I'm finding myself in a pretty deep confusion. I want to believe the words my wife says, and some/most of them I do, but things I've read, close friends I've talked to, my mom's advice, and my gut feeling (which has never lead me wrong before) tells me otherwise.
I'm a long-winded person with things like this. This is going to be long. Random internet person, I'd appreciate if you read the entire thing and think on it, instead of just the TL;DR.
TL;DR: I feel my wife has had two emotionl affairs, and is currently still in the second after I told her she needed to end their friendship and keep it work-related ONLY, and after she called him, in front of me, and told me so. My closets buddies and mother all agree she is having at the very least an extremely inappropriate relationship (one buddy), or a full-blown emotional affair (other buddy); one of these people I confided in thinks she's already slept with the other guy. I don't know if I'd be surprised at this point if that were true. The other day, after she told me she wanted to take a break to find herself ("not date other people") and then come back to us, I told her I wanted her to leave, to get out. She called an attorney for advice. She spent the day feeling super upset, depressed, tried super hard to change her story, but still hasn't ended the emotional affair. I slept on the couch that night, she continued texting him after I left the bedroom. My wife does not consider her actions to be emotional affairs.
As a side-note: we have our first counseling session set up for this coming week. I've also told her I was planning to post "on an internet forum I read every now and then", and urged her to also do the same so people could view both sides of the story. She said she'd do it "for me." I don't know if she'll actually do it. I'm really just looking for an outside/un-biased opinion; somebody who, knowing they're only receiving my side of the story, and doesn't know me personally, can give me an opinion on if the way I'm feeling is warranted. I'm ready for us to either work on the marriage, or to get a divorce, which is why I don't really care if she reads this. It's nothing I haven't said before.
A little backstory...
I'm 29/M, work as a software engineer for a international company, wife is 25, works as a blackjack dealer and a side business. Married 5 years, together 7. Yes, we married young. Try telling a young person that it's a mistake to marry young/too early. Two kids; my son is almost 4, daughter is 15 months. We're both great parents together and separately, and multiple people have told us both this on multiple occasions. Overall, great, well behaved kids and great overall family structure.
In the beginning we were great together. Sex was frequent and intimate, and she was into it as much as I was. We were adventurous and things were never dull in the bedroom. As with most marriages that I read about, the wife and I lost a fair amount of what made us great when the kids came along, and have been struggling this last year to get it back. We both began to focus more on the kids than each other. We are both aware that we're both at fault.
When my son was 1.5-2, my wife had what I consider to be an EA. She was hiding a friendship/relationship with her ex (first love, took her viginity, etc.). He was an emotionally abusive POS who pursued her well into our third year of marriage, and I had voiced my opinions/feelings/wishes on how she handle him many times (stop talking to him).
She was messaging him via text message, facebook multiple times per day, several hundred messages over the course of a month or two. She even went so far as to use her 'secondary'/business phone, which she almost never used (I was even under the assumption that this phone had been lost in the house somewhere). I only saw a couple messages, but one that set me off the most was how she would miss him if he left/moved away (even though she'd told me hundreds of times up to that point that she hated him, all of a sudden she was 'over it' and and forgiven him, he'd changed, etc.).
Long story short, after lurking/reading on these forums for a week or two, confiding in my mom and two closest male friends, I decided to confront her. Note that up until this point I hadn't mentioned anything, and didn't let on that I was aware of it and was monitoring her text logs (and sneaking peaks at her phone as I could) and FB messages. I wasn't proud of it, but after seeing what was going on I felt it was warranted.
She admitted it. Cue the water-works, but I held frame and didn't let them affect me during the confrontation. She said she was suffering from depression and low self-esteem (she had gained weight during the pregnancy with my son, and hadn't lost it, which didn't bother me). My son and I bonded very closely while he was an infant/baby/toddler, but her and him did not bond, and she said this also had a huge effect on the way she felt. My son never wanted her until he was 1-1.5 years old, I was the only one that could calm him down/soothe him. (Even now my son is a lot like me/the way I was at his age; he even chose the same Ninja Turtle as his favorite as I did as a little boy). She said that she was happy to have the attention of somebody else, somebody who wanted her. I told her that felt like she was seeking attention from other men, and was well beyond what a wife should ever do, while at the same time turning away what attention I was giving her (which wasn't as much as I should have, I admit).
She said that I had been unavailable, which has some truth to it. I hate to make excuses, especially when I didn't recognize them myself until after, but the stresses of a move/job loss/unable to find work/having to live off my parents donations took a huge toll on me. I told her that I felt she was taking her anger at her self-esteem/our son's affection out on me, and instead of expending the energy on us/our marriage, she instead chose to expend the energy on another man and hiding that friendship (which she admitted she did because it would "make me mad" (no ****)). I told her she had destroyed my trust and threw it out the window, and she agreed. During the 1-2 months that she was engaging in this behavior, I was bottling it all up inside and it took a lot of energy to stop from becoming externally angry at the smallest slight, nag, etc. from her.
I told her she could either, right then and there, send him a no contact text message, with me watching, or she could pack her bags and leave. I should have made her call him so I could hear her voice when she said it; alas, hindsight is 20/20. She sent the message, and I went into trust but verify mode, and to my knowledge they haven't spoken at all since then. At this point I've forgiven her for this, but I have not forgotten it, and sometimes I still think of it, or bring it up during fights.
Fast forward a couple years...
My daughter was born and my wife was able to breast feed (my son wouldn't latch), so she began to lose weight. My daughter and her bonded (my daughter and I also bonded), her and I were in a better place (still not great), and things were better for about a year. My daughter eventually became more independent, and in my opinion started showing a preference towards me, like my son had. This hit my wife pretty hard. However, she had started losing weight and changing her appearance (red flag); she looked great, changed her hair color (I had always wanted her to try blonde, and it works well on her), and other men began to notice. My wife doesn't believe me when I say this, but I really don't get mad/jealous when some RANDOM guy tells her she's pretty or tries to pick her up. I may try to ask a question or two about the guy, but other than that I've usually forgotten about it within 30 minutes. However, when a man who considers himself her friend (and who she considers a friend) hits on her, speaks to her inappropriately, etc., I view that as crossing the line.
She works in a casino as a blackjack dealer. She met another guy there, and began talking to him over lunches/breaks. She told me about him while we were out for a walk with the kids. I was informed that he was a nice, funny guy, but also very inappropriate. She said he would often talk ("joke") about sexual things (supposedly he does it with all the women there?), and would often compliment her and tell her she was attractive. I was told she would respond with a thank you, or ignore it, or say something like "Yup, my husband is really lucky." At this point I believed her, so the next time she mentioned his name I had to ask "Who?"
Around this time I had already began to notice a huge increase in her self-esteem. Unfortunately, I didn't feel it was a result of my own efforts to tell her daily she was beautiful, to daily make sure we had a long hug and kiss, etc. She was posting selfies to facebook. She was using snapchat. These are all red flags. She had stopped talking about this guy at work almost completely. Red flag. She would become upset if I asked about whether he was still being inappropriate, etc. Red flag. She was becoming a little more adventurous in the bedroom, or coming home horny. Red flag.
My best buddy and his wife even noticed the increase in selfies and they both thought it was odd (he and I had not spoken of the issues yet). He mentioned this to me AFTER I sought some advice from him about her actions.
