So I don't know how common this is but I thought I would ask here. My wife had various things going on with different men, culminating in an emotional affair which ended 3 years ago. None of these various situations was ever physical as far as I know. I have been able to verify that to some extent but not entirely.
So I found out about all of it at once. I found out about the emotional affair from her coworkers and then the rest came out during the weeks of arguing that followed. So most of the past 3 years has been us arguing over what went on and how responsible she is.
So we've managed to stay together. I got counseling and I eventually stopped trying to fix things and said it was all on her to fix. So to my surprise she has done really well and has pretty much done everything I expected. The one thing she can't seem to do is explain the why's and how's I have about all of it.
So problem one is that I remain just in limbo in terms of trying to get it. She has given different explanations for what happened and they actually add up when looked at in total. But she has also been totally honest and some of what I've found out has been disturbing to me, her honesty I guess is doubled-edged.
Another problem is that she still does not seem to "get" boundaries. I know for sure she is not trying to do anything with other men. But she still allows one in particular to violate boundaries and she seems almost afraid to put a stop to it for stupid social reasons. This seems to be what led to issues before though she says she is not who she was then.
So she is doing what I think needs to be done but there remains that huge "flaw" I guess in how she handles things. I think she is still seeing me also as the guy who has to fix everything instead of fully owning it all herself, though she is now totally honest and has allowed me to check up on anything I want to to be sure.
So to sum up its been a years-long series of inappropriate situations with her and other men. The emotional affair and the other situations never became physical but I am not sure of that, just going by what she and the counselor say. And she still sees me as this guy who needs to "man up" and handle anything including all of this stuff. At the same time, she consistently says she doesn't worry about me doing the same (though she expresses a lot of jealousy when women approach me) because I am a "kind soul" (thus the user name).
So once all this has happened, is it always an ongoing problem? Is what she did always going to be in the back of my mind as long as we're together? What else needs to happen to fix things? Thank you for your time.
So I found out about all of it at once. I found out about the emotional affair from her coworkers and then the rest came out during the weeks of arguing that followed. So most of the past 3 years has been us arguing over what went on and how responsible she is.
So we've managed to stay together. I got counseling and I eventually stopped trying to fix things and said it was all on her to fix. So to my surprise she has done really well and has pretty much done everything I expected. The one thing she can't seem to do is explain the why's and how's I have about all of it.
So problem one is that I remain just in limbo in terms of trying to get it. She has given different explanations for what happened and they actually add up when looked at in total. But she has also been totally honest and some of what I've found out has been disturbing to me, her honesty I guess is doubled-edged.
Another problem is that she still does not seem to "get" boundaries. I know for sure she is not trying to do anything with other men. But she still allows one in particular to violate boundaries and she seems almost afraid to put a stop to it for stupid social reasons. This seems to be what led to issues before though she says she is not who she was then.
So she is doing what I think needs to be done but there remains that huge "flaw" I guess in how she handles things. I think she is still seeing me also as the guy who has to fix everything instead of fully owning it all herself, though she is now totally honest and has allowed me to check up on anything I want to to be sure.
So to sum up its been a years-long series of inappropriate situations with her and other men. The emotional affair and the other situations never became physical but I am not sure of that, just going by what she and the counselor say. And she still sees me as this guy who needs to "man up" and handle anything including all of this stuff. At the same time, she consistently says she doesn't worry about me doing the same (though she expresses a lot of jealousy when women approach me) because I am a "kind soul" (thus the user name).
So once all this has happened, is it always an ongoing problem? Is what she did always going to be in the back of my mind as long as we're together? What else needs to happen to fix things? Thank you for your time.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment