I don't even know where to start... I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me to death. But he's been struggling with porn addiction since before we married (though I didn't know about it until after we had married) and it's absolutely tearing me to pieces. I've always told him that trust and honesty is more important to me in our relationship than anything else, and yet he has never, ever told me the truth about his watching porn. He denies it for days and weeks after I show him proof that I've caught him yet again, and then he'll finally admit it guiltily after seeing how much he's hurt me.
He always promises that the last time with porn was truly his last time. That he loves me no matter what and never wants to lose me, and he'll do anything to save our relationship. Sometimes we'll go half a year or more without issues, and our relationship will seem wonderful during this time, but it always ends. He always breaks down and goes back to obsessively watching porn. He once created a secret email address in order to buy a secret Netflix account for watching porn. And he's always looking for any tiny loophole in the child protection program on his computer that's meant to help him stop... Any time he finds a loophole, he goes porn crazy for weeks until I find out again and talk with him about it.
I cannot trust my husband. Everything he says about porn is lies and made up stories and crap. It's tearing me to pieces that I cannot trust my husband, the person who's supposed to my best friend throughout my entire life.
I hurt. I hurt so damn much. I want nothing more than to be able to trust him. I want nothing more than to have a happy relationship with the man I love. But I fear that everyday I'm falling a little less in love with him. Sometimes when I think of him, all I can think about are the reoccurring, heart-wrenching betrayals and it makes me resent him. I feel trapped, stuck, unhappy, and damaged. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was, the way we were. I'm afraid I'll never be able to love him quite the same way again. I'm not sure that I can handle having sex with him anymore, and I don't want him seeing my body either. I'm just ... I'm so lost. I can't handle this anymore and I'm so close to giving up (or maybe I already have... I dunno).
I love this man. But is love worth ruining my own well being and my own happiness?
He always promises that the last time with porn was truly his last time. That he loves me no matter what and never wants to lose me, and he'll do anything to save our relationship. Sometimes we'll go half a year or more without issues, and our relationship will seem wonderful during this time, but it always ends. He always breaks down and goes back to obsessively watching porn. He once created a secret email address in order to buy a secret Netflix account for watching porn. And he's always looking for any tiny loophole in the child protection program on his computer that's meant to help him stop... Any time he finds a loophole, he goes porn crazy for weeks until I find out again and talk with him about it.
I cannot trust my husband. Everything he says about porn is lies and made up stories and crap. It's tearing me to pieces that I cannot trust my husband, the person who's supposed to my best friend throughout my entire life.
I hurt. I hurt so damn much. I want nothing more than to be able to trust him. I want nothing more than to have a happy relationship with the man I love. But I fear that everyday I'm falling a little less in love with him. Sometimes when I think of him, all I can think about are the reoccurring, heart-wrenching betrayals and it makes me resent him. I feel trapped, stuck, unhappy, and damaged. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was, the way we were. I'm afraid I'll never be able to love him quite the same way again. I'm not sure that I can handle having sex with him anymore, and I don't want him seeing my body either. I'm just ... I'm so lost. I can't handle this anymore and I'm so close to giving up (or maybe I already have... I dunno).
I love this man. But is love worth ruining my own well being and my own happiness?
Put the internet to work for you.
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