My husband suddenly tells me he is not happy with our marriage, and if things don't change he can't deal with it. It seems that things like having a messy house and my lack of care for my appearance (I've NEVER liked wearing makeup) as well as a few other similar things make him feel like I'm not putting effort into the relationship. He also mentioned not feeling considered, listened to, or respected when it comes to certain choices regarding raising our little baby. Those things are obviously relational and I can work on them. But the other stuff - how much do I change about myself just because he isn't happy with it? He comes home from working very hard every day, looks around the room, shakes his head and sighs. That is not very motivational. He hates clutter. I hate dirty socks living under his desk for a month at a time, but guess what - I've learned to live with it. He's saying these are things he NEEDS, and I've learned to be wary of judgi ng someone elses needs. For example, men's needs are things women don't really believe at first, and visa versa. But really? Do I learn to clean HIS way just to save our marriage? And more importantly - will that really save it? I am an absent minded woman, so I don't see actually succeeding at this every day for decades on end without a daily checklist. And if I'm following a daily checklist just to make sure he doesn't leave me, I will be resentful.
This has happened before, and was centered more around my appearance. The first time, I realized I hadn't known how important these things were to him, and promised to make an effort. To him, making an effort is either "do it, or don't". To me, it's knowing what's important to him and deviating from my normal routine on occasion in order to show him I love him. Again - how much do I change about myself to make him happy?
One other thing that keeps coming up is that I am weak. I get overwhelmed by a messy house, so I am weak. I consider all the options and discuss them, but don't really care either way, so I let him decide, so I'm weak. I get emotional and cry and vent and talk and it makes me feel better... what would I do without him? The same thing, but without him. That's just how I work through things and now he's a part of it - but it makes him think I'm weak. He feels like he has to coddle me and "be my father". He grew up around really strong women. I have always been a weaker personality - but not a weak person. How can I make him see this?
How can I show him I love him without compromising who I am? If I try to please him, will he EVER be satisfied?
This has happened before, and was centered more around my appearance. The first time, I realized I hadn't known how important these things were to him, and promised to make an effort. To him, making an effort is either "do it, or don't". To me, it's knowing what's important to him and deviating from my normal routine on occasion in order to show him I love him. Again - how much do I change about myself to make him happy?
One other thing that keeps coming up is that I am weak. I get overwhelmed by a messy house, so I am weak. I consider all the options and discuss them, but don't really care either way, so I let him decide, so I'm weak. I get emotional and cry and vent and talk and it makes me feel better... what would I do without him? The same thing, but without him. That's just how I work through things and now he's a part of it - but it makes him think I'm weak. He feels like he has to coddle me and "be my father". He grew up around really strong women. I have always been a weaker personality - but not a weak person. How can I make him see this?
How can I show him I love him without compromising who I am? If I try to please him, will he EVER be satisfied?
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