My wife and I (both mid 30s, married 4 years, one child - 3) are currently dealing with the fallout from an affair a few months ago. I discovered it accidentally, and we found ourselves in counseling, both individual and couples, in pretty short order. Still there.
The affair continued for a time afterward, though, despite her assurances that she had cut all ties/no contact etc. Trust issues are now one of the biggest hurdles we face. The affair has been over for a couple months now, and we recently had a great joint meeting with her individual counselor that was very healing for me. Go team. I felt like we were finally starting to get our feet back under us.
In the meantime, though, I had been contacting a joint friend of hers (a woman, her best friend who was also a friend of mine before my wife and I began dating) while I was in the fog -- looking for insight into her behavior, struggling with my options in the face of the affair and the loss of trust. Whenever I'd find something questionable happening, I'd give her a call, let her talk me down. This friend had also dealt with infidelity, and I just needed someone to talk to. My wife and I had decided jointly to handle this issue privately, only letting our very closest friends know what we were dealing with. And even then, just the barest details. This friend knew the basics of the affair, as told to her by my wife, but I inadvertently spilled additional details to her in our conversations. I put a lot of weight on this person in asking for her support, and I know it wasn't an easy burden to shoulder. Particularly since I knew full well that my wife would not have approved of me talking about our issues in depth with anyone, let alone her best friend. Sigh -- I knew that, but I just needed someone to talk to about this so badly, someone that knew both of us ...
And there's the root of our current batch of troubles. As this friend has found out more about the affair, her relationship with my wife suffered. Nothing terrible, but they spent less time together, less talking to each other. My wife had picked up on this and asked me more than once if I had any idea why this might be happening. Like a coward, I said, "No."
Recently, she and my wife got together for drinks, like you do, and the friend came clean about being my shoulder, about the additional details/lies that she now knew (not pretty stuff, to be honest). I don't fault this person for that. I should've been more upfront with my wife in the beginning about where I was getting support.
Now we've regressed. My wife feels that I've broken her trust (I have), that I've ruined her best-friendship, that I've attacked her and made her feel the same as I did when I first found out about her infidelity. To date, I've always been the honest one, to a fault sometimes. I think it was a blow to her to find that I'm just a man, flawed like everyone else. I feel like she's turned the situation around and now feels like the victim. I was asked to spend last night in a hotel (I did). She told me she wants a divorce, that she can't trust me any longer. Irony. Haven't been able to talk to her since then -- I'm being frozen out.
I ... I just don't know what to do. We were so close to putting some real distance behind us ... and now? I don't know. I'd like to find a way to work toward forgiveness or at least be given the chance to fight for this marriage in the same way that I treated her after her mistakes/affair, but I can't tell if it's in the cards anymore.
Currently allowing her the space she clearly wants, but it's breaking my heart. I want to grab her, tell her that we've both made mistakes and that I want so badly for us to stay focused on the progress we've both seen recently. That we've been sick, but now we're well again and there's work to do.
I just don't know how to break down this wall that she's put up.
Thanks for reading.
The affair continued for a time afterward, though, despite her assurances that she had cut all ties/no contact etc. Trust issues are now one of the biggest hurdles we face. The affair has been over for a couple months now, and we recently had a great joint meeting with her individual counselor that was very healing for me. Go team. I felt like we were finally starting to get our feet back under us.
In the meantime, though, I had been contacting a joint friend of hers (a woman, her best friend who was also a friend of mine before my wife and I began dating) while I was in the fog -- looking for insight into her behavior, struggling with my options in the face of the affair and the loss of trust. Whenever I'd find something questionable happening, I'd give her a call, let her talk me down. This friend had also dealt with infidelity, and I just needed someone to talk to. My wife and I had decided jointly to handle this issue privately, only letting our very closest friends know what we were dealing with. And even then, just the barest details. This friend knew the basics of the affair, as told to her by my wife, but I inadvertently spilled additional details to her in our conversations. I put a lot of weight on this person in asking for her support, and I know it wasn't an easy burden to shoulder. Particularly since I knew full well that my wife would not have approved of me talking about our issues in depth with anyone, let alone her best friend. Sigh -- I knew that, but I just needed someone to talk to about this so badly, someone that knew both of us ...
And there's the root of our current batch of troubles. As this friend has found out more about the affair, her relationship with my wife suffered. Nothing terrible, but they spent less time together, less talking to each other. My wife had picked up on this and asked me more than once if I had any idea why this might be happening. Like a coward, I said, "No."
Recently, she and my wife got together for drinks, like you do, and the friend came clean about being my shoulder, about the additional details/lies that she now knew (not pretty stuff, to be honest). I don't fault this person for that. I should've been more upfront with my wife in the beginning about where I was getting support.
Now we've regressed. My wife feels that I've broken her trust (I have), that I've ruined her best-friendship, that I've attacked her and made her feel the same as I did when I first found out about her infidelity. To date, I've always been the honest one, to a fault sometimes. I think it was a blow to her to find that I'm just a man, flawed like everyone else. I feel like she's turned the situation around and now feels like the victim. I was asked to spend last night in a hotel (I did). She told me she wants a divorce, that she can't trust me any longer. Irony. Haven't been able to talk to her since then -- I'm being frozen out.
I ... I just don't know what to do. We were so close to putting some real distance behind us ... and now? I don't know. I'd like to find a way to work toward forgiveness or at least be given the chance to fight for this marriage in the same way that I treated her after her mistakes/affair, but I can't tell if it's in the cards anymore.
Currently allowing her the space she clearly wants, but it's breaking my heart. I want to grab her, tell her that we've both made mistakes and that I want so badly for us to stay focused on the progress we've both seen recently. That we've been sick, but now we're well again and there's work to do.
I just don't know how to break down this wall that she's put up.
Thanks for reading.
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