| Hi,
I cannot believe i am writing on here...as i guess no one can when they first do...but i am heartbroken and have very little support.
I will start at the beginning and try to put in the most important aspects of our relationship.
I met my husband in 2000, he was/is seriously the sweetest, nicest guy. He was so romantic, kind, thoughtful, good natured and even tempered.
We married in 2003, he was an awesome husband, i would come home from work, he would put out a foot bath for me, he would rub my back, cuddle etc There was no doubt in my mind he loved me.
we decided to start trying for kids in 2007. It was hard, it took 13 months and sex became prescriptive. we were so excited to finally get pregnant, and my pregnancy and the birth of our son was the happiest time of our lives.
After he was born, we thought we would straight away start trying again, knowing how i didnt get pregnant easily. Little did we know that it would take three years of fertility treatments,including IVF before i got pregnant again.
Throughout that time, my husband remained kind, patient, positive, willing to have sex despite it completely lacking spontaneity or excitement. I made it obvious that i didnt really want to do it. He always made love tenderly, with whispers that it would all be ok.
The day i found out i was pregnant again was so wonderful...well the first half was....
That afternoon i was on the computer and was trying to choose a picture for a profile. The computer automatically took me to a massive collection of porn. Nothing too scary but HUGE, HUGE amounts of galleries of women...until i started seeing pictures of some of my girlfriends.
I have never felt so distraught.
I sobbed, i had an anxiety attack. Who WAS this man? who was the man that EVERYONE loved, and said he was 'amazing' how lucky i was to have him. Even the fertility specialist would say how lucky i was.
He seemed genuinely remorseful, crying. saying that the three years of trying to conceive were incredibly hard on him also (he always acted to strong!) he said that he needed to imagine someone else, just to feel like a normal male. He said it was hard being 'ready ' for someone who was going through the motions. He said he loved me so much, and that the reason he never told me he was unsatisfied with our sex life was because "you were already so down, i did not want to tell you i did not enjoy sex with you, and i wanted to perform' he told me he had started taking viagra in that time, that he had performance anxiety and that sex with me was very very stressful.
He said he was sure he would stop and never do it again. How do you know?? i begged...
because we are pregnant now, because i can see how much ive hurt you, i would never EVER want to do that to you again.
PLEASE, he begged for another chance.
I gave it to him.
But i never really forgave or forgot.
We have spent the last year and a half, trying to rebuild trust. I am constantly checking his phone, his computer, his iPad. i never found anything but still could not shake the feeling that he could not be trusted.
In terms of his behaviour, he was loving, kind, thoughtful, considerate, he looks after my family, he is the most incredible father. He cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. He adores them (now 4 and 1) and they adore him. He is seriously the best father. He acts loving to me, he will cuddle me, kiss me, tell me every day he loves me. He makes me coffee every morning. If i ask him to do anything he will do it.
Except this one thing.
I asked him to tell me the truth. I asked to always be honest with me, i said, even if you go back to porn, fantasies etc, i NEED you to be honest so we can work on things.
Well, i basically have just found out, he is STILL watching porn. Still. Despite everything.
He just got sneakier at hiding it. He would download a browser, check out it out, and then delete the whole browser.
Someone like me who is not tech savvie would have no idea.
I tricked him into confessing by saying "ok i have found out your still looking at porn, are you going to be honest with me or what?"
anyway, he admits he went about 8 weeks - yep 8 WEEKS without porn thats it! the next year and half his habit continued. He tells me that he only looks at it every couple of days.
We went on a holiday to thailand last november (2012) - he was his usual wonderful self. He is very friendly, much like myself. I saw him talking to a girl there. He did not appear flirtatious, he never has appeared that way. She was about 19 (he is 43).
He confessed to me he masturbated about her. He also says he looked up her pic on Facebook (he is not meant to even have a fb account from the first time i caught him). He said he wanted to find her pic and masturbate from it. But because he couldnt find her, he masturbated over her memory. He says he would NEVER actually want to meet her, says he does not even know where she lives.
I told him he needed to come true with every other sin in our marriage. He tells me that during the time we were having fertility troubles he dabbled in a sex chat. Not live. He emailed two women, in their forties, they sent pics to him, he masturbated over them, and that was that. He says there were about 3 messages between them. He said he felt 'weirded out by it all' felt that it was 'too close to cheating' and stopped on his own. He promises he has not done it since.
My difficulty is, with all the lies from the past, i just DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.
He is willing to do anything, see a therapist, give me his iPad, phone etc...says he LOVES ME (does he???) that he does not want to lose his family.
We are a lovely little family. We are all kind and loving to each other. We have great friends, and a great life. I have NO IDEA what to do?
i told him 1.5 years ago, if i ever found out he did it again i would leave, i said if you feel tempted, then at least tell me and we can work through it, but dont you dare let me find out this is still happening.
Now i feel stupid for saying that, because i actually do NOT WANT him to leave. I love him! Life with him is actually pretty great! I would like more sex, but ultimately, a couple of times a week is not too bad.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
does this marriage stand a chance?
is he telling the truth?
do you think we can get through this or should i be leaving now?
I am so sad, so scared. I cant believe i am even thinking of ending this beautiful family.
But i just cant stand the idea of the man i love, explicitly fantasising about women he has and hasnt met. Even trying to contact them on fb so that he can look at their pics and pleasure himself. YUCK!
I am sorry this is so long, and that i am so hysterical, but i need advice, i havent eaten in 3 days, my jeans are falling off me, i am struggling to function, to parent my beautiful babies, i am crying all day long. |
