| I was married for just over 7 years and together for 14 years. It was a good relationship with a solid friendship too. No children, we had fur kids. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and panic attacks at various times in my life and the last bought of this started back in 2001. I didn't know it at the time, but I was starting early onset of menopause. I was already in therapy to help with the anxiety. It wasn't helping, the CBT therapy, so I was directed to go talk with the doctor about medication(I'm medication phobic big time). I tried a couple of different anti-depressants but I couldn't tolerate the side effects. I was then prescribed anti-anxiety medication. Here is where the problem starts, I didn't know they caused dependency issues and I took them daily for years. I'm still on a low dose daily. These medications will mess you up. They dull your emotions, cause apathy, depression, anger(the list goes on) and also, keep the cycle going for which you started taking them! I lowered my dose over a 4 month period back in late '09-early '10. It was very hard and my H was as supportive as he could be. Then one day, I couldn't keep cutting down and stopped and I lost my senses. I stopped lowering the dose in March on '10 and by late April '10, I asked my H for a divorce. I wasn't blaming him for anything, I just was not happy. He didn't fight to keep the marriage going, he was devastated and blindsided. We were divorced by the end of October '10. We lived in the same house throughout the divorce and for a 1 1/2 months after until I found an apartment. He kept both houses and I walked away with a little money. I didn't ask nor want any part of his pension or spousal support. We even drove to court together for the divorce and went back home together after it was done...both regretting how things turned out. The day I moved out was brutal. I didn't even stay in the apartment that night, I went back to my now former house and stayed with my now XH. We kept this routine of hanging out for about 8 months post divorce. It was awkward and painful. I helped him organize his bills and showed him how to balance the checkbook. We ate dinners together and acted like we were still married, but we weren't. Some of his family were not happy with this at all and that didn't help matters. They would avoid me at all costs. The final painful episode was putting our two old dogs down in late July of 2011. It was horrible. I stayed with him over that weekend and spoke with my former MIL who thanked me for being there...of course I would be there. They were my dogs too. After that, I needed a break. I gave him back the garage door opener and keys to the house. Yes, he wanted me to have them even though were were no ex-spouses. I had them for almost a year post divorce. I thought the break would bring clarity, it didn't at first. I thought it would lessen the pain, it didn't. We have kept in contact since then, that is lessening now. I am dating someone, he is dating someone. I miss him terribly. It's an awful feeling. Instead of celebrating 10 years of marriage in a few weeks, we'll be going on 3 years divorced in late fall of this year. I know I have written a lot of stuff and it may not all make sense. To be to the point, I miss him terribly now. I have so many regrets. I really lost my sense of self and I am not sure I have been able to get it back. I would love to try and reconcile. Is that even possible at anymore? Has too much time past? Full of regrets :( | |||
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