I then found out they were communicating via Facebook (information she told me). Another red flag. A red flag that their relationship/friendship had moved away from a work acquaintance/man who talks inappropriately to my wife (something I'd told her was not right of him to do) into a personal friendship. A fter a couple days/weeks of her not telling me much of anything, I broke down and began monitoring her FB/texts again. The things I saw were not nearly as innocent as she said. Granted, at this point it was only him doing the inappropriate thing, but I could tell she really enjoyed the attention, and never asked him to flat out stop (only to tone it down because it would "make my husband mad"). He was saying things to her like "I think you're sexy as hell", "I Just want you to be happy", "I really enjoy talking to you" (she also said this to him at some point). At one point she was explaining that her and her female friend were "boobie popping" (while dancing or something; they weren't at a bar, just out together at a haunted house type place) and he asked for pics.
She's told me many times they're "just friends." That "she knows his personality" and that "he told me he would NEVER pursue a married woman." I feel that, as a man, and a man who's experienced this before in a prior relationship, that I know better. I'm also of the opinion that no man should ever talk to a married woman like this, and any 'man' who does isn't deserving of the title. I know I would never do that, and I know my closest male friends wouldn't either. My mother agrees with that as well.
At some point while I was information gathering, I had left her FB page open on my computer accidentally and a message from him came on, so it immediately went marked as read. She commented to him that "husband must be watching" (because it didn't tell her she had a message). He asked why and she explained that "I ****ed up a few years ago and so he monitors me from time to time", and she explained a little bit of the story. The other guy responded by saying it was just talk, that I over-reacted, etc. Red flag. Anyways, when I saw the message from her that was about me monitoring, I texted her with something like "Yes, I am watching, and no, I'm not okay with this." A few texts were exchanged between her and I and then she messaged him on facebook:
"Yup, just got in trouble.
We need to keep our friendship appropriate on here."
***ON HERE***
I texted her: "ON HERE?!?!?!? What the **** does that mean?!"
I flew off the handle, called her, started yelling, etc. I was extremely upset about all of it, particularly the "on here" thing. I regret my reaction, and should have sat on it to collect my thoughts before talking to her about it. She said she doesn't know why she said that. She said it was an accident. I think she's lying.
My wife was also starting to gaslight me really hard, calling me controlling, insecure, etc. when I'd tell her I was uncomfortable with the way they talk, the things they talk about. I'd try to explain my feelings (something she said she wanted), and still I was being controlling, insecure, and my trust issues were smothering her. "You're the reason I have trust issues. We've discussed this, you agreed you ****ed up. I told you it was going to take a long time to recover my trust for you." Apparently I should just magically trust her.
I continued to monitor. Their friendship remained mostly the same. She sometimes would send him photos of things she thought was funny, food, etc.
I noticed one day she updated her status with a "Hey, I'm bored! Somebody text me! [phone number here]"... A couple days later, she started messaging him saying things like "hey, you should text me! [number here]"... She tried about 4-5 times to get him to text her instead of using Facebook. In my opinion, this was an attempt to a) take the friendship underground (hide it from me), and b) seek more attention from this guy. I wasn't able to look through her text messages without her knowing, since I rarely/never have access to her phone long enough to look through it; with work schedules/kids we barely saw each other at this point, she was working afternoons/evenings/nights and I worked a regular 9-5.
He didn't do so immediately. Her and I continued to fight about him while I monitored; she continued to gaslight me. She kept talking to her mom about it and telling her mom "her" side of the story, so of course it was completely innocent and her mom agreed with her, that I was over-reacting. She kept mentioning counseling, finding herself, potential breaks.
Around this time she decided she wanted a night out, and she was going to go out with her sister. No problems, gives me some time to spend with the kids, then sit down and play some PC games. She said they weren't sure what they were gonna do, and would text me. I kept monitoring FB. She mentioned to him that they may come to an event he was going to be at. No mention of that to me. The two of them discussed that, then later she messaged me "We decided to go here. [guy's name] will be there." I responded "Hmm.", we exchanged a few texts that basically came down to me saying I was done fighting about him, and then I went dark for the night. We fought that night when she got home, kissed and made up with me once again backing down, because apparently I had misplaced my balls.
She messaged him "yup, got in trouble again. He thinks I'm cheating." (I had never said that on the phone, but okay) He again comments that I'm over-reacting, she should just ignore it, etc.
Days/weeks pass. She beings to compliment him, share intimate details about her past, our marital life, etc. She says things like "I like talking to you :)", "you're sweet, I think it comes natural for you", etc. He says things like "I don't want to see you hurt". There is subtle flirting from her, sexually charged in my opinion... e.g.: in response to him having to get up early, she says "I'm up every few hours :) it sucks when I'm having good dreams", he says "Like?" and she responds "Wouldn't you like to know! ;)"
We had a conversation at one point, more about us than him, and it was like a fog lifted from me. I realized that her attention seeking was likely a result of us not being as close. I began to make an effort to take her out more, of my own accord, and we ended up having fun, which she said she really enjoyed. However, I felt that I had this stigma over my head, that was their "friendship."
One day, she was talking about him to me via text about something, and I said "For the record, I don't think his intentions are honorable" and we got into a little bit, nothing major. She said "Check my fb messages if you don't believe me", but I decided I was going to trust her and told her that I wasn't going to. And I didn't... for about 6 hours. It got the best of me and I broke down and checked.
She again complained to him about me/my insecurities/trust issues. They talked about it a little bit. "here's what you do... text me here [his number], and delete your fb messages" ... so now this guy is telling her to hide their friendship from me. She would later claim that it was innocent and that he was tired of me reading their messages/causing her pain. That was their last FB message. And so their relationship moved to texting, and I no longer had a way to see what was being said, only that they were texting quite frequently (via Verizon's logs). There were quite a few texts. Up to this point, no picture messages. I was pretty pissed, but kept it mostly to myself. I didn't want them to take it further underground.
Eventually not knowing got the best of me, and I began asking her about it, telling her I wanted her to be up-front with me, not lie to me, etc. She maintained that they mostly talked about work, things that happened at work, random things they saw/random topics, etc. She said he "almost never" hit on her anymore, and said their friendship had moved into an "appropriate"/platonic friendship, nothing more. Again with the "just friends." I told her I'm going to trust her, just be up-front with me. During this dispute, she again was gaslighting me the whole time; "you're controlling", "I/my mom/my friends think you're being controlling/insecure/untrusting", "it hurts me that you don't trust me." I again begin to doubt my stance, begin to think "well maybe she's telling the truth, maybe I'm over-reacting and I'm the problem."
I tried dealing with it, checking the verizon logs a couple times a day. Their texting continued, frequency increasing. At this point (right now, as I write this), the number of texts between them is close to the same as between her and I. She was texting him late at night, early in the morning, whereas most mornings if I didn't initiate with a "good morning" or something text, I wouldn't get anything until several hours afterwards.
Then, one day, I saw she had sent him some picture messages. What's worse, is that she had sent him a picture message (I wasn't aware of the context), followed by a string of messages between the two of them, within 20-30 minutes of a photo she sent me of a new sex toy that she had received in the mail (she used to sell pure romance, and some of her old business friends sometimes will send her new items for free). I immediately assumed that yes, indeed, she had sent him the same photo. I was a wreck for a couple days.
One morning, after speaking with my buddy and telling him what I thought that photo was and him agreeing I should likely just ask to see her phone, I did so. I t was about 5:30/6am. I wasn't even able to shower that morning, and I woke her up and said "I'm feeling a little insecure. What would you say if I wanted to see your text messages with him?" She immediately became defensive, "why do you need to do that?" "I thought we were past this" "I'm hurt that you don't trust me, I told myself last time was the last time" "I can't live like this" ... I told her I needed to see them to settle my mind/curiosity. Eventually she said "Fine, but you're not going to like it."
