Hi all, first post here so my apologies if it is in the wrong place. Also pre-apologies for the essay but will start from the top.
I met my wife just over 2.5 years ago and she was perfect, everything we ever dreamed of. After three months I asked her to marry me and she agreed after she said she wanted to see me more. (She is from the Midlands and I am from the South East). So we got to work planning the wedding while I was working Monday to Friday and traveling up to her parents every weekend to see her... Every Sunday night when I had to leave to get back for work we were both in tears on the doorstep.
We carried on like that and took our first proper holiday together to Cornwall where she grew up. She was thankful because I took her back there and I said we should move here as I always wanted to move somewhere way out and by the sea. She was over the moon!
So time went on and we visited back there numerous times to look at houses and eventually found a place... I quit my job to move there together after my parents aid 6 months rent for us to get our feet off the ground. It turned out the house we took was badly built and the landlord was a con man so we left the place breaking the contract and the landlord refused t give any money back at all...
With nowhere to go my wife's mum (divorced her dad so lives alone) offered us to go back there to stay until we find somewhere else. It was ok for my wife as she pretty much just went home, whereas I decided to move in with her so we didn't have to go back to only having weekends together. I agreed to move in with the mother in law...
At first it was great, we were together and had a stable place t stay together... I eventually found a job there after numerous failed attempts. I then started to get fed up as 3 months down the line were still at her mums... fine for my wife but for me it was the fact of living under someone else's roof under their rules, I cant do what I want and was starting to get to me...
We started looking for our own place which had to be nearby my wifes mums as she didn't want to leave her on her own which I agreed simply as I was showing a bit of compassion.
We found a flat closeby but the deal fell through and another month passed with no word. I mentioned it again to my wife that I was getting fed up there with no space or time together without her mum.
My wife then got a high paying job however it was long shift hours and very stressful because of the people she worked with. The routine then started and things started to go wrong... she would come home every night and tell the stories of what happened at work until it was time for bed, my interests were low in her job anyway so talking about it was fine for a bit but after I while I started to not talk about it... instead my wife spoke to her mum and I was left with no one to talk to in someone elses house while she spoke to her mum instead.
The arguments began saying that we never talk, to which my argument was we don't have anything to talk about other than her work as we dont go out together and we are always stuck in her mums house...
The rift grew from that and we eventually found the perfect house as I was saying that once we got our own place like married couples should, we would have our own space and do what we want, therefor creating more to talk about...
I paid the £200 deposit but she wouldn't sign her bit, I kept asking why and she argued telling me not to keep nagging about it. I said you cant blame me for wanting to get our own place quicker, to which she wouldnt reply.
It got to the stage we dont talk to each other, shes having digs because im at her mums house... for example I ask her mum what to do with the dinner plate and she says leave it on the side so I do but then my wife starts saying that I dont put the effort in and clear it up anyway. Which I have spoken to her mum and she said she wuldnt expect me to anyway...
It broke and her mum asked us both separately whats going on and I asked numerous times until I got a reply why she wouldn't sign for the house. She then told me that she wasnt going to sign anything while we are like this.. Which begins the endless loop...
I want to move out because I am fed up with no space or time together away from her mum and her house which is causing us to not talk because my wife is speaking to her mum all the time, yet my wife wont move out because we wont talk. Surely the solution would be to move out right? That's what we got married for really...
Nothing was said again until the mother in law had to speak out to which my wife told her shes not ready to move out and that I was pushing her into getting the house. I then spoke to my wife on her own and she said that I need to grow up (we are 22 and 23) as I don't look after myself, dont bother to make myself look nice when we go out or anything and shes fed up of having to do it for me. I said to her I have always been that day since we first got together and even before that... I am happy to stick some trackies and a hoodie on, it's what I have always done. Her reply was yes but your 23 now, don't you think its time to grow up, you seam perfectly happy to stay as you are...
Now that has made me think, all this time since we got married she has been thinking I have changed, to be honest I thought the same about her. I read up on this and it's the rose tinted glasses before we were married, and now we are married we are seeing each other in a new light.
Again though my argument is if we have our own place we can work on things like that, whereas being at her mums is holding us back in what we can do and pulling us apart. Her reply then was her mum needs her after the cornwall situation... I have spoken to her mum before about that and she said she doesn't want her to stay all the time, thats not right when we are married and that she will be fine on her own...
So I think the issue there is my wife doesn't want to leave her mum and has got settled back at home.
It's come down to three options really and I don't think any have a god outcome...
1) I stay at her mums and change myself, but then I am lieing to myself that I want to be there and pretending to be someone I am not.
2) I move out to my own place in her area so we have our own space, she can stay at her mums and go from there. But then the issue is the cost of that on my own and the fact I still wouldn't see her as she would still be working and going to her mums all the time talking about her work. That also means if I were to g back home to my parents in the South East we would have even less time.
3) The one no one wants is to go our separate ways which will destroy us both and everything we ever had.
I am stuck now and that decision has been left with me which is tearing me apart, so many thoughts going through my head about what to do in the present and then an image of the past we had together comes to me and I simply break down in tears. Yes I know, a 23 year old guy in tears but she really is my whole world and I know nothing without her anymore.
Has anyone got any advice? If I stay at her mums things will get worse, yet if I go find my own place we wont see each other in which case its as good as going our separate ways...
