This is my first post as a new member....
I'm not sure whether i'm here to vent or ask for advice; probably bit of both. This is hard for me to talk about.
I've been married for 9 years this coming October and after working in my career for the past 15 years (as a single and married employee) i left the workforce in late 2011 when my first born was 8 months old because it was too hard to balance quality of life and my son's needs. The best decision i've made! and one DH was completely on board too.
Things are coming to a head with DH, not sure if it's because i'm a SAHM, or just the general hard phase of adjusting our household with a new baby along with a 3 year old who is transiting. But we fight almost on a daily basis, some of it very petty stuff. i.e who did what, etc but other times it's over deeper issues as DH seems largely resentful of me being at home, "doing nothing" while he is slaving away at work. I would remind him that it was a decision WE both made, and that i'm far from doing nothing, even with DS1 in private preschool 3x a week. I feel it's one of problems within our marriage. He is quite inflexible with a very reactive personality. Something his own family members even attributed about him too! but those said family members aren't too great, so i took it with big grain of salt. Now i'm so seeing it is the case. I'm not perfect, far from it and do agree with some of his points on my flaws, but in the big picture i feel like my flaws isn't affecting EV ERYBODY in this household. His moods really brings me down, and in turn that makes me a cranky mom to the boys which is completely unfair to them. i really don't know where it went wrong...but i feel like every day is such a battle, I already feel wore out just from dealing with DS1 who is starting his terrible 3's with his no's, this or that and general tantrums.
If i'm being really honest with myself, there were a red flag or two about him but i ignored it, as the first 5 years of marriage was relatively good. However, looking back that was because i was just too darn busy working and had a helluva long commute. So, the bulk of time i would spend with him is largely weekends, as he was early to bed, and early riser which left us 2-3 hours of company in evenings during work-week.
Fast forward to 4.5 years later, 2 kids later and a house and i feel like all he does is put me down, and expects too much of me. It's the biggest point between us, as he feels he isn't asking too much whereas I do feel he does. Whenever he gets onto me for "not doing things right" around the house, or not stepping up enough, we fight and i often retort saying how I'd love to see him home for an entire week using his vacation with just the kiddso and see how he handles. He would often hang over my head that he brings in the bacon, never mind the fact i was carrying us on my insurance for 6 friggin years cuz i had the better coverage or the fact my salary enabled us to bring in a significant downpayment on our current home he enjoys a lot! i am just down with the state of my marriage.
no matter how often i tell him how belitting it is for me, and for himself too; it still happens every few days to every week. he just doesn't respect me as a person, nor what i do for him to make his home comfortable. I'm currently in therapy with a therapist, just to keep afloat of my own emotions regarding him and my state of affairs with him. Most days i dread 3:30-4pm since it means he's coming home, coupled with the fact he works from home 2x a week and never goes out AT ALL, to give me space.
He complains a lot, isn't generally happy despite having an awesome job (one that is only 10 mins away from home, ability to work from home 2x weekly, and still gets to come home early if he wants to as long his work is complete; like now for the world cup!) and 2 awesome boys. i'm always enocuraging him to go out with friends to golfing, etc. Recently he went out of town for 2 nights to celebrate a friend's 50th and it was just sooooo blissful in my home, which made me realize having him around is just very toxic for me. He had a heart attack 3 years ago when my son was only 5 weeks ago, you would think that have made him change his outlook completely, nope! he's still so reactive, flies off at the littliest thing, calls me a liar if i don't answer him fast enough as he thinks i'm "thinking" how to lie by pausing for too long.
He does have a lot of good points, which is JUST about the only reason im trying to stay and hang in; he's a hard worker, cuz if i ask him to do errands or help, he'll do it with no questions asked, is a good provider and when in a good mood, he can be a good guy as we're not the couple that just talks about kids whenever we're alone. i just don't know what to do and am at my wit ends, as i'm at the point of questioning whether his good qualities is enough to stay with him or consider alternative options??
On top of it all, he's on me about my apperances and weight...never mind the fact i just had his baby 5 months ago and actually weigh less NOW than i did 2 years ago when i was between kiddo 1 and 2. Never mind the fact he isn't all that himself, it would be one thing if he was a complete hottie and if i wasn't aware of how i look without any effort to do anything. But i am aware i need and WANT to lose 20 pounds, but it takes time for me considering i have a 3 year old and 5 months old baby at home with me. All of this just makes me not loving him, and treat him more of as a roommate or a business partner rather than my husband.
sorry to have rambled so long and if you got to this, thank you for reading my novel!!!