She went to grab her phone (plugged in by the bed), but before she handed it to me she said "How would you feel if you knew I sent him a picture of that new sex toy?" (not a direct quote, I was pretty shaken up at this point and don't recall exact wording)... I responded: "I would be extremely hurt. Did you?", she responded yes. At this point the phone was in my hands but I didn't want to look at them anymore. I threw the phone onto the bed in disbelief. She went on again about me not trusting her. Eventually I picked up the phone again and started looking at the most recent messages. Some harmless, some of him hitting on her/talking in appropriately (so much for him not doing that anymore). I asked her to show me where the texts with the photo of the sex toy were. She scrolled to them, handed the phone back.
It hit me pretty hard. It started out something like, from her to him:
"Ooooh, I got a fun new toy in the mail!"
"nice, what kind of fun toy?"
[picture message to him of the sex toy]
The rest is foggy unfortunately (I wish I had taken a screenshot); they began talking about her trying it out, and she was playing along with it. She was saying how she couldn't use it due to the kids, he said "well go to x place and do it" (some semi-public place, he made no mention of him being present while she used it). It went back and forth a little bit; again, nothing explicitly graphic, mostly just a little sexually-charged banter and talk of masturbation.
I flew off the ****ing handle. I stood up, began shaking. I could barely contain myself from throwing her out then and there.
I then scrolled all the way to the top. Some messages had been deleted, but it was something I was aware of (I don't know if it was done on purpose to hide something), but she said she had to do a system reset due to some broken apps and a broken system upgrade (she told me this the week/two weeks before while she was doing it). I read through the rest of the messages. It looked like they were all there. I would estimate with a foggy memory that it was abuot 50-60% harmless, and the rest was not (e.g. flirting, him being extremely in appropriate, her going to him to talk about our marital problems).
We talked a bit more, she brought up the idea of calling her mom and having her mom basically talk some sense into me. I said yes, do that. I talked to her mom, told her my feelings/thoughts, the things I had seen in their facebook messages. Her mom was very surprised by the things I had to say; I told her about how many messages, the content of those messages, how I didn't think a married woman should be acting this way and how a man shouldn't be pursuing a married woman in this way, and I also told her about the sex toy photo and talk of masturbation. She said "I didn't know any of that. She told me it was just an innocent friendship. That is completely not okay, I am not okay with that."
I handed the phone back, her mom proceeds to tell her that what she's done is not right. Wife breaks down in tears, now admits she's crossed a line, but ONLY admits to the one instance (the photo / masturbation talk) being a "joke that crossed the line." I ask to talk to her mom again, and tell her mom while looking my wife right in the eye: "If I choose to forgive her for this, I will accept nothing less than her never speaking to him again."
I took the next day off work, fortunately my boss is extremely understanding and an all-around super nice guy; wife is very loving, vero apologetic, very willing to listen to my feelings without gaslighting (but she does make excuses, blameshifts). She mentioned ending their friendship of her own accord, for me/us, and I said yes. She wanted to text him and tell him they were not going to be friends anymore. Initially I was okay with that, but after talking to my mom I decided I wanted her to call him and do it, so I could watch her body actions / listen to her voice as she did it. She resisted, but agreed. What she said to him was:
"Hey, I crossed the line yesterday. I'm going to focus on my marriage, and trying to fix it. We can't be friends anymore."
He said a few things, she said yes/sure. As a note, I had agreed before-hand that I was willing to allow work-related talk (edit: to clarify, by this I mean necessary work talk, e.g. switching shifts, xyz needs to talk to you, new rules/info each other should be aware of; no friendly banter about customers/other employees/etc. She was aware that what I wanted was her to NOT talk to him at all) if and only if she told me about all of it. They had a short discussion about switching a shift, and the call was done. She said that he was supportive of her, and told her to make sure it wasn't her doing all the work to fix things. I should have made her do it on speaker phone. The Verizon call logs (and I saw her press the contact) verified that she called his number at this time.
Side-story... right before she made this call, she resisted/hesitated again, kept telling me "I'm afraid things won't change between us", "I'm skeptical it'll just get bad again". She admitted to me something that still bothers me now, and it was about her female friend. She told me that this female friend was actually bi-sexual, so now I'm concerned about all the times this friend would grab her boobs/ass (before I was assuming it was harmless female fun, as I'd seen other straight women do the same thing to their girlfriends). She told me that this woman, who is married with children, had actually cheated on her husband (didn't mention how many times), and didn't tell him. She also informed me that this friend of hers told my wife to "go for it", in regards to this guy. This friend actually told my wife to cheat on me. Now she started going on about how I'm so controlling, about how she "can't have any friends" for fear of pissing me off, about how "I've always made better friends with guys than girls" (well no ****). I don't feel I can tell her not to see this female friend of hers without destroying my credibility when I say "I'm okay with random guys hitting on you; I'm okay with platonic appropriate friendships with other men; I'm not okay with you and this one guy."
Second side-story... I had a total foot-in-mouth moment, which I immediately took back and apologized for, during a fight. She mentioned that she wasn't running around sleeping with every guy who hit on her like I seemed to assume (her words), and I said "well that's what you did before we met, isn't it?" I had actually just a few days before this found out that the sexual partner count she told me when we started dating was not accurate. Apparently she "forgot" (to my knowledge, women generally don't forget that kind of ****; she was likely reducing her number to seem like a better person in the beginning of the relationship). Regardless, it was something I shouldn't have said, but she's clung to it for the past couple weeks and brings it up every time we fight.
Back to the main story... For the most part, she followed the boundary I had set. She was talking more to me, and was up-front with me right away when she would talk to him. Apparently the very next day he actually hadn't gotten the memo, because he tried to talk to her again, tried to do the same-ol same-ol. I'm guessing he said what he said to put up a front for her so that I'd back off. She says she's been ignoring him unless critical work-related things needed to be said. She says they haven't spoken. She says he's stopped hitting on her. I've continued to monitor the Verizon logs, but without saying anything.
A week or two passed, we hadn't really argued about it because I was of the assumption she was being truthful. At this time, I had been trying to act the way I had when we first met, which is what she said she wanted. She wanted me to be more flirty with her, to be more affectionate, So I began complimenting her a lot, hitting on her pretty blatantly, random hugs/kisseds again, etc. She seemed to enjoy it. At the same time, I'd suffer from what I'd call triggers and would immediately go into a sour mood. I knew she was wanting me to come to her, but I was intent to sit there and let her come to me, to prove things to me. Our sex life was shaky, and there was a lot of me waiting for her to come to me and prove to me she wanted to be with me.
At one point, she opened up a new checking account at a different bank than where we have our joint account. This was pretty much the "hey, this marriage is over" flag for me. She still maintains it was innocent... she wanted a more national bank with more available locations for deposit for her side-business. Oh, let's not forget the other red flag: she changed her direct deposit to this new account.
A couple days after that, I asked her "So what would you think if I opened up my own checking account?" I gave reasons that she did the same, so it should be okay, and it would allow me to better track where the money from my job was going, as I could just transfer to our joint account where we pay bills out of, but leave the rest in my account for groceries, gas, etc. We also have separate savings.
She was thrown off by this (could see it in her eyes/face), but said she was fine with it. She then went out to a meeting (she's a member of a local club for veterans, as her family has always been part of it). She met with her aunt and grandmother there. She told them about the bank account I was opening, probably told them about all of my trust issues and insecurities and how it's smothering her. They likely agreed with her.
