got her family involved. Any way since it was mostly an EA because of the distance, pics were sent between the 2.

Anyway to get to the point. We are trying to reconcile but the OM seems to relish in posting the pics of the two of them on his social media accounts. Now I've tried to ignore them and not go to the site to see, but it's one of the few ways I was able to glean if contact was still going on. There were a couple of times early on I was able to tell she was posting under a fake account. Anyway the question is how would you deal with this? Seems like a no win. It pisses me off yet I'm compelled to keep returning. I can't really blame her anymore since she really has no control over whether or not he deletes them or puts them back up. She certainly has been chided many times over the fact she sent him pictures. Any advice on how to deal?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Dealing with the silent treatment

Has anyone been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from their spouse? My husband and I are currently separated and living in separate places. We have discussed reconciling here and there, however, no real effort has been made on his part. I want to reconcile very much.

My husband's favorite form of "abuse" in our marriage was the silent treatment. A way to make me feel unimportant and completely absent from his thoughts. I always knew it was a controlling tactic and I would try my best to remember that it was not my fault. It was a very immature way for him to deal with any "issue" in our marriage.

We remain in contact through text messages and have seen each other on occasion for lunch or dinner throughout our 3/4 months not living together.

I had plans this past weekend to go out with a bunch of friends from Friday through Monday out of town, which he knew about. I guess I really wasn't surprised that despite my attempts to be in contact with him over the weekend, to say "Hello" via text etc., that he completely went silent from Thursday evening to Monday night. Then claimed he was "studying" all weekend, hence why he never responded to me. Deep down, I know that this was his form of punishment as I was going out and having a great time and not sitting at home, crying over him.

Although I am smart enough to realize this game, it still hurts so much that he chooses to do this to me especially when communication is SO important. I would really appreciate any input or advice from members on TAM which have a spouse who chooses the silent treatment :( I would love some words of support and encouragement.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

I wish

I wish______________________________

Now you fill in the blank, I'll start of course

I wish I could hook up my computer to her brain and download the real reason she cheated on me, or even better
I wish I could shove a usb cable up her a$$ to help me decipher all the sh1t that came out of her mouth on those ddays.

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979

Money: His & Hers?

In your marriage, do you each have your own money, or is it all "Ours".

Either way, how do you work out differences when it comes to dealing with money?

Put the internet to work for you.

via Personal Recipe 2629979