We have been together 29 years and married 27. While we were dating, H cheated on me many times. We got married when I became pregnant.
We have had our ups and down as most couples do but because of history, behaviors and patterns of lying, I cannot trust him.
We started counseling in March when our problems became severe. I looked through his personal emails and found some old ones that had been sent to a co-worker. Nothing major just a video from a vacation (Niagra Falls) and one that he had given her chocolate for helping him on a project. That bothered me because I don't get that special treatment. So I find a counselor, make appointment. That weekend we made plans to go out on a date. As I am at work and he is at home getting ready, he is messaging a female friend (friend of his female cousin that they have known) making plans to meet for lunch, giving her his number. So I act like I don't know until that evening when we are driving and I explode. He had always had all female friends and gravitates towards them. That is one of the reasons we went to counseling but it was never addressed. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior.
So fast forward to now- a few weeks ago I went into his FB account. For whatever reason, I looked at the archive messages and there was a conversation he had with his ex-girlfriend 2 years ago. This is the girlfriend he left for me. Needless to say I was devastated. The messages were nothing other than asking about his family and hers. He claims she initiates the contact and swore up and down on his life that he was telling the truth. He said she had even contacted his sister. I confirmed that this was true with his sister.
We have found a faith-based counselor, he started IC and has also returned to Church with me.
I am at a loss as to what to do. I need to know I can trust him or there is no sense in being together. One thing I will not compromise on is the female friends and he also must give access to cell phones and emails. He will let me look at personal cell phone but don't have access to work phone.
How do I address this in counseling without making him feel as if I am forcing him to give that up?
We have had our ups and down as most couples do but because of history, behaviors and patterns of lying, I cannot trust him.
We started counseling in March when our problems became severe. I looked through his personal emails and found some old ones that had been sent to a co-worker. Nothing major just a video from a vacation (Niagra Falls) and one that he had given her chocolate for helping him on a project. That bothered me because I don't get that special treatment. So I find a counselor, make appointment. That weekend we made plans to go out on a date. As I am at work and he is at home getting ready, he is messaging a female friend (friend of his female cousin that they have known) making plans to meet for lunch, giving her his number. So I act like I don't know until that evening when we are driving and I explode. He had always had all female friends and gravitates towards them. That is one of the reasons we went to counseling but it was never addressed. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior.
So fast forward to now- a few weeks ago I went into his FB account. For whatever reason, I looked at the archive messages and there was a conversation he had with his ex-girlfriend 2 years ago. This is the girlfriend he left for me. Needless to say I was devastated. The messages were nothing other than asking about his family and hers. He claims she initiates the contact and swore up and down on his life that he was telling the truth. He said she had even contacted his sister. I confirmed that this was true with his sister.
We have found a faith-based counselor, he started IC and has also returned to Church with me.
I am at a loss as to what to do. I need to know I can trust him or there is no sense in being together. One thing I will not compromise on is the female friends and he also must give access to cell phones and emails. He will let me look at personal cell phone but don't have access to work phone.
How do I address this in counseling without making him feel as if I am forcing him to give that up?
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