She came home late that night, said I'd been acting weird and asked me the real reason behind the bank account. I repeated the same reasons from earlier. She told me she'd discussed it with others, and they said it's a huge red flag that I'm getting ready to leave. She admits she went to this other guy for advice (yeah, let's approach a guy who's obviously sexually interested in you for advice on our marriage; sounds like a terrible ****ing idea to me.) This was when she told me she needed a break from us. I'd always told her that I felt breaks were bull**** and were just a way to ease the guilt of the person doing the breaking up. I fought it for a while, we talked about the other guy, she maintains the reason for her wanting the break is NOT to go off with him or any other guy. I asked her if she's cheated on me, she says no. I didn't see an tells of a lie. She says she feels smothered again, can't live like this, etc. Eventually I agreed to go sleep downstairs, and that we would basically cohabitate. She said she wanted to date me again, she said we'd go out on dates. I eventually felt my rage rising, so just said let's talk about logistics and I'll go sleep downstairs, we can try it, but told her I'd be in pain the entire time, with thoughts running through my head. Blah blah blah.
I go downstairs and immediately text my buddy; he's very surprised, very supportive, and agrees she's likely trying to split up/divorce. He agrees that her actions with this other guy are at the very least EXTREMELY in appropriate, and that he would also be very pissed about it / not able to live with it. We both agree it's just my side of the story he's hearing, and I try my best to portray accruately/logically, but I don't feel that's possible in this situation.
I check verizon logs. Yup, she's been texting him for a couple hours before confronting me, and additionally texting him AFTER I left the bedroom. "What the **** is wrong with this woman?"
I call my mom; she had had a few drinks, but immediately called BULL**** on that. She told me I needed to kick her out. She told me that since it was my wife's choice to "take a break" (end the marriage), that my wife needed to leave. She agrees with me that she's in an emotional affair, and validates my feelings. I mention calling my wife's parents, my mom agrees. I do it.
Wife's dad was surprised; wife hadn't told him a lot (I say "of course not, that would make her look bad."). He says something to the effect of "if that's what's happening, I agree that she shouldn't be doing it." He says he doesn't think she's slept with him, but mentions "then again, who am I to say?" He's a deeply religious man, and I'm not, so he told me to pray on it, and that he'd pray for me. He said he thought I was a great father and son-in-law, and I thanked him and we said goodnight.
I spoke to her mom, and when I said "[wife] says she wants a break." her mom was very surprised and something like "I have no idea what's going through her head. I'm going to call her and kick her ass."
I spoke to my mom again, and then my buddy, and decided I would tell my wife to leave our marital home in the morning, after I'd slept on it some. Another buddy who was asleep and didn't wake up when I messaged later messaged me in the morning in agreement, that I should tell her to leave.
So, I did. I went up stairs, had a shower, got dressed to get ready for work, and said "[wife], we need to talk."
She woke up, groggy, said "okay" with a tone of "oh ****, here he goes again sarcasm."
I said "I talked to a few people last night, as you probably know. You said you wanted a break, and I'm not okay with that. I'm not going to do it. Since you're the one that wants this break, I want you to leave. I want you out." and left the room, went downstairs to cool off.
My daughter woke up a few minutes later, I went upstairs to get her but wife was already holding her (looked like she was using my daughter as a shoulder to cry on? unsure). I said "We can talk about this in five minutes", offered to take my daughter (wife declined) and went back downstairs. I went back up after 5 mins, she wasn't ready (had a very hateful look in her eye), I took my daughter downstairs and fixed her breakfast.
My son woke up, I fixed him breakfast. Wife eventually came downstairs and stared at the wall for a minute. More gaslighting, more blameshifting. Told me she'd called an attorney, who said "you have three options... cohabitate and see if you can get the spark back or "nest" (one parent in the house with the kids, other elsewhere, swap frequently), so you can try to date him again; otherwise, divorce." When she said that last option I looked her straight in the eye and nodded, maybe a little too enthusiastically. I'd like to note here, I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose my wife, or break up my family. But nor will I stand any longer for this attention seeking / emotional affair behavior, the disrespect, the gaslighting/blameshifting, the selfishness.
We wrote up a short contract agreeing that neither of us would try to take/withhold either child from either parent. We signed, dated, copied, filed the original away. This gave me some small peace of mind. This was yesterday. I took the day off work; again my boss understood and told me not to stress about work.
I was emotionally distant, mostly dark, to her the rest of the day. She texted me later saying she was "pouring her heart out to me and I can't bother responding." I responded later "You destroyed what was left of me last night. What do you expect." She texted later saying she was having a very bad day... that she was feeling completely worthless, and like she had ****ed everything up. She's still texting the other guy, all day, when she knows he is literally the only reason I'm pulling away. She knows I believe the break is her attempt to relieve her guilt while she distances herself from me (and she knows I believe it's an attempt to ease her guilt while getting closer with him).
She came home that night, went upstairs and immediately put on a sexy nighty. Came downstairs and cuddle up to me on the couch. I was still very upset, very angry, so didn't cuddle back. She picked up on my mood. I said "I appreciate the effort, but I'm way too hurt for that right now."
Again we get into a discussion. Again, more gaslighting, more blameshifting, more "it's completely innocent." She has the gall to ask me if I've ever cheated on her. (I haven't; I only talk to one other female, and I've known her for 20 years, only met her once and my wife (then girlfriend) was there (me and this girl met online when I was a kid), and we only talk once or twice every couple years; the last time we spoke until just recently was 2008). I look her straight in the eye and say "No. Never." She says "I haven't either. With [guy's name] or anybody. I haven't been with anybody but you since we got together."
She kept starting to cry; that and the gaslighting/blameshifting again put me in a defensive stance. I kept doubting myself and my position. I kept asking myself "wait, why don't I trust her? Am I that insecure?" I believe the gaslighting was having an effect on me. But that's why I'm here. I want to know if YOU think she's gaslighting me; if YOU think she's having an emotional affair.
We talked some more, nothing that I haven't mentioned before, nothing extremely interesting. She says "I'll let you finish your movie. You're welcome to join me in bed." 20 minutes later, I get a text from her asking if I'm coming. Part of me doesn't want to. Part of me does. I talk to my buddy some more. I decide to go upstairs... two hours later (I did finish my movie... Hercules with The Rock.... decent flick, nothing to write home about). I laid in bed not touching her for 30 minutes. Eventually, I placed my hand on her for a little while. She snuck a little closer. After a while, I rolled over and went to sleep.
Next thing I knew, she was cuddling up to me the next morning, and in my sleep-state I was cuddling back. At first it's face to face cuddling. Then she rolls around so that I'm spooning her. It was nice, but I couldn't help but think that it was either fake or had some type of ulterior motive. I eventually rolled over and fell back asleep. I hadn't been sleeping well that past week, especially the past two nights, so it wasn't difficult. I ended up later that morning taking a 3+ hour nap as well. Didn't actually get up for the day until 1pm, which is a first for me in at least 10 years.
I'm still finding myself incredibly hurt, incredibly cold towards her. But I have also found myself joking, laughing with her. She's still messaging back and forth with him all day.
We have a counseling session set up this coming week, our first. I'm torn at this point; I did contact an attorney. I'm tempted to go to the courthouse right now and try to file for an uncontested divorce, with joint custody, no financial support either way, etc. and see if she'll agree to it. I know that I won't be able to attempt to fix our marriage until I'm convinced she's no longer talking to this other guy. But there's a large part of me that is wounded because she broke my no-contact rule, and continues to do so, especially without regards to my feelings. When I say it hurts me, she tells me to stop being so controlling/insecure.
So, here I am, writing this. I want opinions. I want un-biased, no beating-around-the-bush opinions. I want to know if I'm validated in feeling the way I do and if I'm possibly being manipulated, or if I'm over-reacting/being insecure. My friends and mom/dad agree with me, but they are both biased parties, and while I value their opinions greatly, I also at this point want some un-biased advice.
