Not sure what's wrong with me?

Ok, I'm gonna share some symptoms I've been feeling. Please tell me if I should add anything or change anything. I'm gonna try and be as honest as possible. I'm a man in my 20s now but things were worst when I was in my young adulthood, like 18/19. mood swings My mood changes a lot in a day. One minute, I feel normal, then in a few hours I feel depressed, then I may feel hyperactive (rare), happy or whatnot. I may feel a mood for a day or two. My mood changes MORE when I'm with other people. I.e. people I work with. When I'm at home by myself, I tend to not change as much, unless something happens by phone, text, computer etc. When I'm happy, I start to wonder... Am I really that bad? (it's hard to write this when I'm in this mood, currently) rage This was a bigger problem when I was younger. I used to shout back at people and on rare occasion, hit back. This was because I took things the wrong way with what they said. Sometimes my rage is justified, but a lot of the time it's due to my hypersensitivity. Nowadays, if I'm angry or irritated, I keep it bottled in my head. On the occasion, I have shouted at people. I can't take criticism. If someone criticises me or insults me, especially if I'm in a bad mood, I will snap. depression I often get depressed. Usually when I feel people don't like me, said something to me or if I feel inadequate, weird etc. To counter my depression, I like to get drunk at home. I also go out in town spend a lot of money on beers etc. paranoia I get extremely paranoid. Usually when people say things, I may take it wrong way. (for example a woman at work, asked if I could go upstairs and I said "what, do you want me to leave or something?" I tried to sound joking but I was being serious). I also get paranoid if people are talking about me, what people think of me, plotting against me etc. Usually my paranoia is NOT justified but I can't stop this thought process, it usually leads to depression and rage and confrontation. I give people the silent treatment if I feel they are against me. anxiety I sometimes get randomly anxious, like nervous. More often it's if I walk in a room full of people. I suspect they are looking at me, about to insult me. I get nervous. This isn't that common but it happens a lot... obsession Everytime I go to a new place, I find myself obsessed with a new girl. I don't know why this is. I try to stop thinking but I can't. She just seems perfect for me, even if she is fat, horrible personality. I try to counter this by ignoring her, giving her silent treatment, being a dick etc. Then when she ignores me, I kinda... get jealous and want to talk to her again. Despite this, I've never asked one of these women out, always fear of rejection. I've had one g/f but I come across as "I don't give a ****" and they left me. I was very selfish in relationships and admittedly a bit manipulative. Every other girl I like, I fear rejection. I've had suicidal thoughts often when depressed. But I've never acted on it. My friends also told me I do things that they think is weird. I'm not sure what it is I do... Talking about friends, I've kinda got rid of most of my friends and I have 3 close friends I feel comfortable with. I tell them everything and trust them 100%. I think it might be because despite my flaws, they've never left me. But they sometimes take advantage of me, making me do drugs.. A lot of the times I ignore people if I feel they are "against me". I can see the confusion in their eyes but I ignore them. I will often want their approval or friendship and try to talk to them again. I'm trying hard not to do this. But if people make me angry, I hate them quickly. If people are nice to me, I like them too quickly. I haven't spoken to my family for 3 months. I got very jealous of my sister, she was everything I wanted (I'm a guy but I wanted her popularity, confidence and attention). I feel a failure and useless. My mum and dad were always nasty to me as a kid. I keep thinking about this. My other sister has done well but she never wants to talk to me. Despite this, I do wanna talk to them but I don't... Because I'm ashamed I walked away? I don't know. They only talk to me when they want something. They didn't even invite me to my sisters graduation. Feels like my close friends are my true family. Delusions and voices It's very rare... But I sometimes see things at night. It wasn't only when I woke up but before as well. Objects, animals, people... I remember pulling my middle finger and it looked at me shocked and vanished. I heard voices in my head too... "SSH!" and something inaudible. It scared me a bit but I slept through it. This has only happened twice. Sometimes I randomly space out, sometimes randomly and when speaking to people.

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