I met my wife just over 2.5 years ago and she was perfect, everything we ever dreamed of. After three months I asked her to marry me and she agreed after she said she wanted to see me more. (She is from the Midlands and I am from the South East). So we got to work planning the wedding while I was working Monday to Friday and traveling up to her parents every weekend to see her... Every Sunday night when I had to leave to get back for work we were both in tears on the doorstep.
We carried on like that and took our first proper holiday together to Cornwall where she grew up. She was thankful because I took her back there and I said we should move here as I always wanted to move somewhere way out and by the sea. She was over the moon!
So time went on and we visited back there numerous times to look at houses and eventually found a place... I quit my job to move there together after my parents aid 6 months rent for us to get our feet off the ground. It turned out the house we took was badly built and the landlord was a con man so we left the place breaking the contract and the landlord refused t give any money back at all...
With nowhere to go my wife's mum (divorced her dad so lives alone) offered us to go back there to stay until we find somewhere else. It was ok for my wife as she pretty much just went home, whereas I decided to move in with her so we didn't have to go back to only having weekends together. I agreed to move in with the mother in law...
At first it was great, we were together and had a stable place t stay together... I eventually found a job there after numerous failed attempts. I then started to get fed up as 3 months down the line were still at her mums... fine for my wife but for me it was the fact of living under someone else's roof under their rules, I cant do what I want and was starting to get to me...
We started looking for our own place which had to be nearby my wifes mums as she didn't want to leave her on her own which I agreed simply as I was showing a bit of compassion.
We found a flat closeby but the deal fell through and another month passed with no word. I mentioned it again to my wife that I was getting fed up there with no space or time together without her mum.
My wife then got a high paying job however it was long shift hours and very stressful because of the people she worked with. The routine then started and things started to go wrong... she would come home every night and tell the stories of what happened at work until it was time for bed, my interests were low in her job anyway so talking about it was fine for a bit but after I while I started to not talk about it... instead my wife spoke to her mum and I was left with no one to talk to in someone elses house while she spoke to her mum instead.
The arguments began saying that we never talk, to which my argument was we don't have anything to talk about other than her work as we dont go out together and we are always stuck in her mums house...
The rift grew from that and we eventually found the perfect house as I was saying that once we got our own place like married couples should, we would have our own space and do what we want, therefor creating more to talk about...
I paid the £200 deposit but she wouldn't sign her bit, I kept asking why and she argued telling me not to keep nagging about it. I said you cant blame me for wanting to get our own place quicker, to which she wouldnt reply.
It got to the stage we dont talk to each other, shes having digs because im at her mums house... for example I ask her mum what to do with the dinner plate and she says leave it on the side so I do but then my wife starts saying that I dont put the effort in and clear it up anyway. Which I have spoken to her mum and she said she wuldnt expect me to anyway...
It broke and her mum asked us both separately whats going on and I asked numerous times until I got a reply why she wouldn't sign for the house. She then told me that she wasnt going to sign anything while we are like this.. Which begins the endless loop...
I want to move out because I am fed up with no space or time together away from her mum and her house which is causing us to not talk because my wife is speaking to her mum all the time, yet my wife wont move out because we wont talk. Surely the solution would be to move out right? That's what we got married for really...
Nothing was said again until the mother in law had to speak out to which my wife told her shes not ready to move out and that I was pushing her into getting the house. I then spoke to my wife on her own and she said that I need to grow up (we are 22 and 23) as I don't look after myself, dont bother to make myself look nice when we go out or anything and shes fed up of having to do it for me. I said to her I have always been that day since we first got together and even before that... I am happy to stick some trackies and a hoodie on, it's what I have always done. Her reply was yes but your 23 now, don't you think its time to grow up, you seam perfectly happy to stay as you are...
Now that has made me think, all this time since we got married she has been thinking I have changed, to be honest I thought the same about her. I read up on this and it's the rose tinted glasses before we were married, and now we are married we are seeing each other in a new light.
Again though my argument is if we have our own place we can work on things like that, whereas being at her mums is holding us back in what we can do and pulling us apart. Her reply then was her mum needs her after the cornwall situation... I have spoken to her mum before about that and she said she doesn't want her to stay all the time, thats not right when we are married and that she will be fine on her own...
So I think the issue there is my wife doesn't want to leave her mum and has got settled back at home.
It's come down to three options really and I don't think any have a god outcome...
1) I stay at her mums and change myself, but then I am lieing to myself that I want to be there and pretending to be someone I am not.
2) I move out to my own place in her area so we have our own space, she can stay at her mums and go from there. But then the issue is the cost of that on my own and the fact I still wouldn't see her as she would still be working and going to her mums all the time talking about her work. That also means if I were to g back home to my parents in the South East we would have even less time.
3) The one no one wants is to go our separate ways which will destroy us both and everything we ever had.
I am stuck now and that decision has been left with me which is tearing me apart, so many thoughts going through my head about what to do in the present and then an image of the past we had together comes to me and I simply break down in tears. Yes I know, a 23 year old guy in tears but she really is my whole world and I know nothing without her anymore.
Has anyone got any advice? If I stay at her mums things will get worse, yet if I go find my own place we wont see each other in which case its as good as going our separate ways...
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