New member. Some history: Married 25 years. At year about 6, DH admitted to having an affair with co-worker. He claimed it was short-lived, a lot of flirting, phone calls, (pre-cellphone era). It finally culminated in a make-out session in a car in a McDonalds parking lot. He got scared, he broke it off. OW got mad, they had some nasty words, then she lost her job there, and he had no further contact with her. He claims start to finish, this affair lasted 2 months.
At the time, we had just signed paperwork to buy my dream home, (old home with 11 acres). He begged for forgiveness, never would happen again, he learned his lesson, Yadda, Yadda.
If I left him, I would have had to give up the farm idea. So, I took him back and moved to my dream farm.
He has always been somewhat immature, and self-centered.
We had 10 good, (no more affairs) on the farm and got a really good offer from the local coal company and sold out.
Moved to the suburbs. He started going to a local open mic/beer garden. Met a lot of new friends, started to exclude me. Formed a duo with another musician and started getting playing jobs, as a little second income.
Fast forward a year. I was diagnosed with cancer. Had surgery, chemo-the whole deal. Right in the middle of that-I discovered he was currently having an EA with his band groupie and had just finished an EA with an old FB flame.
Big blowout, started counseling. He quit the band, stopped all contact with OW. I got total access to phone/passwords, etc. Put tracking app on his phone.
He has made a lot of changes for the good of the marriage, but he could never be honest about his behavior. I finally threatened to leave and he spilled. Dear God. About 6 different EAs, drug use. The stuff he had told me about was incorrect. I think the only reason he had told me about the co-worker affair was that he worried she would rat him out. It has been like tooth and nails to get him to tell me a straight story. Several times, something hasn't made sense and when I press him for details-he has changed his story. Some of these things were in my face lies, others MAY have been long ago muddled details.
I was blown away at the amount of deception over the years. We continue with counseling. Now, due to aftermath of cancer-I am financially dependent on him and can't afford to live alone.
Still having problems believing him. He claims he can't remember all of the details, and he's come clean about the obvious lies. "It's over so can't I let it go, he knows he'll never do any of those things again-so can't we just move forward".
He say's he's trying to move forward but my suspicions and questions have us in a holding pattern. I want to know why he can't be honest with me. He says he's told me everything but I frequently catch him in a slip. For instance: I asked him if he sent the one EA any gifts, and he said, 'no'. Then she posted a picture of something on FB that I recognized. I went to look for it, and it was gone-busted. He said, ' I really had forgotten about that'. He has been like an open book about the present, but I am haunted about the details of the past.
How do I know when it's time to let go of the past?
At the time, we had just signed paperwork to buy my dream home, (old home with 11 acres). He begged for forgiveness, never would happen again, he learned his lesson, Yadda, Yadda.
If I left him, I would have had to give up the farm idea. So, I took him back and moved to my dream farm.
He has always been somewhat immature, and self-centered.
We had 10 good, (no more affairs) on the farm and got a really good offer from the local coal company and sold out.
Moved to the suburbs. He started going to a local open mic/beer garden. Met a lot of new friends, started to exclude me. Formed a duo with another musician and started getting playing jobs, as a little second income.
Fast forward a year. I was diagnosed with cancer. Had surgery, chemo-the whole deal. Right in the middle of that-I discovered he was currently having an EA with his band groupie and had just finished an EA with an old FB flame.
Big blowout, started counseling. He quit the band, stopped all contact with OW. I got total access to phone/passwords, etc. Put tracking app on his phone.
He has made a lot of changes for the good of the marriage, but he could never be honest about his behavior. I finally threatened to leave and he spilled. Dear God. About 6 different EAs, drug use. The stuff he had told me about was incorrect. I think the only reason he had told me about the co-worker affair was that he worried she would rat him out. It has been like tooth and nails to get him to tell me a straight story. Several times, something hasn't made sense and when I press him for details-he has changed his story. Some of these things were in my face lies, others MAY have been long ago muddled details.
I was blown away at the amount of deception over the years. We continue with counseling. Now, due to aftermath of cancer-I am financially dependent on him and can't afford to live alone.
Still having problems believing him. He claims he can't remember all of the details, and he's come clean about the obvious lies. "It's over so can't I let it go, he knows he'll never do any of those things again-so can't we just move forward".
He say's he's trying to move forward but my suspicions and questions have us in a holding pattern. I want to know why he can't be honest with me. He says he's told me everything but I frequently catch him in a slip. For instance: I asked him if he sent the one EA any gifts, and he said, 'no'. Then she posted a picture of something on FB that I recognized. I went to look for it, and it was gone-busted. He said, ' I really had forgotten about that'. He has been like an open book about the present, but I am haunted about the details of the past.
How do I know when it's time to let go of the past?
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