Looking for help or advice. Sorry about the long post.
My wife and i have been working to reconcile after my affair was discovered two and a half years ago. We have both been frequenting the reconciliation forum and have received much advice and comment on the reconciliation process there.
much of the reconciliation is going ok and we are in many ways making progress. i have taken ownership of what i did and understand the devastation i have caused and am trying to work to rebuild our relationship and build a safe emotional and physical environment for my wife.
A major barrier though, which is threatening to destroy our reconciliation is problems with sex caused by attacks of what i can only describe as anxiety during sex. these lead to a failure to perform which devastate my wife for obvious reasons.
i want to be clear i have no feelings for the affair partner any more, either emotional or sexual. i hate the thought of her now and wish i had never met her let alone had a PA with her. I rarely think of her and never fondly. I love my wife and find her sexually attractive. I have had no contact with the AP since the affair ended.
After the affair was dicovered my wife and i had loads of sex which i now know is not unusual (hysterical bonding?). but over time sex has become more problematic and increasingly stressful for both of us. We both want to reconcile and build a passionate marriage but this is preventing it from happenning and is devastating my wife.
When sex is quick and 'animalistic' there is no problem and I can perform with no problem although my wife understandably regards this as me emptying my balls and puts limited value on it. When we have more intimate, slow and meaningful sex things are fine for a while but then I hit a 'wall'. It pops into my head that i could fail and i start to analyse what is happenning rather than relax and enjoy. Then i visualise the failure and the implications (her anger and sorrow, my humiliation and withdrawl) which has been played out many times. She will tell me i had no problem having sex with the AP and had no problem having sex with her in the past. She will feel it is because i cannot let go of the AP and/or no longer find her sexy (which is not true). it is agony for us both but especially her and i truly hate that it happens.
She also claims that since i realised (through reading as part of the reconciliation process) how important sex is to rebuilding the relationship i am using it as a passive aggressive weapon either consciously or sub-consciously. I have learned finally to be able to be honest about my feelings and motivations and am certain this is not true. I hate the pain she has been through and is going through and want sex to be part of the healing for us both. When we have successful sex it is wonderful and i feel wonderful and at peace, why would i not want this.
I have viagra which can be used to overcome the effects of the anxiety during sex but we agreed that i would tell her when i had taken some. As a result she feels humiliated if i use it as it means i am only performing because of the drug not because of my feelings for her.
it feels like a vicious circle, the more pain it causes the more anxious i become. Apart from using viagra i don' t know how to break the cycle.
Maybe there are no answers other than for me to 'man up' and 'get a grip' (advice i have received before) and if it were that easy i would.
Any thoughts welcome, even critical ones as i am well aware that my choice to have an affair was the route cause of this and am under no illusions as to my culpability and the devastation i have caused.
Thank you for listening.
My wife and i have been working to reconcile after my affair was discovered two and a half years ago. We have both been frequenting the reconciliation forum and have received much advice and comment on the reconciliation process there.
much of the reconciliation is going ok and we are in many ways making progress. i have taken ownership of what i did and understand the devastation i have caused and am trying to work to rebuild our relationship and build a safe emotional and physical environment for my wife.
A major barrier though, which is threatening to destroy our reconciliation is problems with sex caused by attacks of what i can only describe as anxiety during sex. these lead to a failure to perform which devastate my wife for obvious reasons.
i want to be clear i have no feelings for the affair partner any more, either emotional or sexual. i hate the thought of her now and wish i had never met her let alone had a PA with her. I rarely think of her and never fondly. I love my wife and find her sexually attractive. I have had no contact with the AP since the affair ended.
After the affair was dicovered my wife and i had loads of sex which i now know is not unusual (hysterical bonding?). but over time sex has become more problematic and increasingly stressful for both of us. We both want to reconcile and build a passionate marriage but this is preventing it from happenning and is devastating my wife.
When sex is quick and 'animalistic' there is no problem and I can perform with no problem although my wife understandably regards this as me emptying my balls and puts limited value on it. When we have more intimate, slow and meaningful sex things are fine for a while but then I hit a 'wall'. It pops into my head that i could fail and i start to analyse what is happenning rather than relax and enjoy. Then i visualise the failure and the implications (her anger and sorrow, my humiliation and withdrawl) which has been played out many times. She will tell me i had no problem having sex with the AP and had no problem having sex with her in the past. She will feel it is because i cannot let go of the AP and/or no longer find her sexy (which is not true). it is agony for us both but especially her and i truly hate that it happens.
She also claims that since i realised (through reading as part of the reconciliation process) how important sex is to rebuilding the relationship i am using it as a passive aggressive weapon either consciously or sub-consciously. I have learned finally to be able to be honest about my feelings and motivations and am certain this is not true. I hate the pain she has been through and is going through and want sex to be part of the healing for us both. When we have successful sex it is wonderful and i feel wonderful and at peace, why would i not want this.
I have viagra which can be used to overcome the effects of the anxiety during sex but we agreed that i would tell her when i had taken some. As a result she feels humiliated if i use it as it means i am only performing because of the drug not because of my feelings for her.
it feels like a vicious circle, the more pain it causes the more anxious i become. Apart from using viagra i don' t know how to break the cycle.
Maybe there are no answers other than for me to 'man up' and 'get a grip' (advice i have received before) and if it were that easy i would.
Any thoughts welcome, even critical ones as i am well aware that my choice to have an affair was the route cause of this and am under no illusions as to my culpability and the devastation i have caused.
Thank you for listening.
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