Thank you for taking the time to read this gigantic wall of text, and for any advice/opinions you can offer.
I'm a long-winded person with things like this. This is going to be long. Random internet person, I'd appreciate if you read the entire thing and think on it, instead of just the TL;DR.
TL;DR: I feel my wife has had two emotionl affairs, and is currently still in the second after I told her she needed to end their friendship and keep it work-related ONLY, and after she called him, in front of me, and told me so. My closets buddies and mother all agree she is having at the very least an extremely inappropriate relationship (one buddy), or a full-blown emotional affair (other buddy); one of these people I confided in thinks she's already slept with the other guy. I don't know if I'd be surprised at this point if that were true. The other day, after she told me she wanted to take a break to find herself ("not date other people") and then come back to us, I told her I wanted her to leave, to get out. She called an attorney for advice. She spent the day feeling super upset, depressed, tried super hard to change her story, but still hasn't ended the emotional affair. I slept on the couch that night, she continued texting him after I left the bedroom. My wife does not consider her actions to be emotional affairs.
As a side-note: we have our first counseling session set up for this coming week. I've also told her I was planning to post "on an internet forum I read every now and then", and urged her to also do the same so people could view both sides of the story. She said she'd do it "for me." I don't know if she'll actually do it. I'm really just looking for an outside/un-biased opinion; somebody who, knowing they're only receiving my side of the story, and doesn't know me personally, can give me an opinion on if the way I'm feeling is warranted. I'm ready for us to either work on the marriage, or to get a divorce, which is why I don't really care if she reads this. It's nothing I haven't said before.
A little backstory...
I'm 29/M, work as a software engineer for a international company, wife is 25, works as a blackjack dealer and a side business. Married 5 years, together 7. Yes, we married young. Try telling a young person that it's a mistake to marry young/too early. Two kids; my son is almost 4, daughter is 15 months. We're both great parents together and separately, and multiple people have told us both this on multiple occasions. Overall, great, well behaved kids and great overall family structure.
In the beginning we were great together. Sex was frequent and intimate, and she was into it as much as I was. We were adventurous and things were never dull in the bedroom. As with most marriages that I read about, the wife and I lost a fair amount of what made us great when the kids came along, and have been struggling this last year to get it back. We both began to focus more on the kids than each other. We are both aware that we're both at fault.
When my son was 1.5-2, my wife had what I consider to be an EA. She was hiding a friendship/relationship with her ex (first love, took her viginity, etc.). He was an emotionally abusive POS who pursued her well into our third year of marriage, and I had voiced my opinions/feelings/wishes on how she handle him many times (stop talking to him).
She was messaging him via text message, facebook multiple times per day, several hundred messages over the course of a month or two. She even went so far as to use her 'secondary'/business phone, which she almost never used (I was even under the assumption that this phone had been lost in the house somewhere). I only saw a couple messages, but one that set me off the most was how she would miss him if he left/moved away (even though she'd told me hundreds of times up to that point that she hated him, all of a sudden she was 'over it' and and forgiven him, he'd changed, etc.).
Long story short, after lurking/reading on these forums for a week or two, confiding in my mom and two closest male friends, I decided to confront her. Note that up until this point I hadn't mentioned anything, and didn't let on that I was aware of it and was monitoring her text logs (and sneaking peaks at her phone as I could) and FB messages. I wasn't proud of it, but after seeing what was going on I felt it was warranted.
She admitted it. Cue the water-works, but I held frame and didn't let them affect me during the confrontation. She said she was suffering from depression and low self-esteem (she had gained weight during the pregnancy with my son, and hadn't lost it, which didn't bother me). My son and I bonded very closely while he was an infant/baby/toddler, but her and him did not bond, and she said this also had a huge effect on the way she felt. My son never wanted her until he was 1-1.5 years old, I was the only one that could calm him down/soothe him. (Even now my son is a lot like me/the way I was at his age; he even chose the same Ninja Turtle as his favorite as I did as a little boy). She said that she was happy to have the attention of somebody else, somebody who wanted her. I told her that felt like she was seeking attention from other men, and was well beyond what a wife should ever do, while at the same time turning away what attention I was giving her (which wasn't as much as I should have, I admit).
She said that I had been unavailable, which has some truth to it. I hate to make excuses, especially when I didn't recognize them myself until after, but the stresses of a move/job loss/unable to find work/having to live off my parents donations took a huge toll on me. I told her that I felt she was taking her anger at her self-esteem/our son's affection out on me, and instead of expending the energy on us/our marriage, she instead chose to expend the energy on another man and hiding that friendship (which she admitted she did because it would "make me mad" (no ****)). I told her she had destroyed my trust and threw it out the window, and she agreed. During the 1-2 months that she was engaging in this behavior, I was bottling it all up inside and it took a lot of energy to stop from becoming externally angry at the smallest slight, nag, etc. from her.
I told her she could either, right then and there, send him a no contact text message, with me watching, or she could pack her bags and leave. I should have made her call him so I could hear her voice when she said it; alas, hindsight is 20/20. She sent the message, and I went into trust but verify mode, and to my knowledge they haven't spoken at all since then. At this point I've forgiven her for this, but I have not forgotten it, and sometimes I still think of it, or bring it up during fights.
Fast forward a couple years...
My daughter was born and my wife was able to breast feed (my son wouldn't latch), so she began to lose weight. My daughter and her bonded (my daughter and I also bonded), her and I were in a better place (still not great), and things were better for about a year. My daughter eventually became more independent, and in my opinion started showing a preference towards me, like my son had. This hit my wife pretty hard. However, she had started losing weight and changing her appearance (red flag); she looked great, changed her hair color (I had always wanted her to try blonde, and it works well on her), and other men began to notice. My wife doesn't believe me when I say this, but I really don't get mad/jealous when some RANDOM guy tells her she's pretty or tries to pick her up. I may try to ask a question or two about the guy, but other than that I've usually forgotten about it within 30 minutes. However, when a man who considers himself her friend (and who she considers a friend) hits on her, speaks to her inappropriately, etc., I view that as crossing the line.
She works in a casino as a blackjack dealer. She met another guy there, and began talking to him over lunches/breaks. She told me about him while we were out for a walk with the kids. I was informed that he was a nice, funny guy, but also very inappropriate. She said he would often talk ("joke") about sexual things (supposedly he does it with all the women there?), and would often compliment her and tell her she was attractive. I was told she would respond with a thank you, or ignore it, or say something like "Yup, my husband is really lucky." At this point I believed her, so the next time she mentioned his name I had to ask "Who?"
Around this time I had already began to notice a huge increase in her self-esteem. Unfortunately, I didn't feel it was a result of my own efforts to tell her daily she was beautiful, to daily make sure we had a long hug and kiss, etc. She was posting selfies to facebook. She was using snapchat. These are all red flags. She had stopped talking about this guy at work almost completely. Red flag. She would become upset if I asked about whether he was still being inappropriate, etc. Red flag. She was becoming a little more adventurous in the bedroom, or coming home horny. Red flag.
My best buddy and his wife even noticed the increase in selfies and they both thought it was odd (he and I had not spoken of the issues yet). He mentioned this to me AFTER I sought some advice from him about her actions.
I then found out they were communicating via Facebook (information she told me). Another red flag. A red flag that their relationship/friendship had moved away from a work acquaintance/man who talks inappropriately to my wife (something I'd told her was not right of him to do) into a personal friendship. A fter a couple days/weeks of her not telling me much of anything, I broke down and began monitoring her FB/texts again. The things I saw were not nearly as innocent as she said. Granted, at this point it was only him doing the inappropriate thing, but I could tell she really enjoyed the attention, and never asked him to flat out stop (only to tone it down because it would "make my husband mad"). He was saying things to her like "I think you're sexy as hell", "I Just want you to be happy", "I really enjoy talking to you" (she also said this to him at some point). At one point she was explaining that her and her female friend were "boobie popping" (while dancing or something; they weren't at a bar, just out together at a haunted house type place) and he asked for pics.
