5 years ago my husband and I separated....... here we are, still separated. He lives with someone else, our assets have been divided, I own my own new home and have had a few serious relationships since then. I stumbled across my blog today, the most recent post written a long time ago and I am amazed at how my life has changed. Life does get better, reading where I was then and where I am now. The realization of the reality of my marriage and the resolve to make my own life has been a long journey..... but I survived, and not only survived but I thrive. I have become an incredibly strong, independent woman who will never have my heart be in that heartbreaking limbo ever again. Life does get better, and not only better but wonderful without your spouse. I'm posting the words in that blog so people can see what you can accomplish. We are our own greatest loves, I hope this brings people some clarity. I was there, in that horrible pain and now I'm here. Loving life and everything it has brought me.
"How is it possible to love someone so much it hurts? How is it possible to want to hang on to something with the tightest grasp, knowing you need to let it go? How is it possible to want someone who has so clearly found another and who no longer wants you in their life? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.
It has now been over 6 months since we've been separated. A month with no contact, aside from a facebook poke. I needed this past month to try and start healing. I found it easier to not expect a call, a text, a hug or even a smile. Not seeing him at all has been easier than seeing him knowing he'll never be mine again. Last night was the first time I've laid eyes on him in a month and that amounted to a wave, yet my heart still raced, I've realized how much I still love that man.
I am trying to move on, I really am..... I've signed up for some dating sites, met a few nice people (and some crazies to boot) and now have friends trying to set me up. I know I need to do this. Maybe finding somebody else will help me finally get over him. I go out with friends, have an amazing time and I'm so over the crying, but there's still that part of me that wants nothing more than to have my old life back. I never thought the grass was greener on the other side, I just needed to take better care of my own lawn I guess. Is it fair to start dating others while my heart is so clearly unavailable? "It's just dating", everyone says and I guess they're right. I'm not looking to replace anyone in my life just looking to add some happiness. The opportunity has presented itself lately, in many forms, but I just can't seem to take that next step. That makes me so angry with myself. My pride tells me, "If he can move on so easily, so can I", but my heart tells me dif ferent.
I've made some changes in my life. Big ones- losing 40 lbs, gaining an enormous amount of self-confidence, gained some new friends, got rid of some old, and have prided myself on being a terrific Mom (it must be working, I have the best kid in the world). Smaller ones- scored a beautiful, free couch, did some furniture moving around, learned how to do some jobs around the house, tried to line dance (not a pretty sight) and I smile at everyone I see. All these are good changes, changes that I needed to make whether I'm single or not. But there's some changes I still can't seem to make. I can't pack all his clothes up and call him to come and get them, I can't buy a new pillow to replace his on the bed, I can't get rid of that fish tank that he always took care of, and I can't even take the rest of his stuff out of the medicine cabinet. I guess I still consider this his home, and I'm not ready to remove him from my life completely, he's been in it for way too long. I'm sure it will all come in due time, but for now I'm keeping these little things the same.
One day, he won't be the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep, he won't be the one I want to call when our hockey team has made a big trade, he won't be the one who's arms I need around me when I've had a bad day...... one day, but not today.
I still love that man.
"How is it possible to love someone so much it hurts? How is it possible to want to hang on to something with the tightest grasp, knowing you need to let it go? How is it possible to want someone who has so clearly found another and who no longer wants you in their life? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.
It has now been over 6 months since we've been separated. A month with no contact, aside from a facebook poke. I needed this past month to try and start healing. I found it easier to not expect a call, a text, a hug or even a smile. Not seeing him at all has been easier than seeing him knowing he'll never be mine again. Last night was the first time I've laid eyes on him in a month and that amounted to a wave, yet my heart still raced, I've realized how much I still love that man.
I am trying to move on, I really am..... I've signed up for some dating sites, met a few nice people (and some crazies to boot) and now have friends trying to set me up. I know I need to do this. Maybe finding somebody else will help me finally get over him. I go out with friends, have an amazing time and I'm so over the crying, but there's still that part of me that wants nothing more than to have my old life back. I never thought the grass was greener on the other side, I just needed to take better care of my own lawn I guess. Is it fair to start dating others while my heart is so clearly unavailable? "It's just dating", everyone says and I guess they're right. I'm not looking to replace anyone in my life just looking to add some happiness. The opportunity has presented itself lately, in many forms, but I just can't seem to take that next step. That makes me so angry with myself. My pride tells me, "If he can move on so easily, so can I", but my heart tells me dif ferent.
I've made some changes in my life. Big ones- losing 40 lbs, gaining an enormous amount of self-confidence, gained some new friends, got rid of some old, and have prided myself on being a terrific Mom (it must be working, I have the best kid in the world). Smaller ones- scored a beautiful, free couch, did some furniture moving around, learned how to do some jobs around the house, tried to line dance (not a pretty sight) and I smile at everyone I see. All these are good changes, changes that I needed to make whether I'm single or not. But there's some changes I still can't seem to make. I can't pack all his clothes up and call him to come and get them, I can't buy a new pillow to replace his on the bed, I can't get rid of that fish tank that he always took care of, and I can't even take the rest of his stuff out of the medicine cabinet. I guess I still consider this his home, and I'm not ready to remove him from my life completely, he's been in it for way too long. I'm sure it will all come in due time, but for now I'm keeping these little things the same.
One day, he won't be the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep, he won't be the one I want to call when our hockey team has made a big trade, he won't be the one who's arms I need around me when I've had a bad day...... one day, but not today.
I still love that man.
Put the internet to work for you.
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