My wife and I have been married almost 11 years. We got off to a bad start because we were involved in an abusive ultra conservative church that all but forbid me from marring her.
After we were married, we got pregnant, with twins, but we lost the second daughter shortly before birth.
We ended up leaving the abusive church that same year and have attended three other churches in the remaining 10 years.
I was once a minister in two of the churches, but never completely healed from the years of abuse.
To add to this, my wife has always had a weight problem and is self conscious of this. She tries and fails with keeping off the weight, and is even on Prozac for her problems.
Her low self esteem means that she does not take care on how she dresses most of the time and she will not keep (or help much with the house) I do 95% of the laundry and cleaning, she will cook.
In short she is a hoarder, and it is a constant fight (for me) to keep the front and main house clean and presentable. I am responsible for the lawns and house and about 20% of the cooking.
What is worse is, my daughters are picking up her slovenly habits!
She wanted pets and she got dogs. they stayed in kennels to the point of abuse I would say. we have our daughters water, feed and play with them. I put them in our large back yard.
Over the years we were able to purchase two houses (one is a rental) and are sending our daughters to a small Christian school.
With the anxiety of the past, and my inability to say no we have a significant amount of debt and we have 3 judgements against us for credit card debt and soon a time-share foreclosure.
Everything looks OK on the outside, but we have several blow-up arguments about every 3 to 6 months. I am told I am thoughtless, don't meet her emotional needs and am selfish. She constantly brings up the past church we came from and when I say "You haven't forgiven me for being in that church" she states "You never changed!!"
I feel like I am doing a lot, I just miss social cues all the time. She says I don't meet her real needs, and argues about Mazlo's hierarchy of needs.
Another turn for the worst is this:
1. In 10 months all of our parents have died (They were all in or near their 80's)
2. We don't have a lot of mutual friends since we switch churches and both work nights, in fact we hardly see each other.
3. We have been fighting about sex for 3-7 years. In fact it has been 8 or so years since she has initiated it! And when we do have sex (Not since January) it's a fight to get it!
In our last argument
I was given an ultimatum:
"Get your poop together or we are pretty much finished"
I came from a family where my dad was a philanderer and my mother played the silently suffering martyr. In the end my dad was in a nursing home, and my mother was a bitter old woman. I want to stay faithful to my wife, but the constant turmoil of:
1. not knowing what I'm really doing wrong
2. her unwilling to change herself
3. the feeling that the house and home isn't getting any better
4. The offer for counseling refused several times
I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't want to be my mom or my dad.
another trouble is the fact that I was depressed to the point of seeing a psychologist. I tried two different times over the years. The last one brought out something that I readily noticed. I would complain about all these things and the burden seemed to be lifted. I felt guilty to say those things about my wife and talked more, but problems got worse.
I need my friend, confidant and lover back but the future looks bleak. Another friend, when i showed them pictures of where my wife sleeps, and a pic of the dog kennel compared the three (ME, kennel and her sofa in the basement; because we havent slept in the same bed in about 3 years) said that I was caged.
I don't know what to do. I'm not getting depressed anymore and im seriously considering divorce. My needs are no longer met on any level.
Someone please help...... Im at the end of my rope!
After we were married, we got pregnant, with twins, but we lost the second daughter shortly before birth.
We ended up leaving the abusive church that same year and have attended three other churches in the remaining 10 years.
I was once a minister in two of the churches, but never completely healed from the years of abuse.
To add to this, my wife has always had a weight problem and is self conscious of this. She tries and fails with keeping off the weight, and is even on Prozac for her problems.
Her low self esteem means that she does not take care on how she dresses most of the time and she will not keep (or help much with the house) I do 95% of the laundry and cleaning, she will cook.
In short she is a hoarder, and it is a constant fight (for me) to keep the front and main house clean and presentable. I am responsible for the lawns and house and about 20% of the cooking.
What is worse is, my daughters are picking up her slovenly habits!
She wanted pets and she got dogs. they stayed in kennels to the point of abuse I would say. we have our daughters water, feed and play with them. I put them in our large back yard.
Over the years we were able to purchase two houses (one is a rental) and are sending our daughters to a small Christian school.
With the anxiety of the past, and my inability to say no we have a significant amount of debt and we have 3 judgements against us for credit card debt and soon a time-share foreclosure.
Everything looks OK on the outside, but we have several blow-up arguments about every 3 to 6 months. I am told I am thoughtless, don't meet her emotional needs and am selfish. She constantly brings up the past church we came from and when I say "You haven't forgiven me for being in that church" she states "You never changed!!"
I feel like I am doing a lot, I just miss social cues all the time. She says I don't meet her real needs, and argues about Mazlo's hierarchy of needs.
Another turn for the worst is this:
1. In 10 months all of our parents have died (They were all in or near their 80's)
2. We don't have a lot of mutual friends since we switch churches and both work nights, in fact we hardly see each other.
3. We have been fighting about sex for 3-7 years. In fact it has been 8 or so years since she has initiated it! And when we do have sex (Not since January) it's a fight to get it!
In our last argument
I was given an ultimatum:
"Get your poop together or we are pretty much finished"
I came from a family where my dad was a philanderer and my mother played the silently suffering martyr. In the end my dad was in a nursing home, and my mother was a bitter old woman. I want to stay faithful to my wife, but the constant turmoil of:
1. not knowing what I'm really doing wrong
2. her unwilling to change herself
3. the feeling that the house and home isn't getting any better
4. The offer for counseling refused several times
I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't want to be my mom or my dad.
another trouble is the fact that I was depressed to the point of seeing a psychologist. I tried two different times over the years. The last one brought out something that I readily noticed. I would complain about all these things and the burden seemed to be lifted. I felt guilty to say those things about my wife and talked more, but problems got worse.
I need my friend, confidant and lover back but the future looks bleak. Another friend, when i showed them pictures of where my wife sleeps, and a pic of the dog kennel compared the three (ME, kennel and her sofa in the basement; because we havent slept in the same bed in about 3 years) said that I was caged.
I don't know what to do. I'm not getting depressed anymore and im seriously considering divorce. My needs are no longer met on any level.
Someone please help...... Im at the end of my rope!
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