I'm not sure whether i'm here to vent or ask for advice; probably bit of both. This is hard for me to talk about.
I've been married for 9 years this coming October and after working in my career for the past 15 years (as a single and married employee) i left the workforce in late 2011 when my first born was 8 months old because it was too hard to balance quality of life and my son's needs. The best decision i've made! and one DH was completely on board too.
Things are coming to a head with DH, not sure if it's because i'm a SAHM, or just the general hard phase of adjusting our household with a new baby along with a 3 year old who is transiting. But we fight almost on a daily basis, some of it very petty stuff. i.e who did what, etc but other times it's over deeper issues as DH seems largely resentful of me being at home, "doing nothing" while he is slaving away at work. I would remind him that it was a decision WE both made, and that i'm far from doing nothing, even with DS1 in private preschool 3x a week. I feel it's one of problems within our marriage. He is quite inflexible with a very reactive personality. Something his own family members even attributed about him too! but those said family members aren't too great, so i took it with big grain of salt. Now i'm so seeing it is the case. I'm not perfect, far from it and do agree with some of his points on my flaws, but in the big picture i feel like my flaws isn't affecting EV ERYBODY in this household. His moods really brings me down, and in turn that makes me a cranky mom to the boys which is completely unfair to them. i really don't know where it went wrong...but i feel like every day is such a battle, I already feel wore out just from dealing with DS1 who is starting his terrible 3's with his no's, this or that and general tantrums.
If i'm being really honest with myself, there were a red flag or two about him but i ignored it, as the first 5 years of marriage was relatively good. However, looking back that was because i was just too darn busy working and had a helluva long commute. So, the bulk of time i would spend with him is largely weekends, as he was early to bed, and early riser which left us 2-3 hours of company in evenings during work-week.
Fast forward to 4.5 years later, 2 kids later and a house and i feel like all he does is put me down, and expects too much of me. It's the biggest point between us, as he feels he isn't asking too much whereas I do feel he does. Whenever he gets onto me for "not doing things right" around the house, or not stepping up enough, we fight and i often retort saying how I'd love to see him home for an entire week using his vacation with just the kiddso and see how he handles. He would often hang over my head that he brings in the bacon, never mind the fact i was carrying us on my insurance for 6 friggin years cuz i had the better coverage or the fact my salary enabled us to bring in a significant downpayment on our current home he enjoys a lot! i am just down with the state of my marriage.
no matter how often i tell him how belitting it is for me, and for himself too; it still happens every few days to every week. he just doesn't respect me as a person, nor what i do for him to make his home comfortable. I'm currently in therapy with a therapist, just to keep afloat of my own emotions regarding him and my state of affairs with him. Most days i dread 3:30-4pm since it means he's coming home, coupled with the fact he works from home 2x a week and never goes out AT ALL, to give me space.
He complains a lot, isn't generally happy despite having an awesome job (one that is only 10 mins away from home, ability to work from home 2x weekly, and still gets to come home early if he wants to as long his work is complete; like now for the world cup!) and 2 awesome boys. i'm always enocuraging him to go out with friends to golfing, etc. Recently he went out of town for 2 nights to celebrate a friend's 50th and it was just sooooo blissful in my home, which made me realize having him around is just very toxic for me. He had a heart attack 3 years ago when my son was only 5 weeks ago, you would think that have made him change his outlook completely, nope! he's still so reactive, flies off at the littliest thing, calls me a liar if i don't answer him fast enough as he thinks i'm "thinking" how to lie by pausing for too long.
He does have a lot of good points, which is JUST about the only reason im trying to stay and hang in; he's a hard worker, cuz if i ask him to do errands or help, he'll do it with no questions asked, is a good provider and when in a good mood, he can be a good guy as we're not the couple that just talks about kids whenever we're alone. i just don't know what to do and am at my wit ends, as i'm at the point of questioning whether his good qualities is enough to stay with him or consider alternative options??
On top of it all, he's on me about my apperances and weight...never mind the fact i just had his baby 5 months ago and actually weigh less NOW than i did 2 years ago when i was between kiddo 1 and 2. Never mind the fact he isn't all that himself, it would be one thing if he was a complete hottie and if i wasn't aware of how i look without any effort to do anything. But i am aware i need and WANT to lose 20 pounds, but it takes time for me considering i have a 3 year old and 5 months old baby at home with me. All of this just makes me not loving him, and treat him more of as a roommate or a business partner rather than my husband.
sorry to have rambled so long and if you got to this, thank you for reading my novel!!!
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