She's told me many times they're "just friends." That "she knows his personality" and that "he told me he would NEVER pursue a married woman." I feel that, as a man, and a man who's experienced this before in a prior relationship, that I know better. I'm also of the opinion that no man should ever talk to a married woman like this, and any 'man' who does isn't deserving of the title. I know I would never do that, and I know my closest male friends wouldn't either. My mother agrees with that as well.
At some point while I was information gathering, I had left her FB page open on my computer accidentally and a message from him came on, so it immediately went marked as read. She commented to him that "husband must be watching" (because it didn't tell her she had a message). He asked why and she explained that "I ****ed up a few years ago and so he monitors me from time to time", and she explained a little bit of the story. The other guy responded by saying it was just talk, that I over-reacted, etc. Red flag. Anyways, when I saw the message from her that was about me monitoring, I texted her with something like "Yes, I am watching, and no, I'm not okay with this." A few texts were exchanged between her and I and then she messaged him on facebook:
"Yup, just got in trouble.
We need to keep our friendship appropriate on here."
***ON HERE***
I texted her: "ON HERE?!?!?!? What the **** does that mean?!"
I flew off the handle, called her, started yelling, etc. I was extremely upset about all of it, particularly the "on here" thing. I regret my reaction, and should have sat on it to collect my thoughts before talking to her about it. She said she doesn't know why she said that. She said it was an accident. I think she's lying.
My wife was also starting to gaslight me really hard, calling me controlling, insecure, etc. when I'd tell her I was uncomfortable with the way they talk, the things they talk about. I'd try to explain my feelings (something she said she wanted), and still I was being controlling, insecure, and my trust issues were smothering her. "You're the reason I have trust issues. We've discussed this, you agreed you ****ed up. I told you it was going to take a long time to recover my trust for you." Apparently I should just magically trust her.
I continued to monitor. Their friendship remained mostly the same. She sometimes would send him photos of things she thought was funny, food, etc.
I noticed one day she updated her status with a "Hey, I'm bored! Somebody text me! [phone number here]"... A couple days later, she started messaging him saying things like "hey, you should text me! [number here]"... She tried about 4-5 times to get him to text her instead of using Facebook. In my opinion, this was an attempt to a) take the friendship underground (hide it from me), and b) seek more attention from this guy. I wasn't able to look through her text messages without her knowing, since I rarely/never have access to her phone long enough to look through it; with work schedules/kids we barely saw each other at this point, she was working afternoons/evenings/nights and I worked a regular 9-5.
He didn't do so immediately. Her and I continued to fight about him while I monitored; she continued to gaslight me. She kept talking to her mom about it and telling her mom "her" side of the story, so of course it was completely innocent and her mom agreed with her, that I was over-reacting. She kept mentioning counseling, finding herself, potential breaks.
Around this time she decided she wanted a night out, and she was going to go out with her sister. No problems, gives me some time to spend with the kids, then sit down and play some PC games. She said they weren't sure what they were gonna do, and would text me. I kept monitoring FB. She mentioned to him that they may come to an event he was going to be at. No mention of that to me. The two of them discussed that, then later she messaged me "We decided to go here. [guy's name] will be there." I responded "Hmm.", we exchanged a few texts that basically came down to me saying I was done fighting about him, and then I went dark for the night. We fought that night when she got home, kissed and made up with me once again backing down, because apparently I had misplaced my balls.
She messaged him "yup, got in trouble again. He thinks I'm cheating." (I had never said that on the phone, but okay) He again comments that I'm over-reacting, she should just ignore it, etc.
Days/weeks pass. She beings to compliment him, share intimate details about her past, our marital life, etc. She says things like "I like talking to you :)", "you're sweet, I think it comes natural for you", etc. He says things like "I don't want to see you hurt". There is subtle flirting from her, sexually charged in my opinion... e.g.: in response to him having to get up early, she says "I'm up every few hours :) it sucks when I'm having good dreams", he says "Like?" and she responds "Wouldn't you like to know! ;)"
We had a conversation at one point, more about us than him, and it was like a fog lifted from me. I realized that her attention seeking was likely a result of us not being as close. I began to make an effort to take her out more, of my own accord, and we ended up having fun, which she said she really enjoyed. However, I felt that I had this stigma over my head, that was their "friendship."
One day, she was talking about him to me via text about something, and I said "For the record, I don't think his intentions are honorable" and we got into a little bit, nothing major. She said "Check my fb messages if you don't believe me", but I decided I was going to trust her and told her that I wasn't going to. And I didn't... for about 6 hours. It got the best of me and I broke down and checked.
She again complained to him about me/my insecurities/trust issues. They talked about it a little bit. "here's what you do... text me here [his number], and delete your fb messages" ... so now this guy is telling her to hide their friendship from me. She would later claim that it was innocent and that he was tired of me reading their messages/causing her pain. That was their last FB message. And so their relationship moved to texting, and I no longer had a way to see what was being said, only that they were texting quite frequently (via Verizon's logs). There were quite a few texts. Up to this point, no picture messages. I was pretty pissed, but kept it mostly to myself. I didn't want them to take it further underground.
Eventually not knowing got the best of me, and I began asking her about it, telling her I wanted her to be up-front with me, not lie to me, etc. She maintained that they mostly talked about work, things that happened at work, random things they saw/random topics, etc. She said he "almost never" hit on her anymore, and said their friendship had moved into an "appropriate"/platonic friendship, nothing more. Again with the "just friends." I told her I'm going to trust her, just be up-front with me. During this dispute, she again was gaslighting me the whole time; "you're controlling", "I/my mom/my friends think you're being controlling/insecure/untrusting", "it hurts me that you don't trust me." I again begin to doubt my stance, begin to think "well maybe she's telling the truth, maybe I'm over-reacting and I'm the problem."
I tried dealing with it, checking the verizon logs a couple times a day. Their texting continued, frequency increasing. At this point (right now, as I write this), the number of texts between them is close to the same as between her and I. She was texting him late at night, early in the morning, whereas most mornings if I didn't initiate with a "good morning" or something text, I wouldn't get anything until several hours afterwards.
Then, one day, I saw she had sent him some picture messages. What's worse, is that she had sent him a picture message (I wasn't aware of the context), followed by a string of messages between the two of them, within 20-30 minutes of a photo she sent me of a new sex toy that she had received in the mail (she used to sell pure romance, and some of her old business friends sometimes will send her new items for free). I immediately assumed that yes, indeed, she had sent him the same photo. I was a wreck for a couple days.
One morning, after speaking with my buddy and telling him what I thought that photo was and him agreeing I should likely just ask to see her phone, I did so. I t was about 5:30/6am. I wasn't even able to shower that morning, and I woke her up and said "I'm feeling a little insecure. What would you say if I wanted to see your text messages with him?" She immediately became defensive, "why do you need to do that?" "I thought we were past this" "I'm hurt that you don't trust me, I told myself last time was the last time" "I can't live like this" ... I told her I needed to see them to settle my mind/curiosity. Eventually she said "Fine, but you're not going to like it."
