The most gut-wrenching moment of DD for me was when my mind kept showing me the picture of my husband coming home at nights for those 6+ years and lying beside me in the bed, knowing fully well he had been in contact with the AP prior to coming home. The most fearful feelings engulfed me because I realized I did not know who he was at all and after 14 years. I thought I knew, but I was wrong. It made me realize how vulnerable I had been. The closest person in the world to me, was not my friend and if he wasn't that to me, what was he? I imagined that if there had been no DD and we continued for another 14 years, when I would eventually pass away, she would probably show up at my funeral to console him...a stranger acting like a past co-worker of mine or his or something...A stranger to my children, my siblings, my parents...On and on...The thought blew me away...They would have gotten away with it seamlessly...
This is what I struggled with during the whole (false) reconciliation which has now lead to divorce (again). I am stuck in the sense that I do not know what to think of myself for having been so trusting and "at risk" at the same time. His ability to lie, hide etc...for secrets, a secret life...is flabbergasting, never mind his ability to keep me hooked via making me believe he is a Christian. He talked like a Christian, acted like a Christian but in the background he evidenced a legion, an alternate lifestyle. Betrayal on numerous levels. I had not been able to reconcile with his propensity to betray. All the other reconciliations required within a reconciliation became moot.
How does one reconcile with one's-self for allowing this? Since he was capable of pulling it off for 6 years (that I know of), what else is he capable of?
This is what I struggled with during the whole (false) reconciliation which has now lead to divorce (again). I am stuck in the sense that I do not know what to think of myself for having been so trusting and "at risk" at the same time. His ability to lie, hide etc...for secrets, a secret life...is flabbergasting, never mind his ability to keep me hooked via making me believe he is a Christian. He talked like a Christian, acted like a Christian but in the background he evidenced a legion, an alternate lifestyle. Betrayal on numerous levels. I had not been able to reconcile with his propensity to betray. All the other reconciliations required within a reconciliation became moot.
How does one reconcile with one's-self for allowing this? Since he was capable of pulling it off for 6 years (that I know of), what else is he capable of?
Put the internet to work for you.
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