My wife and I have been together for 20 years and married for 14. Over time our intimacy and affection has pretty much become non-existent. It is not due to a lack of trying...at least on my part.
If it were not for me imitating sex, it would never happen and am pretty certain she would be fine with it. Same goes with affection.
I think both are important and crucial for a healthy marriage. She on the other hand does not think so and has told me so. She says..."that is the only place our marriage lacks...affection and intimacy." She could go for months upon months without either and be fine with it...I on the other hand feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow at any moment when it goes on for so long. It is important to me and makes me feel close to her on so many levels...when our marriage is without intimacy and affection...we are roommates.
Despite our challenges, I always try to put my best foot forward by telling her she looks pretty/sexy/beautiful, send her flowers for no reason now and again, send her a text telling her I am thinking about her, come home early from work to help out with the kids or make dinner, rub her feet. I feel like I am doing all of this in vain.
I will ask her for a shoulder rub after a rough day and she will say..."you know I don't give back rubs". It is like a kick in the ribs while being down. I will rub her feet, scratch her back, or play with her hair at least once or twice a week. It has been YEARS since she gave me a back scratch or shoulder rub. Like an idiot, I just let it happen not to disrupt the "serenity".
There are so many little things too...I say goodbye in the morning before work and she only says goodbye back maybe one day a week. I will send her a text telling her I am thinking about her...and no response. So many little things. I am not quite sure why I keep on doing them...but if I don't, who will?
I feel as though she is taking advantage of me and it is humiliating. We've gone to marriage counseling...and she just complains and complains...yet does nothing to mend, heal, or change. Nor will she own up to any of her faults. If she only knew how horrible and humiliating it feels to come on to her only to have her tell me no time after time. It is heavy on my heart to not feel desire or intimacy back from her.
Recently I was out with some friends and had a woman come on to me. It felt really good to be desired. I didn't go beyond friendly flirting with her....but I have to admit, I've thought about it a lot since it happened. She wasn't climbing all over me or anything and was respectful...it was just how she looked at me...how she touched my hand while we were chatting. At the end of the night she hugged me and says "your wife is lucky".
I've always put my best foot forward with my wife...but not sure how much longer I want to continue like this. I know I can't change the way she is, nor can I make her want things she does not want. However, shouldn't there be some sort of value on the things I value as being important?
It makes me sad when I look at what our marriage has become knowing it can be so much more. It takes two people to make a marriage work and feel like I am the only one participating.
Thanks,
Mre2you
If it were not for me imitating sex, it would never happen and am pretty certain she would be fine with it. Same goes with affection.
I think both are important and crucial for a healthy marriage. She on the other hand does not think so and has told me so. She says..."that is the only place our marriage lacks...affection and intimacy." She could go for months upon months without either and be fine with it...I on the other hand feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow at any moment when it goes on for so long. It is important to me and makes me feel close to her on so many levels...when our marriage is without intimacy and affection...we are roommates.
Despite our challenges, I always try to put my best foot forward by telling her she looks pretty/sexy/beautiful, send her flowers for no reason now and again, send her a text telling her I am thinking about her, come home early from work to help out with the kids or make dinner, rub her feet. I feel like I am doing all of this in vain.
I will ask her for a shoulder rub after a rough day and she will say..."you know I don't give back rubs". It is like a kick in the ribs while being down. I will rub her feet, scratch her back, or play with her hair at least once or twice a week. It has been YEARS since she gave me a back scratch or shoulder rub. Like an idiot, I just let it happen not to disrupt the "serenity".
There are so many little things too...I say goodbye in the morning before work and she only says goodbye back maybe one day a week. I will send her a text telling her I am thinking about her...and no response. So many little things. I am not quite sure why I keep on doing them...but if I don't, who will?
I feel as though she is taking advantage of me and it is humiliating. We've gone to marriage counseling...and she just complains and complains...yet does nothing to mend, heal, or change. Nor will she own up to any of her faults. If she only knew how horrible and humiliating it feels to come on to her only to have her tell me no time after time. It is heavy on my heart to not feel desire or intimacy back from her.
Recently I was out with some friends and had a woman come on to me. It felt really good to be desired. I didn't go beyond friendly flirting with her....but I have to admit, I've thought about it a lot since it happened. She wasn't climbing all over me or anything and was respectful...it was just how she looked at me...how she touched my hand while we were chatting. At the end of the night she hugged me and says "your wife is lucky".
I've always put my best foot forward with my wife...but not sure how much longer I want to continue like this. I know I can't change the way she is, nor can I make her want things she does not want. However, shouldn't there be some sort of value on the things I value as being important?
It makes me sad when I look at what our marriage has become knowing it can be so much more. It takes two people to make a marriage work and feel like I am the only one participating.
Thanks,
Mre2you
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