She went to grab her phone (plugged in by the bed), but before she handed it to me she said "How would you feel if you knew I sent him a picture of that new sex toy?" (not a direct quote, I was pretty shaken up at this point and don't recall exact wording)... I responded: "I would be extremely hurt. Did you?", she responded yes. At this point the phone was in my hands but I didn't want to look at them anymore. I threw the phone onto the bed in disbelief. She went on again about me not trusting her. Eventually I picked up the phone again and started looking at the most recent messages. Some harmless, some of him hitting on her/talking in appropriately (so much for him not doing that anymore). I asked her to show me where the texts with the photo of the sex toy were. She scrolled to them, handed the phone back.
It hit me pretty hard. It started out something like, from her to him:
"Ooooh, I got a fun new toy in the mail!"
"nice, what kind of fun toy?"
[picture message to him of the sex toy]
The rest is foggy unfortunately (I wish I had taken a screenshot); they began talking about her trying it out, and she was playing along with it. She was saying how she couldn't use it due to the kids, he said "well go to x place and do it" (some semi-public place, he made no mention of him being present while she used it). It went back and forth a little bit; again, nothing explicitly graphic, mostly just a little sexually-charged banter and talk of masturbation.
I flew off the ****ing handle. I stood up, began shaking. I could barely contain myself from throwing her out then and there.
I then scrolled all the way to the top. Some messages had been deleted, but it was something I was aware of (I don't know if it was done on purpose to hide something), but she said she had to do a system reset due to some broken apps and a broken system upgrade (she told me this the week/two weeks before while she was doing it). I read through the rest of the messages. It looked like they were all there. I would estimate with a foggy memory that it was abuot 50-60% harmless, and the rest was not (e.g. flirting, him being extremely in appropriate, her going to him to talk about our marital problems).
We talked a bit more, she brought up the idea of calling her mom and having her mom basically talk some sense into me. I said yes, do that. I talked to her mom, told her my feelings/thoughts, the things I had seen in their facebook messages. Her mom was very surprised by the things I had to say; I told her about how many messages, the content of those messages, how I didn't think a married woman should be acting this way and how a man shouldn't be pursuing a married woman in this way, and I also told her about the sex toy photo and talk of masturbation. She said "I didn't know any of that. She told me it was just an innocent friendship. That is completely not okay, I am not okay with that."
I handed the phone back, her mom proceeds to tell her that what she's done is not right. Wife breaks down in tears, now admits she's crossed a line, but ONLY admits to the one instance (the photo / masturbation talk) being a "joke that crossed the line." I ask to talk to her mom again, and tell her mom while looking my wife right in the eye: "If I choose to forgive her for this, I will accept nothing less than her never speaking to him again."
I took the next day off work, fortunately my boss is extremely understanding and an all-around super nice guy; wife is very loving, vero apologetic, very willing to listen to my feelings without gaslighting (but she does make excuses, blameshifts). She mentioned ending their friendship of her own accord, for me/us, and I said yes. She wanted to text him and tell him they were not going to be friends anymore. Initially I was okay with that, but after talking to my mom I decided I wanted her to call him and do it, so I could watch her body actions / listen to her voice as she did it. She resisted, but agreed. What she said to him was:
"Hey, I crossed the line yesterday. I'm going to focus on my marriage, and trying to fix it. We can't be friends anymore."
He said a few things, she said yes/sure. As a note, I had agreed before-hand that I was willing to allow work-related talk (edit: to clarify, by this I mean necessary work talk, e.g. switching shifts, xyz needs to talk to you, new rules/info each other should be aware of; no friendly banter about customers/other employees/etc. She was aware that what I wanted was her to NOT talk to him at all) if and only if she told me about all of it. They had a short discussion about switching a shift, and the call was done. She said that he was supportive of her, and told her to make sure it wasn't her doing all the work to fix things. I should have made her do it on speaker phone. The Verizon call logs (and I saw her press the contact) verified that she called his number at this time.
Side-story... right before she made this call, she resisted/hesitated again, kept telling me "I'm afraid things won't change between us", "I'm skeptical it'll just get bad again". She admitted to me something that still bothers me now, and it was about her female friend. She told me that this female friend was actually bi-sexual, so now I'm concerned about all the times this friend would grab her boobs/ass (before I was assuming it was harmless female fun, as I'd seen other straight women do the same thing to their girlfriends). She told me that this woman, who is married with children, had actually cheated on her husband (didn't mention how many times), and didn't tell him. She also informed me that this friend of hers told my wife to "go for it", in regards to this guy. This friend actually told my wife to cheat on me. Now she started going on about how I'm so controlling, about how she "can't have any friends" for fear of pissing me off, about how "I've always made better friends with guys than girls" (well no ****). I don't feel I can tell her not to see this female friend of hers without destroying my credibility when I say "I'm okay with random guys hitting on you; I'm okay with platonic appropriate friendships with other men; I'm not okay with you and this one guy."
Second side-story... I had a total foot-in-mouth moment, which I immediately took back and apologized for, during a fight. She mentioned that she wasn't running around sleeping with every guy who hit on her like I seemed to assume (her words), and I said "well that's what you did before we met, isn't it?" I had actually just a few days before this found out that the sexual partner count she told me when we started dating was not accurate. Apparently she "forgot" (to my knowledge, women generally don't forget that kind of ****; she was likely reducing her number to seem like a better person in the beginning of the relationship). Regardless, it was something I shouldn't have said, but she's clung to it for the past couple weeks and brings it up every time we fight.
Back to the main story... For the most part, she followed the boundary I had set. She was talking more to me, and was up-front with me right away when she would talk to him. Apparently the very next day he actually hadn't gotten the memo, because he tried to talk to her again, tried to do the same-ol same-ol. I'm guessing he said what he said to put up a front for her so that I'd back off. She says she's been ignoring him unless critical work-related things needed to be said. She says they haven't spoken. She says he's stopped hitting on her. I've continued to monitor the Verizon logs, but without saying anything.
A week or two passed, we hadn't really argued about it because I was of the assumption she was being truthful. At this time, I had been trying to act the way I had when we first met, which is what she said she wanted. She wanted me to be more flirty with her, to be more affectionate, So I began complimenting her a lot, hitting on her pretty blatantly, random hugs/kisseds again, etc. She seemed to enjoy it. At the same time, I'd suffer from what I'd call triggers and would immediately go into a sour mood. I knew she was wanting me to come to her, but I was intent to sit there and let her come to me, to prove things to me. Our sex life was shaky, and there was a lot of me waiting for her to come to me and prove to me she wanted to be with me.
At one point, she opened up a new checking account at a different bank than where we have our joint account. This was pretty much the "hey, this marriage is over" flag for me. She still maintains it was innocent... she wanted a more national bank with more available locations for deposit for her side-business. Oh, let's not forget the other red flag: she changed her direct deposit to this new account.
A couple days after that, I asked her "So what would you think if I opened up my own checking account?" I gave reasons that she did the same, so it should be okay, and it would allow me to better track where the money from my job was going, as I could just transfer to our joint account where we pay bills out of, but leave the rest in my account for groceries, gas, etc. We also have separate savings.
She was thrown off by this (could see it in her eyes/face), but said she was fine with it. She then went out to a meeting (she's a member of a local club for veterans, as her family has always been part of it). She met with her aunt and grandmother there. She told them about the bank account I was opening, probably told them about all of my trust issues and insecurities and how it's smothering her. They likely agreed with her.
