Fighting all the time

And it's all my fault really. I can't let go of some of the things he said/did: - He kept talking about his ex throughout the first year of our relationship - He kept flirting with his colleagues and friends, although he said it was a joke, for 1.5 years - One of these friends he had a fling with in the past, and they were jokingly talking about having sex with each other via email - He never complimented me - He talked about his ex and him having sex straight after I lost my virginity to him - He never really asks about me, or my interests or anything like that - When I need him, he either is not there or says the most inappropriate things. Example, 2 weeks ago I found out my little sister of 12 was self harming, I immediately called him out of shock and he told me not to tell anyone, and then for the next few days didn't contact me at all I'm still hurt and upset by a lot of it. I keep getting upset to the point where I bring it up every week or two and then we fight. I just don't understand what I ever did. He says he's sorry and didn't mean anything by what he did, and he says I can't let this all affect our relationship and he's trying really hard. I am just so down about it though, I need to get over it but I don't know how. I don't feel loved or made feel to be attractive. We were LDR for the last year and he came to see me 1/2 of the times I went to see him, although it was my first year of university and I had no money as a student. I feel so unwanted. I compliment him all the time, plan days out, pay for dinners, buy gifts. I get nothing back, not even a single compliment. He tells me it's my fault because I don't love myself, but how can I love myself when I keep thinking of the above? When I know day to day he's thinking other women are more desirable, that he doesn't want to show me he loves me or thinks anything about my life. I don't know. I feel like he barely knows me sometimes. I've lost all confidence in myself. I look at myself and I hate every part of me, I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, I hate everything I am because I know nothing I do will make him love me. I'm trying to lose a stone of weight in the hopes that he will love me again. He does say it but he doesn't act like it. We've been together for 3 years. I love him. I don't know what to do. If I leave him, I know no one will ever want me again. So how do I stop getting upset and fighting? I cry nearly every day. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel like me again. :cry:

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