She came home late that night, said I'd been acting weird and asked me the real reason behind the bank account. I repeated the same reasons from earlier. She told me she'd discussed it with others, and they said it's a huge red flag that I'm getting ready to leave. She admits she went to this other guy for advice (yeah, let's approach a guy who's obviously sexually interested in you for advice on our marriage; sounds like a terrible ****ing idea to me.) This was when she told me she needed a break from us. I'd always told her that I felt breaks were bull**** and were just a way to ease the guilt of the person doing the breaking up. I fought it for a while, we talked about the other guy, she maintains the reason for her wanting the break is NOT to go off with him or any other guy. I asked her if she's cheated on me, she says no. I didn't see an tells of a lie. She says she feels smothered again, can't live like this, etc. Eventually I agreed to go sleep downstairs, and that we would basically cohabitate. She said she wanted to date me again, she said we'd go out on dates. I eventually felt my rage rising, so just said let's talk about logistics and I'll go sleep downstairs, we can try it, but told her I'd be in pain the entire time, with thoughts running through my head. Blah blah blah.
I go downstairs and immediately text my buddy; he's very surprised, very supportive, and agrees she's likely trying to split up/divorce. He agrees that her actions with this other guy are at the very least EXTREMELY in appropriate, and that he would also be very pissed about it / not able to live with it. We both agree it's just my side of the story he's hearing, and I try my best to portray accruately/logically, but I don't feel that's possible in this situation.
I check verizon logs. Yup, she's been texting him for a couple hours before confronting me, and additionally texting him AFTER I left the bedroom. "What the **** is wrong with this woman?"
I call my mom; she had had a few drinks, but immediately called BULL**** on that. She told me I needed to kick her out. She told me that since it was my wife's choice to "take a break" (end the marriage), that my wife needed to leave. She agrees with me that she's in an emotional affair, and validates my feelings. I mention calling my wife's parents, my mom agrees. I do it.
Wife's dad was surprised; wife hadn't told him a lot (I say "of course not, that would make her look bad."). He says something to the effect of "if that's what's happening, I agree that she shouldn't be doing it." He says he doesn't think she's slept with him, but mentions "then again, who am I to say?" He's a deeply religious man, and I'm not, so he told me to pray on it, and that he'd pray for me. He said he thought I was a great father and son-in-law, and I thanked him and we said goodnight.
I spoke to her mom, and when I said "[wife] says she wants a break." her mom was very surprised and something like "I have no idea what's going through her head. I'm going to call her and kick her ass."
I spoke to my mom again, and then my buddy, and decided I would tell my wife to leave our marital home in the morning, after I'd slept on it some. Another buddy who was asleep and didn't wake up when I messaged later messaged me in the morning in agreement, that I should tell her to leave.
So, I did. I went up stairs, had a shower, got dressed to get ready for work, and said "[wife], we need to talk."
She woke up, groggy, said "okay" with a tone of "oh ****, here he goes again sarcasm."
I said "I talked to a few people last night, as you probably know. You said you wanted a break, and I'm not okay with that. I'm not going to do it. Since you're the one that wants this break, I want you to leave. I want you out." and left the room, went downstairs to cool off.
My daughter woke up a few minutes later, I went upstairs to get her but wife was already holding her (looked like she was using my daughter as a shoulder to cry on? unsure). I said "We can talk about this in five minutes", offered to take my daughter (wife declined) and went back downstairs. I went back up after 5 mins, she wasn't ready (had a very hateful look in her eye), I took my daughter downstairs and fixed her breakfast.
My son woke up, I fixed him breakfast. Wife eventually came downstairs and stared at the wall for a minute. More gaslighting, more blameshifting. Told me she'd called an attorney, who said "you have three options... cohabitate and see if you can get the spark back or "nest" (one parent in the house with the kids, other elsewhere, swap frequently), so you can try to date him again; otherwise, divorce." When she said that last option I looked her straight in the eye and nodded, maybe a little too enthusiastically. I'd like to note here, I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose my wife, or break up my family. But nor will I stand any longer for this attention seeking / emotional affair behavior, the disrespect, the gaslighting/blameshifting, the selfishness.
We wrote up a short contract agreeing that neither of us would try to take/withhold either child from either parent. We signed, dated, copied, filed the original away. This gave me some small peace of mind. This was yesterday. I took the day off work; again my boss understood and told me not to stress about work.
I was emotionally distant, mostly dark, to her the rest of the day. She texted me later saying she was "pouring her heart out to me and I can't bother responding." I responded later "You destroyed what was left of me last night. What do you expect." She texted later saying she was having a very bad day... that she was feeling completely worthless, and like she had ****ed everything up. She's still texting the other guy, all day, when she knows he is literally the only reason I'm pulling away. She knows I believe the break is her attempt to relieve her guilt while she distances herself from me (and she knows I believe it's an attempt to ease her guilt while getting closer with him).
She came home that night, went upstairs and immediately put on a sexy nighty. Came downstairs and cuddle up to me on the couch. I was still very upset, very angry, so didn't cuddle back. She picked up on my mood. I said "I appreciate the effort, but I'm way too hurt for that right now."
Again we get into a discussion. Again, more gaslighting, more blameshifting, more "it's completely innocent." She has the gall to ask me if I've ever cheated on her. (I haven't; I only talk to one other female, and I've known her for 20 years, only met her once and my wife (then girlfriend) was there (me and this girl met online when I was a kid), and we only talk once or twice every couple years; the last time we spoke until just recently was 2008). I look her straight in the eye and say "No. Never." She says "I haven't either. With [guy's name] or anybody. I haven't been with anybody but you since we got together."
She kept starting to cry; that and the gaslighting/blameshifting again put me in a defensive stance. I kept doubting myself and my position. I kept asking myself "wait, why don't I trust her? Am I that insecure?" I believe the gaslighting was having an effect on me. But that's why I'm here. I want to know if YOU think she's gaslighting me; if YOU think she's having an emotional affair.
We talked some more, nothing that I haven't mentioned before, nothing extremely interesting. She says "I'll let you finish your movie. You're welcome to join me in bed." 20 minutes later, I get a text from her asking if I'm coming. Part of me doesn't want to. Part of me does. I talk to my buddy some more. I decide to go upstairs... two hours later (I did finish my movie... Hercules with The Rock.... decent flick, nothing to write home about). I laid in bed not touching her for 30 minutes. Eventually, I placed my hand on her for a little while. She snuck a little closer. After a while, I rolled over and went to sleep.
Next thing I knew, she was cuddling up to me the next morning, and in my sleep-state I was cuddling back. At first it's face to face cuddling. Then she rolls around so that I'm spooning her. It was nice, but I couldn't help but think that it was either fake or had some type of ulterior motive. I eventually rolled over and fell back asleep. I hadn't been sleeping well that past week, especially the past two nights, so it wasn't difficult. I ended up later that morning taking a 3+ hour nap as well. Didn't actually get up for the day until 1pm, which is a first for me in at least 10 years.
I'm still finding myself incredibly hurt, incredibly cold towards her. But I have also found myself joking, laughing with her. She's still messaging back and forth with him all day.
We have a counseling session set up this coming week, our first. I'm torn at this point; I did contact an attorney. I'm tempted to go to the courthouse right now and try to file for an uncontested divorce, with joint custody, no financial support either way, etc. and see if she'll agree to it. I know that I won't be able to attempt to fix our marriage until I'm convinced she's no longer talking to this other guy. But there's a large part of me that is wounded because she broke my no-contact rule, and continues to do so, especially without regards to my feelings. When I say it hurts me, she tells me to stop being so controlling/insecure.
So, here I am, writing this. I want opinions. I want un-biased, no beating-around-the-bush opinions. I want to know if I'm validated in feeling the way I do and if I'm possibly being manipulated, or if I'm over-reacting/being insecure. My friends and mom/dad agree with me, but they are both biased parties, and while I value their opinions greatly, I also at this point want some un-biased advice.
Thank you for taking the time to read this gigantic wall of text, and for any advice/opinions you can offer.
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